needing constant validation

I guess it's true that I was always really uncomfortable with how my mother touched me -- even when I could not really process why. I knew, sort of, that there was something really wrong there and that "normal" mothers did not do the things she did. I also believe that it's true that some memories can be repressed. Chunks of what happened were just locked away until fairly recently, both regarding the sexual abuse and the physical abuse.

Its crazy because initially when I started talking to my T about my CSA I could close my eyes and be terrified by some of the things I could remember and really upset with myself that I couldn't remember other things. When I left her office that first day after we started,I tried convincing myself that what happened and what I told her was a complete lie. That I made it up that I must just be this lying drama queen.

A few weeks earlier my sister came in for a session with me and she finally realized why we were the way we were towards our father. She said she could read signs from both of us,because we would feed off each other.

For a long time I tried forgetting. Trying to figure out if the things I remember were real or imagined. I thought why would I make up such horrible things.

My T says I try to downplay everything,that this is serious. I've completely dissociated myself from the 5 year old little girl inside. I told my T I don't know her and don't know why I have her memories.

I don't ask for validation probably because its still hard for me to completely accept it.
One day at a time I guess

I was going to say I totally forgot my CSA for years. I used to believe I was lucky never to have been abused in that way. I've remembered CSA by two people outside the home, some of which I've blanked out. Some I didn't, but I didn't think about it or call it abuse for years. It's like I left it in a drawer and didn't get it out and look at it.

However, I suspect CSA from my father and that is a complete blank. I have reasons to believe this, and have written down a few tiny bits for my T. I have loads of memories missing from childhood and I think I've dissociated from them. There have always been clues, but I haven't believed them and I just don't remember what happened.

I also lack memories of a relationship where things were abusive in that way. I realised what had happened when I got triggered one day and was appalled as I had blocked it all out.

Accepting it isn't your fault means having to accept that someone else hurt you when they shouldn't have.

So, that APA information didn't sit well with me. For years and years, I ignored my suspicions that maybe I was abused by my father as I thought I would/should remember it. They say it's rare for forgotten memories to be recovered, but it seems pretty common if you read any forum about CSA or similar.

All I can say is that dissociating from, blocking out or forgetting memories of abuse is a totally logical way of surviving in an intolerable situation. It's a very effective way to protect yourself but later it becomes maladaptive.

I struggle daily with wondering if it's real or if I'm a pathetic ***** who made it all up. T tells me almost every session it's not my fault. Sometimes when she says that I disappear inside. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to rage at her. I'm sorry for everyone here that struggles with this issue. Today the pain is so bad it physically hurts.

I feel strongly about this because a) I had a therapist once claim (impose on me, is more how it felt) that I had suffered abuse I didn't remember. I felt it was irresponsible and lost trust in her. And 2) Some things I've read in popular literature really concern me.

I do remember some abuse, which I've always remembered, though have certainly gone through periods of not thinking about it.

But I also have large gaps in memories of childhood. I am adamant, though, in not assuming that bad things happened/I repressed things, just because I don't remember periods of time -there can be any number of reasons for this. I think the assumption is unrealistic and has the potential of being very damaging. I would think that once you become convinced that you were abused, in the absence of memory, it would be very hard to un-ring that bell.

I also have memories of some odd boundaries with friends of family. But I don't remember being abused by these people. In any case, odd/poor boundaries can itself cause problems later in life, I would think, but they certainly don't mean I was abused.

I do largely agree with the APA -it is based on research, though this doesn't mean exceptions do not happen. I think in part it was written to counteract a period of time when some therapists were telling their patients that due to some 'indicators' of abuse (behaviors, etc.), they were definitely abused, which led to all kinds of problems at that time. The APA felt the need to step in. They have also officially come out against hypnosis as a way to recover memories.

I think (the APA) helps to counteract some things out there in public literature. I read a book on trauma once, a very popular one (can't remember the title right now). Parts of it were insightful, validating and helpful to me. But there was one phrase that horrified me, horrified because of it's potential implications for people, something to the effect of: "If you think you have been abused, then you probably have been." To me this is irresponsible and potentially damaging, and I seriously doubt the APA would agree. Nor that 'red flags' (such as current and past problems with mood regulation, relationship issues, etc.) mean that you were definitely abused (absent memories).

There are lists of 'criteria' out there that are meant to help you decide if you were abused (also popular literature). Many of those are the same as those for BPD, and contrary to popular belief, there are a great many people with BPD who have not suffered abuse (according to what I have read). How do you explain those who fulfill that criteria who haven't been abused? And how can a list of criteria definitely determine if you were abused?

There are all kinds of reasons why someone can have these 'symptoms.' I read a scholarly article (researched, mental health publication) that stated that 'misattunement' by a caregiver as a child can lead to the same symptoms, as well as persistent invalidation and others.

I'm not surprised if some of these assumptions find their way onto blogs, forums, etc. But it doesn't mean they are true.

I'm referring, throughout, to lack of memories. I think if you have memories and share them with your therapist and they are not supportive or don't believe you, then you should run for the hills. On the other hand, if you do not have memories and your therapist is insisting that you must have been abused anyway, this is also a good reason to run for the hills.

My 2 cents on the matter: symptoms do not equate to abuse, red flags to not equate to abuse, and thinking you were abused does not equate to abuse (in the absence of memory). Of course it's possible, but it's just not definite.

And then we come again to the issue of what is 'enough' and asking the question: why is what one does in fact remember, not 'enough?' What's going on? I think this is definitely something that can be explored in therapy.

I've never had a T mention CSA or memories until I brought it up. Both of mine have been very very careful when it comes to this topic.

My not remembering "enough" is a problem because things break through at really inopportune times... in the car, at work, at times of other stressful events, or in my nightmares.

For me, it's similar. My T is super cautious about not suggesting anything.

And for me, not remembering is a problem when I unexpectedly get really reactive to something. I once punched my husband really hard during sex when he did something he had never done before and I did not realize that it is apparently really, REALLY a problem for me.