Hugs from your therapist-how they heal

So was the last session not as ruined by this rejection of your hug as it sounded?

It wasn't 100% ruined but it was ruined somewhat. It has now been several months since the afro-mentioned final session so I have had time to gain some perspective on it and I do see that we made some great steps in therapy (we met for 4 years BTW) and I have carried some of that over to my current Therapist but at the same time the hug rejection has always stuck in my head.

Personally I rarely try to initiate a hug in fact I can only think of 2 or 3 other times in recent years where I have done so (in all of the other circumstances I was hugged back) if I hug someone with a "Free Hugs" sign (which I have done several times in the past) I feel that the hug has already been verbally initiated to me, so in some ways I think that a hug invitation from me can been seen as somewhat of a reward that I view you in high stature. But at the same time if someone else imitates than I almost always hug back even if I am not so thrilled about getting the hug since I think it is the respectful thing to do.

Excellent point! I'm looking at it from only my point of view (hug me/touch me) and not the view of the therapist who may not want to engage in physical contact with a client.

I've been seeing my T for coming up on two years. Except for a handshake the day we met, we never touched. Ever. When we stand up at the end of a session and I pass by him to leave, he puts his hands in his pockets. Sometimes, I leave feeling like an Untouchable.

A few weeks ago, I saw one of my medical doctors. For various reasons, I cried in his office. He used to be a physical therapist, so touch is a natural part of his communication repertoire. As I was crying, he was rubbing my hand, arm, and shoulder to soothe me. I loathe, hate, and despise crying in front of people, but this guy made it okay. I felt truly cared for.

When I cry in therapy, I feel safe, but not really comforted. T never even acknowledges that I'm crying, even though he knows how difficult it is for me and how much I hate it. He sits his circumspect distance way and, while he looks concerned, he doesn't move a muscle.

I've been thinking about that contrast a lot lately. Touch is very important to me. I'm very tactile. Most of the things that make me the most content involve touch and tactile sensation - a soft breeze, an animal's soft fur, a baby's soft skin, a smooth stone. I need touch. I crave it. If I run a hug deficit, I get very cranky.

So today, I screwed up my courage and talked to T about it. I should have done it a year ago. He told me that there have been many times he wanted very much to hug me, but because of the physical and sexual abuse in my past, he absolutely would not touch me uninvited. But all I have to do is reach out for touch and he will give it. I don't even have to verbalize the need. Just reach out. Simple as that. I got a hug today. Best hug ever.

I'm not sure the problem was in not asking. It seems to me you did somethign that was natural and organic, and asking would have changed the whole feeling of it.

I think Ts probably have a right to say NO, although I can see your point about such a hug ought to be in their skill set. If for the sake of argument I assume it would be okay to say NO to a good-bye hug, that doesn't mean any manner of saying NO is okay. It sounds like she was slightly defensive and expressed disapproval in her NO. I wonder if it would have made a difference if:
She took one or both hands and said "I'm so touched you feel like a hug. I really value what we and you have done here. I can't reciprocate a hug for lots of reasons that I could explain if you want, but I know we are ending. I hope you leave knowing how touched I am by your work here, and how touched I am by your letter. Please don't see my lack of a hug as any expression of my valuing of our connection. I'm glad you were my client"
maybe end with a hearty hand clasp and looking into your eyes. or Japanese style bow of respect. or ??

or something like that. Would that have made a difference?

I don't think it's too much to expect a T to have some response besides a brick wall that maintains their boundaries with no recognition of the client's feelings and vulnerability.

You know what she did kind of say that when she gave me a handshake but it still was hard for me to accept not getting a hug. Maybe I could have compromised in getting a "Christian" side hug, which most of us do with people during photo opportunities or at the very least a "Bro" hug which is basically a handshake accept you lightly pat the other person on the back.

I'm beginning to "feel" your point. I can see me in such a situation, and the hug being a natural expression of deep feelings. My T doesn't give hugs - but makes an exception for the last meeting. I don't think Ts should be able or willing to give hugs at the decision of the client, but I thinking I am seeing your point as relates to your situation. Perhaps it shoudl be in their skill set. this conversation is helping me process something, so thank you for your honesty.

Imagine going into an emergency room with a broken leg that's hanging off a gurney. there you are in the worst pain of all time. you're screaming from the pain.
the doctor walks up to your gurney and says... you can have as much pain medicine as you need but only after your leg has fully healed.
you scream... but I won't need it then!
the doctor response... now you understand perfectly.

Hugs are emotional pain meds.
I think it's unethical and down right cruel not to manage that pain.
I also acknowledge that there is the danger of addiction.

But, what about the danger of becoming addicted to neglect in yourself because you've been denied so many times.

I for one have never received comfort or consolation for my pain. Thank you Dr. God.
I know exactly how to help the hurting world outside your office. With the medicine of detached indifference. You are a great inspiration tp us all..

Personally I think it has to dp with looks. If you're good looking you get to cash in on affections that ugly pepple can't.
I'm an ugly one unfortunately.
Maybe they don't give hugs because they don't want to make a living selling affection and they don't want to feel like a prostitute.

Here's an idea...
Why not hug or offer a hug to the person who was in the office before you or ask for a hug from the person going in after you. Then we can make the therapist feel like they're the ones left out of a loving world they can never fit into.

I don't know how you can compare a hug in therapy to prostitution and that's downright wrong to make that comparison.

But I can see your point about someone being more willing to hug their Therapist due to attraction. I probably wouldn't want to hug my Family Therapist but I think that is more due to age differences (her being at least 2 decades older than me) than attractiveness. I think that it can be a combination of both as to why someone would or would not want to hug their Therapist.

Why wouldn't a hug from someone older be acceptable?

I would be totally uncomfortable with this to ever happen again as my last t kissed me during a 'hug'. I guess they are fine with a good t but how do you know if they are ethical or not and not getting something other than an embrace that is pure from erotic thought? Sorry but I have total mistrust of t's still. I am working on it and plan to with next t but certainly no more hugs!

Oh it is if you want it to, I personally just wouldn't feel as comfortable getting a hug from a Therapist who is much older than me vs getting one from someone who is close in age to me. Some people have no problem hugging a Therapist of any age and that is OK. I was just pointing out that with me it is more about age than attractiveness as to whether or not I would want a hug.

I actually had a dream once that my Therapist not only hugged me but kissed me as well after a session

I think that the line has to be drawn somewhere and kisses are over the line (I personally have never kissed anyone other than someone who I was in a relationship with at the time).

I'm a healthcare provider and this is just, wow, a really, really interesting simile (or is it a metaphor? I forget...) Thank you for that!

Wow so I saw T yesterday and was offered a hug. Made me think of this post! Did I want a hug from her yes. Could I voice that was what I wanted, no. However she appears to understand me well and moved slowly and held me for a bit. This was nice.
To comment on the age thing, I could not hug someone my age or younger, they have to be older- like old enough to be my parent haha. I could also not hug a male like this, it would feel far far too uncomfortable for me.
I like what was said about hugs being like pain killers. This is true. Isn't it so much more comfortable and settling to cry an be held. Rather than someone sitting across the room watching you cry!

I HATE having a T sit across the room and watch me cry. I try not to cry just to avoid this. I end up hating T for it.

Your words have nothing to do with my point.

I understand the context of your statement.
What I was addressing is that there are ethics that deal with pain management as well. I was addressing a connection yo ethics and saying...lets not forget this...
Only the fist part of what I said addressed your statement whicj was a response analogy to your response analogy.
The rest was just me going off on a tangent.

If there are are ethics that keep a Dr. from acting ...there are just as many that compel action.

My point is that the manner of responding has to originate from the provider's base of knowledge and professional ethics, not from the command of the client. There are many ways to relieve pain: for my T in my therapy, refraining from touch was the right call to make, even though it went against my wishes. I thought it would relieve my pain, but in fact, it would have increased it in the short-term as well as hampered my healing in the long-term. Just because he would not relieve my pain in the manner I wanted does not mean that he didn't relieve my pain. But I had to be open to accepting help in a form different from what I envisioned.

Although that worked for you it cannot be universally true for everypne bc oof differing experiences.

My T has never, ever had any kind of physical contact with me. Part of me understands this because she is very cut and dry about ethics and boundaries, but part of me feels like I am a freak. Like she doesn't want to get anywhere near me... like I am an outcast. Sometimes I wish things were different, but at the same time I am afraid of what it will be like if we ever do hug or whatever. I don't know.

I can't stand this. It triggers me so badly. I need my T to do something, like pass the tissues. At one point I fantasised about getting him to hold up a sign saying: "I can see you're crying," when I cried.

As to addiction, my T hugs me when I ask him to. I don't ask that often. I just feel secure knowing the option is there.

Honestly I think that the "ethics codes" are well outdated but that is another argument for another time in my opinion.

I hate being watched too.

I would love to be touched but I know it would not be easy for me either.