So I have been debating in my head and on this forum some about whether it's helpful at all to tell someone else my experiences in the hopes of helping them make changes. I have tried to do that, particularly in cases where a poster states they WANT to change, and have been told it isn't helpful. I read this quote on a Psychology Today blog today:

"Another surprise is that so often change occurs from stories that we read, hear, or see, whether they include family legends, myths, fairy tales, novels, films, television shows, plays, song lyrics, or even blogs such as this. It turns out that because of mirror neurons we can experience vicarious life events as if they really happened to us. As far as your brain is concerned, the people you “meet” in stories really are your friends and loved ones. And the adventures you enjoy through fiction and stories really do teach you important lessons as if you were the one who defeated the zombies, aliens, or serial killer. The strong emotions you feel during a well-told story further cement memories and help you to retrieve information in the future, all without leaving the safety and comfort of a chair."

This blogger is of the opinion that a person CAN change just from hearing another person's story. I am interested in the opinions of others on here. Do you think a person can change from hearing another person's story or experience?

[Leah123]

Yes, I believe that a story paired with an emotional reaction can trigger change. I won't go so far as to say I feel I'm the one who "defeated the zombies, aliens, or serial killer" at all, but moreso, I felt an emotional resonance with the plight of a character or felt some sort of kinship or connection, and that it sparked a powerful realization for me. I really see it as a fundamental everyday process though. Human beings are storytellers. As we exchange our stories, to varying degrees, we influence others in sooooo many small and large ways. Therapists, teachers and yes, forum posters have done this for me.

[stopdog]

I think it can be possible for a story to resonate. Perhaps not always in the way the teller intends and not to everyone.

Interesting thread... I would have to say from experience that it depends...

For instance when someone in a similar situation shares an experience such as a marital situation that was helped by therapy or by approaching something this way... it might inspire a person to have hope where they might not have or to have a different perspective ... but that is lifting a person up to say "Here is a positive thing that happened to me...here is the dragon that was defeated...

but lets say you read something that a person is doing that you perceive as a very negative aspect of a person's personality such as a coping mechanism that a person uses for example... I don't think telling them how you experience that coping mechanism is going to help the person change because they are not behaving a certain way out of lack of ignorance of how it affects other people but because its the way they cope with something going on in their own lives so in that circumstance I don't think change will come from hearing from others experiences.... that is something where a T may be needed to help them figure out what is causing them to use that coping mechanism.... Its like nail biting... I use it as a coping mechanism for anxiety... if you tell me what product you used to make it taste bad or how getting your nails painted weekly helped or how sitting on your hand helped you or how nasty it looks or how many germs you put in your mouth etc etc etc... and how you were able to stop biting your nails. I would be like that's great but as long as my anxiety is high I will bite my nails.

of course above only represents my opinion ....

[WikidPissah]

yep. I firmly believe that telling people your experience may help them in future experiences that are similar. I think it is also helpful to here how things you do can be perceived by others.

I think it stops when you tell your children how far you walked to school in the snow though.

[pbutton]

Sure. I think that I have learned quite a bit from people here, particularly those who are quite different than me. If everyone here just agreed with me and had the same type of stories, this board would be super boring. (But oh so perfectly and totally smart and correct. )

Even if I'm not ready to hear it, it is good for me to be exposed to new ideas. Especially somewhere like this board, where I can come back and re-read once I am in a different place.

It can be helpful and inspiring to hear other people's experiences, and we can certainly learn from others - this forum is a great example of that. However... going through the same or similar chain of events to someone else doesn't mean the experience is going to be the same. You can't necessarily change because someone else has been in the 'same' position and tells you what to do to get through it or fix it - maybe they went through the same thing, maybe they only think they did... In some cases you can be told the same thing over and over, you can see the logic in it, you can understand it, but it doesn't mean you 'get' it or experience it, or that it clicks into place for you right then or maybe at all... Sometimes it is not intellectual information we need, but for something inside to somehow shift, to make change possible. Knowing something isn't the same as feeling something.

[Moodswing]

Hearing others stories make me feel pathetic about myself because I wasn't a Romanian orphan, or beaten, or eating out of garbage can, or even remember sexual abuse. It makes me feel like I have no right being this way and I should some how be normal.

And do not tell me this is not a competition on who had it worse. I get that.

[feralkittymom]

Absolutely I think others' stories in whatever form can change us--but not always in the same ways nor for the same reasons nor to the same ends.

I "learned" how to identify emotions from literature. Seriously, my family was so contradictory and duplicitous about feelings (they don't exist, "don't be stupid, you're not angry," "I'm not hurting you, I love you," "everything's fine," "I'm not angry," etc) that I learned to connect the look on peoples' faces and their words to the names of feelings from literature and TV.

Empathy is a direct response to allowing ourselves to be changed--even if only temporarily--by another's experience. T's self-care is all about discharging the effects of vicarious pain.

But I don't think the effect is in the hands of the storyteller. We all have our own timetables for the potential for change, and vulnerabilities and moments of openness to change that can be influenced by others, but not controlled by them. Sometimes we say we want to change, but also have substantial resistance to change, and our reactions to that ambivalance take many forms, including responding in anger or defensiveness. But that doesn't mean the seeds of change haven't been planted.

[SkinnySoul]

Judging from myself, no. Hearing another person's story --however powerful it may be-- will probably change my attitude for like 1-2 days max.
Then I'm back to square one. Again.

Not saying that other people wont be affected though. It really depends.

[pbutton]

I think we can because every once in a while T will use an example from his own life. I am sure that type of sharing is done for a reason.

[Perna]

I think if we have trouble working with just our own material, having another's story has to help or we're in double trouble :-) I was most helped in my 30 years of therapy from reading fiction. The veracity of the characters and their struggles were inspiration and support for me.

That's not to say everyone's story will be helpful to me or that how the story is told may or may not influence whether I find it helpful or not, etc. I don't think someone can say, "here's my story, be helped" and someone telling me their story, I believe that should be because they see a connection in their lives between their story and what I have described; that does not mean the obverse will be true.

It must be possible, yes, because people say that they have experience of this. And I think I probably changed a lot based on the things I read when I was growing up.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I think it stops when you tell your children how far you walked to school in the snow though.

Looking back, oh it must have been at least 40 miles, each way, every day, with snow snakes, and wolves howling around the whole time. LOL

[wotchermuggle]

I think it's possible to spur people to change by sharing your own experiences, but I wouldn't say it's a given. Often, no matter what other people tell us, we need to go through it for ourselves to understand and change.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

y
I think it stops when you tell your children how far you walked to school in the snow though.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Looking back, oh it must have been at least 40 miles, each way, every day, with snow snakes, and wolves howling around the whole time. LOL

Uphill both ways with cardboard shoes.

[Freewilled]

I think a person CAN change using a variety of resources, one of which could be something someone says on a message board. But I don't think that the way they might end up changing is so obvious right away - it takes a lot of time and the change is for the other person, not us, so it might look different in the end from what we imagine it should be.

I don't think this means its meaningless to provide excerpts from our own lives and experience to try and help - only that saying it in love with the best of intentions and then letting it go into the other person's life to do with it what they may is probably the best course of action. It's kind of like giving a gift - we give out of care with no strings attached and the person can do with it whatever they want because now its all theirs, you know?

[content30]

I think it can help someone change. I think it is more likely to affect someone that you have a close relationship with rather than an individual on an anonymous board, but that does not mean it cannot help change someone on here. I enjoy reading others' posts and find it very helpful. I think it's helped me understand others who are different than I am even more and have more empathy.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Uphill both ways with cardboard shoes.

You got shoes?? lol