Relationships Outside of the Therapeutic Relationship

How do you guys stretch yourself to make new and positive relationships outside of the therapeutic relationship?

My friends are severely limited and even then, I don't go out much. One friend is trying to help me get back out on the social scene, but I'm scared. I don't know anyone like me. I don't even know who "me" is and it always seems like I'm just pretending to be someone who fits in with the current group of people I'm with.

I know I need to work on this area because my T isn't going to be my T forever. I need to get on with life.

I don't know how to overcome this.

I don't have any advice. My T and I literally just started talking about this and I completely zoned out during the entire session. I have "friends" that I hang out with/talk to like once a year--so we (me and you) are sort of in the same boat. I imagine it's as easy as hanging out with people and going from there, but that approach doesn't work for me. Again, I have no constructive advice--sorry!Best wishes on figuring this out!

watcher
I am sorry you are struggling with this now, it's hard to accept that t won't always be there for us and to realise that we have to go into the big bad world and try to develop new relationships. its hard to unattach to t too.
After being in therapy for three years now I find that I push people away more and value my alone time( which is not healthy either) I find myself being suspicious of new people and expecting the worst but it sounds to me like you want to embrace new people, this is always a good sign that you are feeling better.
Do you have any hobbies or are a member of some social group? I find that sports are a great way of meeting like minded people or similarly anything you are interested in will attract like minded people such as art or book clubs.
Do you have a significant other to come with you at first so you won't feel shy?

I feel like I am constantly dealing with stuff from my past, because I don't know how else anything else would FEEL so ****ing overwhelming. I would be happy to live from day to day without being afraid. I did go out with my family today, and while I was out, I was afraid. I am done asking for help, I no longer care. Why the **** bother when all I'm going to be told is to find friends to help? I am not a me. I plan on fully discussing this with my T this week, something is going to change, I need either knowledge or something to keep me going because right now I don't want to because no one seems to get it. I look fine, I can look great while the same time wanting to off myself. I'm not at that point, but I will be damned if I am going down hearing Find friends as the answer. It may be a part of the solution later, but right now trust and whatever else is in my way. My anger isn't directed toward you, I am just really frustrated, so this is how I am expressing it. Thanks for your post!

I've finally started reconnecting a bit more with the world. For me, a huge part was getting back to my church, rejoining the choir, and having a willingness to ask for help/support from these fine people when I need it. I am a very private person, but private had turned into isolation and withdrawal which just exasperbated my depression and sucked my self-confidence.

I'm still not a party animal, but I never have been. But I do get to church and choir practice and other church functions now where I am reconnecting with a small network of people who care. The other huge step I took was audtioning for and joining the chorus which will start up in late August. I still can't believe I had the guts to even try, but now that it is real, I'm looking forward to meeting others who share my passion for classical choral music. I'm taking it on as an adventure.

It took being in the right place to take these risks and insert myself back into life again. I knew what I missed about the old life I had. I just had to get to the place where I made the decision to take that chance.

No, I live with one of my parents and do not have a significant other. I've become a recluse in the last years because of mental health struggles. It doesn't help that I live in a smaller community. I'll keep looking on the Meet-Ups website to see if I can find something I'm interested in and maybe I can meet some new people like that.

I hope you can find your way through this too.

I think the point of therapy is sort of a go between the life we have and the life we want. Ultimately, it is only meant to be temporary. I think finding friends and finding other people to include in our lives is an important part of that....don't you? If not, then what other way is there?

I used to be a part of my church's worship team. I thought about going back, but they have lots of people now. I feel weird because I haven't been to church in probably 2 years (except for Christmas). I don't know what I believe anymore.

I hear you. I was away for about 5 years and had all sorts of anxieties about not going back, but I am so glad I did. Besides the people and activities I had missed, my spiritual life had wained and I could feel that hole I had allowed to develop. It is filling up again. Kind of like riding a bicycle.

I think the point of therapy is sort of a go between the life we have and the life we want. Ultimately, it is only meant to be temporary. I think finding friends and finding other people to include in our lives is an important part of that....don't you? If not, then what other way is there?

I am having a bad day and right now I can't imagine leaning on a friend irl. Yes, it is meant to be temporary, tis' true. I was leaning on friends last week, I chose to do so (it wasn't really a conscious choice, but a choice nonetheless , which was a good thing). Right now, I am in a place where I need my T to help me work through a lot of things, something a friend cannot do. I agree with you and others, I just think that, for me, right now as in today, I need to learn to trust and rely on my T and work through whatever all of this terrifying stuff is. I have up and down days, friend days and no friend days, and I suspect that may continue. This whole thing is terrifying to me.

Is it because you have mental health issues? I know before i was diagnosed 3 years ago I used to blunder on in social situations and think I was being normal but matbe part of this was fueled by the bipolar "I'm invincible" bit. But I really didn't care because I thought I was NORMAL! Now I'm acutely aware I'm not normal because MH nurses and docs tell me thats not.
Anyway I seem to have lost thethread of this post. OH What I'm personally working on independent of my T is trying to convince myself that I am still the person I used to be and people seemed to be tolerant of me before, why should a label suddnely make me different. I hope this makes sense I'm not feeling very well at the moment.

I, personally, find that building friendships, takes time. Most of my good, close, personal friends live far away from me. Which makes it difficult to forge ahead with being able to just pick up the phone and say, hey, let's meet for coffee or dinner or the movies, etc.

There were times, in my life, before I settled down with kids, where it seemed a little easier, but looking back, they were just bar/club buddies, people to go out and drink with. Coincidentally, when that no longer becomes a priority[the bar scene] those friendships were oh so quick to drift away.

I did go back to Church, which resulted in depth to my spiritual life, but didn't result in any friendships forged.

I've had considered the meet up site, myself, but trying to coordinate their meet up times, with the visitation that is in place with the kids' dad, doesn't seem conducive to something viable, at this point.

Where I did, create new friendships, ones that I can coordinate schedules with to go and do things with, are some of the women that I work with.

I've noticed, around me, most of the people that seem to have a bigger social circle, are a result of they are truly hanging out with their relatives, sisters, brothers, cousins. I am an only child, these observations stand out to me.

I hope you are able to develop some new friendships, as you work on discovering who you are, what you like, what you want out of life.

I have friends (a few) but they don't really know me. They haven't seemed to want to get to know the *real* me with all my problems and seem happier when I put my fake mask on. So I don't know that I consider them true friends. I just sacrifice of myself for them because it makes me feel like a good person. I know that sounds bad...I really DO care about them but its pretty one-sided most of the time IMO.

I do need more friends but not sure where I can find some and be safe at the same time. I tend to get involved with people who are very needy and all I do is give till I'm dry. I've yet to meet people IRL who want to help or be there for me in kind

Are there ideas you have considered? If so, what did you think about them? How did they work? not work?

I think that is part of it. The other part is that when I was growing up, my close friends happened to be social butterflies so I met people through them and because of them. When those friendships faded, so did my social life. Then I started having problems with anxiety and here I am now, with one "close" friend who has very different values from me. I struggle with the relationship but don't want to lose the only one I have.

You're right. It does take time. I also agree with your observation about families being a big part of that social circle. I get some exposure via one sibling, but not much. I wish I could meet more people work wise, but I have a call-in worker who travels to many different workplaces and often, not the same one twice in the same year.

Thank you for your post!

I used to fall into that trap as well, and then I just closed up and pushed everyone out Not sure which is better.

I've considered using my one "close" friend as a gateway person to others. I've considered Meet-Up groups but I don't know if I could do that alone. I've considered online dating but I feel too ugly to pursue that. I've considered going back to church but it's hard to see how other people are progressing in life when I'm not. I used to volunteer, but I have a hard time hiding my MH issues these days and it's too difficult to put up that front anymore. I don't want to be a burden.

I'm not sure what else to do.

Those are all great ideas for brainstorming. I can tell you really are working at this.

If I understand, you thought about places where there are likely to be other people, BUT
you aren't comfortable either cuz looks seems too important and you don't want rejection, or you don't like how you will compare with others and that will be depressing, and you wnat to be able to hide your MH issues. You don't want to be a burden. Is that it? Those all make sense to me as reasons to be uncomfortable with something that is already hard.

If the above is right? is there a place where your interests and talents might be helpful and MH issues more accepted/hidden? What are your interests and talents?

or is there something else that makes it hard?

watchermuggle, at my last session, my T and I talked about how I want to work on having friends as an important goal. I am really solitary and it is all too easy to not make time to be with other people. T suggested I take a fun class and meet new people that way. And for building on existing relationships (I seem to make "acquaintences" rather than "friends"), he asked me to initiate contact with one person I know a month for the next year, such as someone from work--and meet up with them for coffee or a movie, etc. He said, "you know 12 people don't you?" Well, I'm not sure I do know 12 people I could meet up with, but I did identify 3 people as a start. So I'm going to try this and see where it goes. And in the Fall, I plan to take a class. Someone I liked from work quit there a while back, so a few weeks ago I sent her a brief and friendly message on facebook to reconnect. She didn't answer my message, though, so I feel discouraged. Need to try someone else, I guess.

Anyway, watchermuggle, those are the 2 strategies I am going to try to build relationships. I don't think I have a big motivation to be social, so it is really easy to let a meeting with T once a month fill my social need. Do you think either of these two ideas might be ones you would try? It's so hard, I know. Good luck.

Yeah, I think you've got it all there.

You know what, my main interest is my career, but like I said, it makes it hard to meet people because I'm bouncing around. I don't know what my interests/talents are beyond that. I don't really engage in any hobbies.

I've spent so much of my life sacrificing or meeting the needs of others that I don't really know what even interests me. That is really painful to admit. I've wasted so much time.

I only have one "friend" so maybe I could try to do more with her. We've just been hanging out at her place or my place or going out to eat together. Maybe a goal would be to go out with her where we'll meet up with other people. She asked me the other day, but I turned her down cause I was too anxious about it.

Okay. That's a good. Do you want to try that first, or think of other options now? What would work better for you?

What would it take to not feel so anxious about going out with your friend where you'll meet up with other people?

Do you have any volunteer groups you can join? I know sometimes these groups can ask a lot of a person and their time but if you're the sort of perrson who can say "no" and set boundaries (i'm not one of them but I'm working on it) it maybe an option. I'm working on attending a meeting this week, last month i actually made it to the building but couldn't go in, this week I'm aiming to go and stay as long as I feel comfortable, even if its only 10 mins. And I won't beat myself up about it. Who knows next month I may even talk to somebody

I'm fairly shy and like my alone time; neither of these things are conducive to building strong friendships. In case it might be at all useful to you, I'll share something that helps me get out and be with people.

A few years ago I asked a neighborhood friend to start walking with me. We weren't great friends, but knew each other from the neighborhood. Soon, she invited a couple of other people to join us and now, she isn't even walking with me, but I have two other friends that I never would have had before.

Why am I sharing this? Because I, who feel uncomfortable talking with others, found that walking made it so much easier to get used to talking and getting to know someone else. If I didn't have anything to say, I could always ask questions about what we saw--"those plants are really nice, do either of you like to garden?" "look at the color of that house, it seems a bit much?" As we talked more about these types of things, we all learned to open up a bit more about other things that were a bit more interesting.

You said:
"My friends are severely limited and even then, I don't go out much. One friend is trying to help me get back out on the social scene, but I'm scared. I don't know anyone like me."

Could your friend get another person or two to walk? It worked for me.

Also, you are unique so don't expect to "know anyone like" you. Just try to get comfortable with others and find someone you like.

Sorry if this is totally useless.

I used to have some quite unhealthy relationships, and part of my work was to end those, which I did. Developing a network of meaningful relationships is difficult and time consuming, although my approach has been to get involved in things that interest me with the primary goal of finding enjoyment. It was difficult to figure out what I even liked or disliked...but I ended up trying out a number of things - paranormal investigating, stand-up comedy, writing workshops, etc. Ultimately, I did meet people and some of those relationships started to develop.

My issue at the moment is that I would be involved in activities and engaged with people for a period of time - and then I would withdraw for months at a time. This leaves people unable to rely on me to 'stick around' for any real length of time. It's an issue I'm trying to work on, but it's difficult. I find there are many bouts of time that I just want to be alone.

Unfortunately, though, developing a network of real life support is important - so I know I need to work harder on this.

This thought makes me slide into major depression.
I can't even imagine how empty my life will be without my T...

I have a few friends and I've made some(though not much...) progress in opening up to them. It's just that...sometimes I don't feel like myself when I'm with them and I just want to tell them to go to hell and let me breathe.
I'm going on a trip with them in a few days and I'm incredibly anxious. I'll have to pretend I'm fine and all happy for five days straight! That's just so hard, it seems like an eternity. I don't want to go, but I can't cancel AGAIN. They'll be mad at me.

Can I just sleep it off and wake up in September? Pretty pretty please?

FWIW, and just to provide a different perspective, the less alone time I get, the more I keep people away. That is, when I have to have people around me all the time I don't build any meaningful friendships at all - it's all pointless small talk, or usually no talk at all, because it is so exhausting for me to have people around. It's only when I get time alone to recuperate that I am able to store enough mental energy to take an active interest in other people.

This was beautifully put, EmilysZoo! Thank you.

I understand your worry, SkinnySoul, and have been in similar situations. Can you plan for some time alone each day, in some way? Will you get your own room to sleep, at least?