[franki_j]

Hi everyone, haven't posted on here in a while. i have been feeling down lately, due to my current job coming to an end and not knowing what to do next. last night i went out for drinks with co-workers and one of them mentioned something about my co-worker (who is in the same boat as me job-wise, ie not being a permanent employee, only there for a ten month stint) and being hired full time. this may or may not be true, and i have heard the same things said about myself, in term of being hired permanently. but it really got to me, bc i HATE this guy and always feel i am in competition with him. i got home and drank some more with my roomate. afterwards i took 20 sleeping pills and went to bed. the sleeping pills i have prescribed are incredibly incredibly weak, so I honestly did not expect anything to happen. i don't know what i expected to happen, honestly, but i didn't expect to die, so it wasn't like i was trying to kill myself. this morning i woke up all groggy, etc. and told my boss i would be working from home b/c i couldn't make it to work, i was groggy and uncoordinated. i also emailed my t and told her what happened.

she called me in less than 5 minutes (and forgot to block her number, usually when she calls her number is blocked.) i feel bad for scaring her, i feel so melodramatic and silly. it wasn't like what happened warranted me taking a bunch of pills. i feel like a drama queen and attention ***** trying to get her attention. she made me promise to go to to the ER if i feel sui, i told her what i didn't wasn't a big deal and i felt stupid, she said it was a suicide attempt. she told me to email her at the end of each day and we are going to find a p-doc. part of me wants her so bad, i didn't want to do hang up the phone with her. i wanted to keep talking to her and hearing her voice. the other part of me feels so melodramatic and silly for doing this. (but i still feel depressed i am not making that up, but i don't know how bad is bad enough.) idk what i'm asking just need to get it out.

for me sometimes .... its not about wanting to die its about not wanting to live... and somehow that feels different..

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I hope you have a session soon so you can talk all of this through....

[Perna]

I'm glad it sounds like you have a good T. It was a something attempt; one might take 2 pills if one feels they're weak but not 20, and not when one has been drinking heavily.

I would give up on the feeling "silly" and like you didn't mean anything and it wasn't a big deal. You are obviously having difficulties you would like help with and now that your T knows the extent of them you can work together with her on them.

[Moodswing]

I understand what you were trying to do. You just wanted not to feel anymore....not to die. To release some pressure. I know I would feel like a attention ***** also. I daydream about doing things like that. Just to go unconscious for a day and not feel. I would then hate all the commotion it caused but at the same time perhaps find a way so I am not on a emotional rollercoaster all the time.

[Syra]

I'm with you and Moodswing. I understand just not wantng to hurt anymore. AT least for an hour. I'm afraid of being seen has a drama queen too, even as I am expressing some very painful stuff in somewhat dramatic ways. And I would hate the attention and LOVE the connection.

It sounds like your T is still listening to you, not forcing you to go somewhere, or reporting you. She still has trust in you to work with her. is it like that?

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by Syra

I'm with you and Moodswing. I understand just not wantng to hurt anymore. AT least for an hour. I'm afraid of being seen has a drama queen too, even as I am expressing some very painful stuff in somewhat dramatic ways. And I would hate the attention and LOVE the connection.

It sounds like your T is still listening to you, not forcing you to go somewhere, or reporting you. She still has trust in you to work with her. is it like that?

Hi Syra, now that you say it, then yes, I guess it is like that. You also just made me realize that my T is putting her trust in me. She made me promise to not do anything, and if I thought of it, to call her or go to the ER. I hadn't thought of it like that, but I guess she is putting her trust in me.

[sugahorse1]

I can really relate to you. I'm glad you have a great T you can trust and she really cares for you

[struggling2]

so sorry you're feeling this way franki......but i agree with everyone else it sounds like you have a great T who really does care about you.