[franki_j]

I have been doing better this past week. My AmeriCorps term of service ended this week, and I completed my hours and am on track to get my Education Award so I can get money to continue taking Psychology classes.
Finishing up my term was the hardest thing to do for me; I felt as though I was treated unfairly by the non-profit I worked at; the top three comments I heard regarding me were "You're so pretty", "You're so nice", and "You're so good at working with kids", while my male co-worker worked on grants and database management and got hired permanently. I was also told "It was time to marry me off," when I bought in some food I had cooked for a staff potluck (I guess since I'm a good cook I should quit work and get married...)

Anyways, that is a little bit of background concerning why I've been such a wreck this past month. It doesn't help that my dad didn't think I was intelligent growing up and was more focused on the way I looked than on my studies. So, basically it's been really hard for me and I've been taking a lot of the frustration out on myself, and blaming myself, like I usually do.

So I feel more optimistic now that I've finished at that place, but I am seeing T on Tuesday and I feel like she is going to end things with me officially and make me go see someone else. I also got into the DBT study, but I haven't called them to set up an intake appt. Part of the reason for this is that if T hears I've gotten in she will make me go, which means I won't get to see her for 6 months/a year, and she is sick, so maybe by the time I get finished she won't be there at all. I also am wary of going, b/c I honestly feel like I don't fit the research criteria (suicidal with borderline personality disorder). I may be slightly suicidal, but I know I don't have BPD. Also, I think a lot of what I've been feeling and going through is situational, another reason why I don't think I fit the criteria.

I feel pretty OK right now, but I am scared that when T tries to wrap things up with me, I will fall back into a nervous wreck. I almost wish she hadn't called me and hadn't waited for me for a half hour, because of course I am going to come in after hearing that. It would just be easier for me to get my grieving over with rather than draw it out; I really didn't think she would call.

Franki
Your t is amazing, I am so glad that you are being courageous and making the decision to go see t again. You don't know for sure that this will be your last appt with her so please try not to dwell on that until you know for sure. I hope it will not be your last but from what you have said before I can see why t feels she can't help you as much as you need right now.
When you say you are taking some frustration out on yourself, does this mean you are self harming or drinking again?
I think that its great that you can continue with your psychology classes, its noice to have something to work towards and to have a plan when things are falling apart. Your feelings on sui do sound situational and that is actually good news, believe it or not because it means that they won't always be there and that once you start feeling better they will begin to evaporate.
i do hope you set up your first appt for the dbt group as I think it can only help you, just being with people will help. You deserve to be happy

[Arha]

Your comments about the way you were treated at the place you worked really jarred me. It did seem so unbalanced.

I know you are finished there now, but can you ask to meet with a boss/supervisor to review what you achieved there? It would be a good time to discuss things you had achieved, and might help both of you to put your work into perspective. You could say, "I would have liked to have the opportunity to do <grants/database> work. Do you feel I was not ready for this? What skills do you think I need to work on in order to take on this type of role?"

[Abby]

Does your therapist know about what's been going on for you recently? If not, perhaps you should tell her? Or maybe if she does know, she thought you would find DBT helpful for situations similar to this again?

Your therapist sounds very caring and committed. I'd be honest with her about what you want - if you want to stay with her you can tell her and perhaps you could come to an agreement, but if she still thinks it best you do the DBT first, at least you'll know she understands.

Take care; I hope your session goes well.

[franki_j]

Well I went. I was late; she told me she didn't think I'd show. I was so nervous. We talked, and I told her about my week (how I finished AmeriCorps, etc.) Then she asked if I had looked into treatment options. I told her I had gotten into the DBT study. She told me she thought that would be best for me and that was what I needed. She said that if she knew how to do DBT then she would do it with me, or if I had more money, I could see two therapists: her and a DBT therapist, but because I can't pay for two Ts (I can barely pay for her!), and this study is free, she thinks this is a really good option. She also said that I'll save some money, haha.
She told me that after I'm done with this study, maybe I won't even want to see her again, that maybe I just will want to stick with DBT (yeah right.)
She did say that this isn't good-bye, and that she will see me again in 6 months or a year, depending on what group I'm placed with. She told me to think of it as though I'm going away to grad school and when I come back I will have learned lots of new things. She said "I know you'll miss me," and as I was leaving, she said "I really do want what's best for you, franki."
She also told me to let her know if I want a last session before I start the study and to let her know when I start the study. I don't think I want another session. I wouldn't know what to say. I feel like I've already made peace with everything. I did ask her about her health problems; about what if she's not there in 6 months or a year, but she said that she really doesn't think she'll have to close her practice and she thinks what she has is manageable.
A big part of the reason I decided to do it is for her sake; I feel like I've put her through a lot and I don't even have the money to pay her. I don't feel like it's fair for me to keep coming to see her if I'm still doing the same things.