How to terminate?

I think it might be time to terminate with T#1(he is my first T I started with 9 months ago). Of course I became attached to him and even had erotic transference for him but I never got better. He did pull me out of the depression part of my illness but everything else got worse. For this reason I sought out another therapist for one: to help split the transference and two: to actually have some relief and help. I found that T and he has been amazing. Every session is productive bring me closer to easing my bulimia, self- harm, suicidal thoughts,flashbacks, inner critic and I am hoping for the Grand Prize of learning my actual self and making something with my life.

My session with T#1 was laborious and I realizes he still does not know what to do with me. He tries to help me with my faulty thinking but that all stems from my childhood trauma and abusive past marriage. I love T#2 and want to only work with him but I do not know how to go about terminating with T#1 without hurting his feelings and causing the feeling of great loss for me. I also do not know if I am making the right decision. What if I lose a valuable resource and he says I can never come back to him? I did titrate the sessions to every other week in April and that caused some abandonment issues that took several weeks to subside.

I am so torn.

That sounds so hard! wanting to terminate because it isn't helping, and not wanting to hurt his feelings, and not wanting to burn a bridge you might need someday even if you don't see it now?

I'm hearing a lot of fear about terminating even while you don't want to continue.

What kinds of ideas have you thought of that might work? or definitely wouldn't work?

I don't think a client needs to worry about hurting the feelings of a therapist. If you have found someone who is better for you, the therapist should not care. If, on the other hand, you think you are uncertain, then talk to them about it. I have never had a therapist who held a grudge about me leaving them. I think it is part of their business.

Do I walk into my next session in 2 weeks and just tell him or do I send an e-mail to give him a heads up that my next session will be an exit session? Therapists are human and can have their feelings hurt especially when it comes to their abilities as a therapist. I want to be able to see him on a as needed basis. Perhaps if I feel I need someone to talk to about a current situation; to be able to call him up and see if he has an opening that week.

Do you really want to terminate with him? You don't sound so sure about it. Maybe you should discuss it with him.

If you decide to terminate, then I think the feelings of loss on your part will likely be inevitable - because it will be a loss.

I'm not sure you can get around that. However, in my opinion, that shouldn't be a reason to stay either.

Loss is a part of life. If it's just not working well with your therapist, then it IS time to go on. As far as hurting his feelings, you won't. While I wouldn't say "hey this other therapist is sooooo much better than you!" I would be honest though, and indicate that his methods just don't appear to be bringing much relief.

In reality, he shouldn't try to talk you out of terminating. It's your decision. He may suggest a couple of sessions to sort of tie things up. It's up to you whether or not you go.

Good luck!

Well T1 has always tried to teach me to step back from my immediate feelings and ask some questions:

1. What is the worst thing that can happen?
2. What is the best thing that can happen?
3. What is the neutral thing that can happen?

Worst thing for me would him showing he is hurt and saying that I would not be accepted back if I felt I needed him.

The best thing would be for him to say how much he enjoyed watching me progress, he understands he could only get me so far and I needed someone else who had a technique that is helping me and anytime I feel I need him I can call up and he would fit me in.

Neutral would be him just saying "I respect your decision. Good luck and be well. bye."

I hope it goes well for you

T2 could not handle that for you?

Having two Ts is difficult. I did that once when my T went on an extended, couple month vacation; found an online T to work with for only a tiny piece of the puzzle that T and I weren't working on anyway (writing about my recurring dream theme) but I told T about the online T immediately when she returned and T asked me to end with online one.

I guess if I were you I would bite the bullet and tell T1 about T2 (not the details or specifically why you got T2) and I think I'd be a bit of a coward and imply that I had been seeing T2 most of the same time and seeing two was now difficult instead of helpful and you think you are going to go with T2 because of cost, insurance, location, throw in all the business reasons you can think of? Then, hopefully, he'll have something to say in terms of how many times he thinks you should see each other again or ask questions, etc. and you can go from there.

Yeah he can but my reasoning is I feel I might bug T2 to much and he wants to "talk" to that part that is causing me to feel the way I do in that moment. T1 helps me see the situation in a different light using CBT techniques.

T1 knows about T2. He helped me with the fear of going to my first appointment with him. T1 had suggested I find an EMDR therpist which I had originally protested because I thought he was trying to get rid of me(triggered my abaondoment issues). Then I realized it was a good way to help me get over my transference with T1 by splitting the transference with another T and it turned out that T2 was just awesome . He just seemed to know what I needed and what I was feeling. I felt unreal.

I think if T1 knows about T2 he is aware this situation could come up that you would want to see just him or just T2. I don't think he will be that hurt/take it personally. You prefer T2, that's not about him, that's about you and your preferences. He'll probably be happy/proud about his role in helping you find T2 and that T2 is able to help you so well.