Hugs from your therapist-how they heal

Well I think that Therapist should in effect be "required" to hug their clients if they want one because I think that it is part of their job.

If you remember in an earlier post I made a Dentist-Therapist comparison, well I think that in the same way- a Dentist has to go inside of patients mouths and deal with things such as their saliva and the like I think that in the same way a Therapist should have to have physical contact with their patients with such as a hug. If you were a Dentist and said that you didn't want to do root canals because they make you too squeamish than you wouldn't get anywhere and I think that the same should be the case if you are a Therapist and say that you don't do hugs. In other words I think that giving hugs are just as much a part of Therapy as doing root canals are a part of Dentistry. If you are not comfortable giving hugs to patients than you shouldn't be a Therapist.

Another important distinction in this topic is are we talking about a hug and in the quick hug you give when you're greeting someone or saying goodbye OR holding, ie being held by the therapist, leaning into the therapist while you're crying, lying your head on T's lap or any other variation i haven't mentioned.

I think a quick hug at the end of a session or hand holding or gently stroking a clients arm or back for comfort when upset might be less loaded or potentially damaging than say holding a client in a regressed state.
For the clients who can least emotionally tolerate the hugs and holding even tho they might want it so badly, they are the ones who probably need it most, the ones who missed out in that in childhood but it take a very special and very very patient and expert therapist to be able to navigate those waters.
Touch in therapy is a very complex issue isn't it!!? I don't envy therapists at all in this matter.

You do make some interesting points here but I do still believe that hugging is an essential part of Therapy.

I am actually the opposite of you, I don't like hugging family members at all (in fact I haven't hugged my mother or father in probably over a decade) but I have no problem hugging random people (I hugged many random people a while back as part of the "Free Hugs" campaign), a little unusual I guess but it is probably due to my condition.

As you told stopdog earlier, you are entitled to your own opinion, but obviously giving hugs is not actually part of a T's job description, because they are not required to give them. It's a personal/professional choice, and as mentioned in so many other posts here, might not even be healthy or helpful in all cases.
Your last sentence is much too black/white for me, as there might be a good reason why a T chooses not to hug overall, and they still might be an exceptionally good T...as was the case with my ex-T.

I don't want to get into a heated argument with you but I have to disagree with you on that it is not part of the job. One person even told me that saying "I don't do hugs" is like saying "I don't do therapy" and I agree with that. When choosing a career in general you need to know what it entails before deciding to go into it. I can tell you personally that early on in my life I wanted to be an EMT (en route to maybe a Paramedic and/or Medical Doctor) but early on I realized that some of the things I couldn't handle because I was too lightheaded for it so I left that career path.

I have yet to ask my current Therapist if she hugs or not, if she doesn't than I am OK with that but I don't necessarily agree with it.

By understanding the underlying psychology of the client. I would expect it's uncommon for clients to ask for hugs in the first several sessions, and would be telling if they did. So as time passes, the T should be developing insight into the client sufficient to form a theory of treatment. If there's any doubt about the response to touch, I think most Ts would refrain out of caution.

I think this is a confusion of wants and needs. Clients want all sorts of things that could conflict with their greater need of healing. Within the context of emotional difficulties, wants can be the consequence of the very problems the client hopes to heal. To gratify them could easily be at the expense of healing. Ts aren't at the command of clients to hug anymore than surgeons can be forced to provide surgery. Both are professionals whose dictates should be guided by what their professional training determines is in the client's best interests. If clients don't agree with those determinations, they are free to leave in either case.

Exactly. This is meeting the need, rather than the want. And a good T usually doesn't have a blanket policy applied in the same way to all clients. I very much wanted my T to hug me, but he refrained. And at the time, yes it hurt; but he made it a tolerable pain by connecting with me in other ways. I had a low tolerance for empathy, even though I craved it. Too much empathy would plunge me into a deeper depression. It would have absolutely destabilized me.

Thanks for this article, Stopdog. I felt that the most important part was the last sentence:

"A rule rigidly applied without thought can be as problematic as mindless gratification. Being conscious takes work"

Nuff said...at least in my humble opinion...

Wait a second, are you trying to tell me that if a surgeon doesn't want to operate on a dying patient than they don't have to, I don't think that would fly over too well and I think that the surgeon would be criminally charged and end up in jail for a LONG time if they did something like that.

You just contradicted yourself. If you think it is essential to the job and part of the job description, why would you see a therapist who didn't hug you and then accept that as being okay? If your therapist doesn't hug, then you just said you don't think she is doing her job.

And all of this is your opinion (because the APA doesn't require hugs as part of a T's job description), as is my opinion that my ex-T was doing his job just fine; I do not need hugging as part of my therapeutic experience. It is not essential for me to have hugs in my therapy. If the rules said my ex-T had to hug and he didn't become a T because of that, I would have missed out on some excellent therapy.

Not in the united states as a general rule. It would usually be civil, not criminal without other reasons. And there would have to be a medical reason for the surgeon to operate, not just the demand from the client.
I do not agree with AMA rules and regulations nor most state statutes on almost anything relating to hospitals and doctors or health care, but right now, if the surgeon did not believe the surgery was going to be helpful, they would not have to operate. Which is one reason why people leave the us to seek treatment in other countries.

Syra, what about if asking for a hug IS a way of self-soothing? We are mammels, after all...connection with other people is part of our genetic make-up. The reason I ask is that my ability to hug my therapist has been a great way of learning to self-soothe. I am slowly getting to the point where I can recognize my own distress and then ask for an extra hug or to sit closer, put my head on her shoulder, or what have you. It's been a great learning experience in a way I never imagined.

And I fully agree with you about TALKING about the hugs. It's so important and can also provide a great learning opportunity. Frankly, I think all interactions in therapy are ripe with learning opportunities, good and bad.

Ouch...I'm going to have to respectfully disagree here. I'm curious about the idea that hugging is part of a therapist's job...can you elaborate on your thought process here? I guess I feel that there's a huge difference between a hug and a root canal...

You're twisting the context of my words. If a surgeon believes it is unwise to operate, then operating simply because the patient commands it, would be unethical. Just as if a T believes that it is unwise to hug, then hugging simply because the client commands it, would be unethical.

It seems like a lot more effort to try and force a therapist to hug if they are not hugging inclined than to just go find a therapist who will hug.
The first therapist I see will not explain anything, after a few attempts to gain explanation from her failed, I simply go see others who will. It gets me the explanation I think is useful from a therapist, just not from that specific therapist. She does not have to explain, but I don't have to go without explanation.

I think this is going to be my last post on this aspect of this subject, but I think that people in the health care field in general know that there are certain things that go with their job. Most primary care physicians have to do things such as prostate exams (and we all know what they entail and having gotten one myself I can tell you it is accurate), dentists have to do the afro-mentioned root canals, so I think that in the same way hugs go with therapy. All of this is my own personal opinion and we can argue it for days so all I can say is that you have heard my side of the argument and your are entitled to your own side as well.

I struggle to hear you, although you make some good points. I don't have a problem if you were to say "I THINK HUGS SHOULD BE AVAILABLE TO CLIENTS." Reasonable people can disagree, and I think there is merit to your argument.

I find myself wanting to turn away and reject what you say, when you say "Ts THAT DON'T HUG ARE EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED." I imagine you are speaking of many of the relationships on this board, some of whom are very connected to Ts that dont' hug.

Perhaps you aren't as strident as I hear you when you say they are "emotionally crippled" if they don't give hugs, if you are willing to accept a T that doesn't hug. I suspect maybe so.

I am new to these forums so I really don't know anyone on here's relationship with their Therapist as of yet. So I am not speaking about anyone on this board.

I can tell you that I had a bad personal experience with my last Therapist when after our final session (I knew that it would be in advance due to my change in insurance) I tried to hug her as a way to say goodbye but she told me that she didn't give them and I was very hurt and upset and it still upsets me to this day. Many people say that it is the final impression that sticks with you the most and I can say that all of the things we talked about and progress that was made is now forever overshadowed for me by the fact that she wouldn't give me a hug.

That sounds so sad. I would be hurt too. I had something similar once (it wasn't a hug, it was offering a very modest gift of appreciation), and I understand the feeling, although circumstances were sufficiently different that I didn't have the same intensity to the feeling. I think it would leave a bad taste in my mouth too, and make me wonder about whether what happened in therapy was real. I'm so sorry this happened.

It is interesting that you say that because I actually did give my last Therapist a goodbye card with a note inside that I read and she liked a lot and did accept that from me so I though that it would be a great transition into a farewell hug but that is when things went downhill, she did give me a handshake but I was devastated by that point.

My x-T always asked if I wanted one before doing it, out of respect ( I did find them healing, but not if he hadn´t ask in advance). People don´t usually like being forced or having their personal and phycical space invaded. Freud and other well known therapist didn´t hug their clients. Therapy is not the same as saying " hey I can touch you without your consent" or you should touch me. Would you teach a child to hug everyone they meet? Or saying to your partner, " because we are in a relationship " you have to touch me, whenever I want. I can understand the pain of being rejected, but physical touch, like a hug IS different from a dentist appointment.

When i was in the depths of my eating disorder i found hugs from my T to be very healing. I felt so gross and repulsive that i never thought anyone would want to hug me.
When my T hugged me it made me start to think that maybe i wasn't as disgusting as i had thought.

Did you ask if you could hug her, or just move to hug her?

I extended my arms as a sign that I wanted to hug her and from there she declined it.

Well, it sounds like there wasn't any discussion about touch during therapy, nor before trying to hug. Therapy relationships have different parameters than social relationships, especially when they're mixed gender. So she was in a position of either allowing herself to be manipulated into doing something she was uncomfortable with (and I understand that you think she has no right to refuse touch as it's part of her job, but the therapeutic community would disagree with you on that), or decline in a calm and appropriate manner, as therapy was at an end and there was no opportunity for extended discussion.

FWIW, even in social relationships that have not involved touch, it can be seen as presumptuous for a man to initiate a hug.

It could be, BTW it was mixed gender since I am a male (I guess I reveled that when I explained that I have had a prostate exam before ), but at the same time I don't know how that should hinder things for me I think it's the opposite since I don't know if I would ever want to hug a male Therapist (not that I wouldn't see one I just wouldn't want to hug one).

I actually did think about asking if I could have one after the final meeting in the meeting before that (I knew a few weeks in advance that we would be ending Therapy soon) but in the end I just decided to go for it and honestly I am happy that I did because I think that if I had asked earlier in she said no that I would have been devastated earlier on and might not have wanted to go to that final session and just end Therapy right there.