[rainbow8]

I can't stop thinking about what I posted in the "how do you want your last session to be?" thread. I don't think I can wait until then. I want to ask her now so if she says no, I can process my disappointment with her.

It would mean so much to me if she would paint a small painting just for me. Painting is her hobby so I know she paints whenever she has free time. I'm not asking for proof that she cares about me. I don't need that. It's just something I would treasure forever.

My T does things out-of-the-box and our shared interest in art has been a source of connection. She may want us to paint together in the session, but she uses oils, I think, so it's not practical in the office. Maybe I will have to settle for that option anyway, but I really wish that she would give me this small gift.

I'm already thinking how hard it will be to ask her, but I'm going to anyway. I know in RL, it's rude to ask (unless it's from my H) for exactly what you want, but this is therapy. One of my former Ts gave me a book when I terminated with her; the others didn't give me anything. I gave them gifts. The book from that T was a surprise; I thought it was against the rules. Apparently not. She wrote something nice in it; the book itself wasn't what I would have chosen.

So, has anyone asked for a specific gift from their T, and did you get it?
I know asking for a T to BUY something would be rude, but asking her to do something that she already does for enjoyment and relaxation, seems a little more acceptable. It probaby crosses boundaries for many Ts. Any thoughts on this?

[bunnylove45]

How funny you bring this up, I was just thinking this very thought last night. I would love to have a memento of sorts from my therapist. Maybe a photo of him that I take in his office? Or a nice hand written note from him? Maybe an object in his room that reminds him of me?

I've never asked, and mostly like will not. I sense that is crossing some boundary, though I'm sure I've crossed many in the time I've seen him!

[iGottaBme]

I asked for a photo and he gave it to me.

It seems like asking your T to spend probably hours to paint you a picture might be asking a bit much. It seems a bit much to ask, but maybe I'm wrong.

[rainbow8]

Asking for T to paint a painting for me is more involved than just a photo. I think she will probably agree to some kind of art work together in the session instead, but I can still ask.

[rainbow8]

I know, Chris. But she loves to paint! Maybe she has a small painting sitting around her house that she wants to get rid of? Maybe it won't take hours. I can do a watercolor in about an hour or 2. I know oils are different. My T does abstract art. I don't like it that much, but it's growing on me! I'm still going to ASK and see what she says.

[stopdog]

I wouldn't ask, but then as far as I know, the woman doesn't have anything I would want.
I probably would not ask a friend or anyone else for that matter so for me it is not because the woman is a therapist.

It just seems odd to ask someone to give you a gift. That just seems counter to what gift giving is about. I might ask for a letter or something like that, but to ask someone to give me a gift just seems bad form. Now maybe if the two of you created something together as part of a session, that would be much more appropriate and perhaps more meaningful in the long run.

[feralkittymom]

I could see asking to exchange notes, or even, perhaps, asking for something little from the office if her office is the type where there's lots of little "things." But more than that, no.

I didn't want anything tangible from my T, though I gave him a small gift related to his hobby--but that was because he was retiring, not because our therapy was ending. I just didn't feel the need for a "thing."

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

It just seems odd to ask someone to give you a gift. That just seems counter to what gift giving is about. I might ask for a letter or something like that, but to ask someone to give me a gift just seems bad form. Now maybe if the two of you created something together as part of a session, that would be much more appropriate and perhaps more meaningful in the long run.

Just wondered if you read all my posts above, because doing it together was my Plan B. I would never ask anyone else, but I don't think it's rude to ask my T. She's not just SOMEONE; she's my T. The problem with creating something together, is that I don't think she can be creative "in the session". When I was painting or making a collage once, she was doodling, and it wasn't very good. The birthday card we made together was just what I needed at the time, but I want something that shows my T's love of art. But I suppose maybe if we make it an entire session, and plan for it(but not my last session), it could work.

I know I will talk about my disappointment because I can see her saying that she can't paint a picture for me, and I feel the hurt about it already. But maybe she WILL do it for me. I'll ask her next session because I want to get it over with.

So, not only do you want this art from your T, you have an expectation of quality that she has to meet? Rainbow, are you hearing yourself?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I could see asking to exchange notes, or even, perhaps, asking for something little from the office if her office is the type where there's lots of little "things." But more than that, no.

I didn't want anything tangible from my T, though I gave him a small gift related to his hobby--but that was because he was retiring, not becauses: our therapy was ending. I just didn't feel the need for a "thing."

It's not that it's a "thing"; it's more because my T and I share a love of art. I suppose I could ask her for photos of some of her artwork.

I guess the bottom line is that my distorted thinking is: "T, if you really, really care about me, and I'm not just your job, you would do this for me because it would mean so very much to me."

I don't want something from her office: she's given me little things. I want her ARTWORK because it's HER passion, and she's helping me find mine. Maybe that's illogical. Maybe I'm in the clouds again. Maybe asking and getting a no will get me to finally cry in therapy. I don't know but asking her is very important.

[unaluna]

If you would never ask anyone else, why would you ask your t? This is something to think about. By putting an artificial end to your sessions, maybe you never came to see your t as just another person? I think it's good this question has come up. It shows that t is still on a pedestal, with some magic powers.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

So, not only do you want this art from your T, you have an expectation of quality that she has to meet? Rainbow, are you hearing yourself?

No, I don't mean that. She's an artist. I don't want us to make a kindergarten card in 5 minutes!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

If you would never ask anyone else, why would you ask your t? This is something to think about. By putting an artificial end to your sessions, maybe you never came to see your t as just another person? I think it's good this question has come up. It shows that t is still on a pedestal, with some magic powers.

I can't explain why I would ask her. I know she's another person, AND I want her to give me, or paint me a picture. She doesn't have magical powers, but I still would like her to give me or paint a picture. Dialectics.

I knew I'd get criticized, and I know T probably won't do it for me. I let you all know what her answer is.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I can't explain why I would ask her. I know she's another person, AND I want her to give me, or paint me a picture. She doesn't have magical powers, but I still would like her to give me or paint a picture. Dialectics.

I knew I'd get criticized, and I know T probably won't do it for me. I let you all know what her answer is.

No, not criticizing. I think it's good this question came up. It IS the contrast that's the issue. But I dont think she knows the answer, based on my experience with my asking my t the same questions repeatedly. The answer was within me. He just had to be patient and try to answer it differently each time. THEN we got somewhere.

I understand the wish... but it does seem like it could be a bit much to ask. I would suggest that you ask your T if you could create something together in session (I know you said this was your plan B). This would give you a piece of art that would represent your time together and collaboration and would be a nice sentimental thing to keep... (Acrylics might be a good option if you wanted to create something together that has something of the effect of the oil works your T creates but with less mess.) (ETA: maybe you could organise a longer session or work on it over a number of sessions, whilst you talked, to create something that wasn't 'kindergarten/5 minutes')

But, if that won't do, and as you seem to have an expectation of quality and you share this 'love of art' and you want something your T has enjoyed creating in her own time, maybe you could ask her if she has any pieces for sale? I think it is presumptuous that she would just give you something.

Oil paintings take a LONG time, even if they are 'just abstract'... and although you say your T 'loves to paint' - which might be true - it is difficult for some people to be creative 'on demand'. She may not enjoy having the (I hate to use this word, but..) obligation of creating something for you in her own personal time. Maybe she paints just for herself - maybe it is a process for her.

My T has told me she sometimes writes poetry - but I also know it's not something she does all the time, but when the mood takes her. I couldn't ever assume she would ever feel inspired to write a poem about or for me and give it to me as a gift, though, do you see?

My T has given me small gifts, and I will cherish them - but part of that is knowing that they were given as gifts, that she thought of me. if I had asked for them, it would be nice that she gave them, but may seem somewhat like hollow trophies, don't you think? It'd be different if, hypothetically, T said 'I want to give you a gift, what do you want?'

Suppose your T did paint you a picture. Would it be enough? What if you didn't like it? Thought the colours were wrong or that it looked rushed, or, or, or....?

[BlessedRhiannon]

Personally, I dislike receiving gifts. They make me uncomfortable. Just the thought of asking for a gift from someone has both my anxiety and sense of propriety screaming at me. It's simply not something I would ever do.

As for asking T specifically for something...I have a hard enough time just asking for a phone call or email from her. It feels like too much of an imposition. Asking her to give me something...it's never even crossed my mind. I wouldn't want to impose on her free time like that.

I understand the desire to have something that T created, but I wonder if it would be enough for you. What if she spent the time to create it and it didn't live up to your expectations? What if she gave you a piece that she'd already created and wasn't done specifically for you? Would you feel slighted, or like she didn't care enough, because it wasn't made specifically for you? I really think something more meaningful would be something you create together over several sessions, like Just_some_girl suggested.

I do understand the feeling behind this desire though. I feel a really strong wish for something tangible from my T to keep forever. He has given me many intangible gifts, but I do want something to hold and to physically have. Not sure I could ever ask, though, and if I did ask and he gave me something, not sure that I wouldn't always feel a little sick looking at, knowing I had to ASK for it and maybe he just did it because he felt obligated.

[Miswimmy1]

My old t was very out of the box and we would do all sorts of crazy stuff. I never really asked her for anything, except to not abandon me. She did give me gifts but it was always voluntary... And it was usually food or a card or something.

I think if u want something from your t and it makes sense, then there would be no objection to it. And if your t says no, then that opens the topic up for discussion as to why u need the object, and why it doesn't make sense.

[FeelTheBurn]

I get the desire for a special, personalized gift. Truly. But it seems to me that asking puts your T in an impossible position. If, for whatever reason, she declines, you will feel hurt and rejected, creating a rupture and lowering the odds of a clean, positive closing to your time together. If she agrees, she would be setting you up for disappointment if the gift isn't exactly what you're hoping for.

I know it's not what you intend, but this is a trap. By asking for this you're saying, "Prove to me that I'm special, more special than any of your other clients. Devote your personal time to creating proof that you care. And if you don't, you will prove to me that I am not special to you, and that you don't really care." She can't win. And, more importantly, neither can you--you're allowing the most insecure, untrusting part of you to orchestrate the end of your therapeutic relationship. Is that truly what you want?

[bunnylove45]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's not that it's a "thing"; it's more because my T and I share a love of art. I suppose I could ask her for photos of some of her artwork.

I guess the bottom line is that my distorted thinking is: "T, if you really, really care about me, and I'm not just your job, you would do this for me because it would mean so very much to me."

I don't want something from her office: she's given me little things. I want her ARTWORK because it's HER passion, and she's helping me find mine. Maybe that's illogical. Maybe I'm in the clouds again. Maybe asking and getting a no will get me to finally cry in therapy. I don't know but asking her is very important.

Hugs to you! I often have distorted thinking patterns myself.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

I get the desire for a special, personalized gift. Truly. But it seems to me that asking puts your T in an impossible position. If, for whatever reason, she declines, you will feel hurt and rejected, creating a rupture and lowering the odds of a clean, positive closing to your time together. If she agrees, she would be setting you up for disappointment if the gift isn't exactly what you're hoping for.

I know it's not what you intend, but this is a trap. By asking for this you're saying, "Prove to me that I'm special, more special than any of your other clients. Devote your personal time to creating proof that you care. And if you don't, you will prove to me that I am not special to you, and that you don't really care." She can't win. And, more importantly, neither can you--you're allowing the most insecure, untrusting part of you to orchestrate the end of your therapeutic relationship. Is that truly what you want?

I'm sorry that I'm not answering in order but this reply struck me first. I know you're right. So now I'm not sure if I'm going to ask her or not. I may say that "I wanted to ask her" but I know the answer is to do artwork together, during the session. I did want her to prove that I'm more special because of the art. I also wanted something artistic from her.

I know when someone asks me to draw something, I can't do it on the spot. It comes out amateurish. I think my T is that way too, because she doesn't draw, she paints. So we have to paint together, not draw.

It really hurts to think about this but the replies are wise mind, where I've been in emotion mind. Except my Plan B, which is almost as good, because then I'll KNOW T is creating it just for me.

Still..... because... I don't know why......just

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

I get the desire for a special, personalized gift. Truly. But it seems to me that asking puts your T in an impossible position. If, for whatever reason, she declines, you will feel hurt and rejected, creating a rupture and lowering the odds of a clean, positive closing to your time together. If she agrees, she would be setting you up for disappointment if the gift isn't exactly what you're hoping for.

I know it's not what you intend, but this is a trap. By asking for this you're saying, "Prove to me that I'm special, more special than any of your other clients. Devote your personal time to creating proof that you care. And if you don't, you will prove to me that I am not special to you, and that you don't really care." She can't win. And, more importantly, neither can you--you're allowing the most insecure, untrusting part of you to orchestrate the end of your therapeutic relationship. Is that truly what you want?

I like your answer, FTB. When I was in the hospital last September, an ambulance took me there, and a taxi took me home.T semi-offered to drive me home, but honestly he lives waaaaaaay over the other side of town, and he would have to pass my place to get to the hospital. Plus I was totally embarrassed at the whole idea. No way could I ask ANYBODY to do that. But in the weeks that followed, he stressed that he WANTED to drive me home. I still haven't processed that. At my birthday, he said he WANTED to get me a present. I still havent processed that either - or gotten anything! It's about us (the clients) being able to accept something from this figure without there being a problem with it. So what is the problem from the past for you? Were your birthdays always great? Winter holidays?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

So, not only do you want this art from your T, you have an expectation of quality that she has to meet? Rainbow, are you hearing yourself?

It's not the quality. I mean that when I am put on the spot to draw, it comes out looking like a kindergartener did it. My T paints, but doesn't draw. We have to prepare for a session where we have the right supplies and enough space, too. I don't know if the conditions are right in T's office. But I see your point. My whole idea was stupid. I got carried away.