How do you stay connected to your T?

How I can I depend less on my T yet stay connected to her? When the "child" parts used to express their feelings about her, to her, and we worked with them, I felt a strong connection. But lately, because we've been talking more as peers, and working on adult issues, I don't feel the connection.

I don't want to pull away from my T yet. I still want to feel close to her. It's likely that I'll see her until March, so there's plenty of time. I miss what I had with her but I know I have to "grow up." So, how can I do that and still feel the connection?

Can you say more about what makes you feel connected, and how you experience that? Is it a bodily feeling, or more of a thinking type thing? In other words: what is it that you feel sometimes, but not at other times?

As to how I stay connected to my T, I think it's a variety of different things. Hard to put my finger on it.

I like to stay disconnected at this point in time. It is so much easier. I cant feel anymore nor do I want to. My distrustful part is keeping me safe.

Have you ever tried connecting with the gifts that she brings out in you? This seems to help me and I also find it comforting. Or maybe there is a space you shared together that you could revisit? Holding a reminder of her in your hands? I like to think of connecting with my loving parts and those who have touched my life are always there with me. I feel connected when I feel love and joy and, mostly, when I'm connected with myself.

Take care, Rainbow.

One thing that helps is I keep a list in a locked Livejournal (so only I can see it) of all the things he's said to me that I want to remember. Reading over that and remembering the moments when he said each one, that really helps.

Hard question! You don't feel a connection even though you have a positive working relationship?

What is it a about the child parts and their experiences with T that make you feel connected?

I wonder if what you call connectedness is the same thing most of us would call connectedness or if your perception is a little skewed. Your descriptions of feeling connected in the past almost seemed a bit over the top or inflated or "high" (I'm not sure what word I'm looking for here), like connection on steroids or something. Is it possible that the connection is still there, but has finally taken on a more realistic, grounded connection instead of flying in the clouds all the time? But you are still looking for that high?

Rainbow, how do stay feeling connected to other people in your life? Can you use that as a basis or model for how to feel connected to your T?

For instance, I have a friend who moved to California. Neither of us are particularly fond of the telephone so we email or send letters sometimes. When we were in California at one point, we stayed at her house, and it was truly like we had seen each other the day before. No matter where we are, we know the other person is there if we just reach out. I have connections to other adults, and my connection to my T is similar, if a bit more intense.

I can totally relate. I think it's a more intense kind of connection when it is "young" stuff. And it the grownup stuff feels less intense. I miss that too. It's kind of like caffeine vs. heroin (though I have never done drugs). It just doesn't affect you as deeply. On the flip side though, it is easier to function in the rest of my life when I'm not doing as much of the intense stuff. Because the adult stuff is more like other relationships with people outside therapy. I think finding other ways you connect can help (like for me it's humor... or sharing knitting or painting projects I'm working on, or asking about her dogs). Probably good to talk about it with her too.

I do this too. I journal after most sessions and if soemthing happened that i want to hang onto and remember I write it out with as much detail as possible and I go back and read them all the time too. Also, this is kinda weird I guess but another client of hers is a good friend of mine and she asked T what perfume she wears and went and got some and gave me the sample bottle of it. I keep it in my car and when im feeling really crappy I smell it and brings me comfort of T.

Thank you, tr. It's hard to put my finger on it, also. I just feel like she's a stranger but she's not. I've been seeing her for 3 1/2 years. Maybe I feel more connected when we do things together, like meditation (focusing on my breath). I used to feel connected when I held her hand or when she sat next to me on the couch. Or when she moved her chair closer so I could see her better. Or when I talked about hard things like shame. Or maybe it's because we didn't do SE last week; I talked a lot instead. It was too fast. I think it's to do with something physical, like looking at her and really seeing her. But I decided that's not productive for me because I'll have those feelings again--that she makes me feel too good.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now but it IS easier in a way, not to connect. If it hurts so much to connect deeply to a T, what's the point?

Thanks, Brightheart. Yes, I connect with her when I see pretty scenery or when I go to a certain beach she told me about. I get what you mean, but as long as I'm still in therapy, I want to connect with HER.

Thank you. I have my old emails to read and that helps, except when I feel bad that she won't write anymore. Making my own list may be a better idea.

I feel that T connects more with the child parts; at least she used to. I feel a connection with her but she seems like a stranger. Maybe that was only last session.

As usual, I think you're right, Chris. I don't feel that "high" or if I start to feel it, I stop myself. I'm afraid of feeling what I used to feel with her, but I miss it. I am still looking for that middle ground where I can feel close to my T, but not too close so that it's not normal.

Thanks, mkac. I think Chris is right; it's the intensity I had with my T that I think of as connection. I want to feel connected in a normal way, but when I do, it feels like I'm missing something. With my friends, I have lower expectations. I'm not looking for them to give me what I want from my T. I know I can reach out to my T if I need her. I felt a little disappointed at the session because the first thing I said to her was "I need you to help me". I thought we'd connect more because I said that. Instead, I just talked and talked about my feelings, and she gave me feedback that I already knew. I wanted more, but she didn't have more to give me.

That's exactly how I feel, purplejell. The grownup stuff is less intense and it's about other people, not about my T and me. We connect when I talk about painting but I haven't painted lately.

Thanks, struggling. I have a small heart T gave me, as well as something she wrote out for me. I also have a guided meditation she made for me. Those are all good but I want to connect more during the session like we used to do, too.

Rainbow, you've often talked about the love feelings, like being in love with your T. In a relationship with a spouse, those first few months tend to be that "in love" stage, but those high "in love" feelings aren't very real. The "in love" stage is generally fleeting and if a relationship truly is lasting and truly connected, you realize "in love" is not about roses and romantic dinners and walks on the beach. True love, or in this case, true connection comes later, and it comes with realizing you accept that person with all their flaws. You are there as they screw up or get sick and need you to help them up and down off the toilet after surgery. All that everyday, down-to-earth kind of living that we do together in a relationship is where the real connection is found.

Girls who see little babies and think they want a cute little baby to dress up and show off to their friends are also "in love" with the idea of having a baby, but we all know parenthood has little to do with dress up and a lot to do with wiping butts and getting thrown up on and cleaning up messes along the way. The real connection in that parenting relationship comes with getting through all those everyday real activites and seeing how in a really weird way, all that normalness is where the real connection lies.

Even when the "romance" of a relationship has passed, a solid connection is still there, made more solid by that commitment to the day-to-day good and bad of whatever the relationship presents to us.

You have a therapist who is there for you each and every time you go see her. She has been patient through whatever you have presented to her. She has been accepting and helpful along the way no matter how difficult things became. THAT is a connection--a real connection--that you are completely missing because you are still longing for that honeymoon high.

Open yourself to seeing that connection that is already there. You don't need that high for the connection to be there. You just need to open yourself to the reality of what your T's commitment and patience and kindness indicates about the state of connectedness in your therapy relationship.

Open your eyes. It's already there. It's just on the ground level rather than floating in the clouds. You are looking in the wrong place.

I'm trying to practice holding up my end of the relationship while t is on vacation this week. So while I haven't met my goal of Extreme Home and Beauty Makeover, I did get out one day for a haircut and shopping, and texted t happy birthday and let him know I got out of the house. I got a simple message back that I didn't stress over. It was really more symbolic, a head nod on both our parts. A checking in. For me to do that without freaking out is pretty good. Ie without me denying the need for it, or without me making the contact into something other than what it is.

Thank you again, Chris. Everything you said is true. I know that the real connection with my T is good, and I don't "need" that high. But without it, or something close, it seems like I'm not connected. What I mean is that it all makes sense and I can tell myself I'm okay with it and my T is doing a good job with me and the connection is there, but I still feel the disappointment. There's a piece or a part of me that seems to crave intensity from another person. I get that same high from seeing the lake, listening to beautiful music, being with my grandchildren, etc., but I'm used to getting it from my T too. I've been this way for many years, so it's hard to stop. I can try, and I do, tell myself "this is the way it's supposed to be" but there's a disappointment I can't control. I'm not sure if it's physical or emotional. I think I have to live with it, and keep practicing mindfulness to enjoy whatever I'm doing in the moment, whether it's in therapy or out.

I'm glad you're doing well, hankster. I know vacations are hard!! Good for you on getting out of the house and not making more out of the contact with T than what it is.

((((((( rainbow8 )))))))

I'm not really sure if i can relate... with my old t, I tried to do a lot to stay connected with her. after my sessions, i did a lot of journalling. I have a whole journal that is dedicated to letters to my t- thoughts about our session, etc. I never give them to my t, but its like a compilation of all the things that I would like to tell my t. It makes me feel like she's present even when she's not. I know that sounds crazy but thats the best I can describe it. I also have some small tokens that my t has given me- a smooth stone, a stuffed animal, etc. When I'm thinking of t, I hold those and the memories come flooding back.

This is really quite beautifully simple.

I don't think that's weird. My T's room is painted this lovely shade of dark turquoise/teal and I got some nail polish in a similar colour as it makes me think of him if my nails are that colour.

I agree with this. I think it might be helpful to reframe the problem - it's not that you aren't connected to your T, it's that you're looking for constant proof of that connection, like it's something transient and not constant.

I understand about the journal. I feel that way about all the emails I sent to my T. I'm just kind of grieving over what's over, when I know the present is good enough.

I agree that Chris surpassed herself with her post to me. I hope it helps others too. She's right. My T has been extremely patient and kind with me. She's always there, in the same calm, peaceful, optimistic way. She takes her work very seriously and is not going to abandon me. Her caring and the connection ARE right there, in front of me. I don't have to do anything for them to be there (leaving out the money aspect right now). I am going to try to see it the way you expressed it, Chris.

That could be true. If my T and I have an average, blah kind of session, it leaves me wanting the "more intense connection". Or, maybe it seems like there isn't any connection, like it disappeared, when, like you and Chris said, it's always there, right in front of me.