[tinyrabbit]

My dad used to get very angry. Yelling, breaking stuff, that kind of thing. The way I remember it, I had zero feelings about this. I wasn't scared or upset or anything. I have this memory of going to my bedroom and putting a chair against my door but I thought I was just pretending, I wasn't actually scared.

So I believed I had no feelings about any of this and I didn't question that belief until, a few months ago, I asked my T: "Do you think I was scared and dissociated from my feelings?" and he said yes, without hesitation. I suppose I thought I would know, somehow, if I had feelings and put them away. I assumed it was logical to feel nothing because I must have known he wouldn't do anything really bad. But now I wonder if I did know that.

For some reason this is on my mind now, something somehow jogged my memory to thinking about it. I know nobody can actually tell me as you weren't there, but do you think my T's right and I dissociated? Or do you think it's possible I just wasn't bothered? Sorry, not entirely sure this is the section to post this in but I'm not sure it belongs in the abuse section and people hardly ever reply on there.

Is it possible that a little kid could just not be bothered if a parent is angry and basically having a temper tantrum? I always thought so but now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing. My T told me recently that he thinks I'm minimising how bad it was. I would agree if it was someone else and not me, you know?

[sweepy62]

We were just discussing dissociating in ptsd group my t says that we dissociate because its safe and easy then we do it so much that it becomes a normal pathway in our brain an when we are scared we just automatically dissociate without knowing it because we go where it's safe

[healed84]

Many children dissociate when something is going on around them that seems scary, or not right. It is a coping mechanism. So, sure it is possible that, it did happen. When, I talked to my T about my lack of emotions towards the rape that happened to me, and lack of emotional response from myself when it happened to me at 10 years old, it said it was b/c I dissociated and was not in touch with my body during the trauma as a way to keep me safe.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Speaking from personal experience, I think it was a kind of dissociation, but not the same kind I deal with now. I mean, for me...when my Dad got like that or my parents fought and I went in my room and shut the door...I was still present, I just pretended that the world outside my room didn't exist. Not like what happens now, where the whole world feels like it shifts or goes foggy.

For me, it was more like I just shut down. I pushed all the scared feelings away because I knew it wouldn't make a difference. I took care of my brother, or I went and read a book, or I just disappeared from everyone else's sight for a while. I don't ever remember (except for the very first time) thinking Mom and Dad are fighting, this is scary, I'm going to my room. Or Dad just punched a hole in the wall, I'm frightened. I just remember not wanting to be wherever the fighting was, so I'd go in my room and shut the door and read or play and pretend that there wasn't anything else going on.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for your replies. The thing is, sometimes I know I'm dissociating, like when sometimes I'll feel like I've gone into my head and stopped feeling my body, then I go back into my body again. I know I do dissociate in various ways. But I didn't have any awareness of doing so. Just had no feelings.

It's not normal to just have no feelings though is it?

[healed84]

No, its not normal.. but that just means the dissociating did its job. In order to cope in the situation you were in, you learned to detach yourself from it. That is what I am working on when it comes to my trauma.. Dissociation served me well for a amount of time. Now that I am in a place to be able to process those feelings, the emotions come out more and more. You have to learn to feel those types of things.

i thought i had no feelings about the violence and fighting in my house until i had a ptsd response to a situation that felt very similar with someone being mad ....and i instantly felt like i did as a child even though i have little self memory of fighgting just what siblings tell me..
Do u have triggered responses to similar situations?

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by healed84

No, its not normal.. but that just means the dissociating did its job. In order to cope in the situation you were in, you learned to detach yourself from it.

That makes sense. I just never questioned it really, I guess because nobody else seemed concerned about my feelings at the time (sorry, don't mean to sound self pitying).

Originally Posted by Readytostop

i thought i had no feelings about the violence and fighting in my house until i had a ptsd response to a situation that felt very similar with someone being mad ....and i instantly felt like i did as a child even though i have little self memory of fighgting just what siblings tell me..
Do u have triggered responses to similar situations?

I didn't used to have triggered responses to similar situations - until recently. Now I find it hugely triggering when people get angry on TV. I can't watch, I have to turn it off. Not sure about in real life as I haven't had the chance to find out, happily.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

It's not normal to just have no feelings though is it?

I would say it is normal for me not have them. The therapist has tried to insist I do (or did) have them - but if so I truly don't remember and don't have them now. I am not lying - I just don't have them.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would say it is normal for me not have them. The therapist has tried to insist I do (or did) have them - but if so I truly don't remember and don't have them now. I am not lying - I just don't have them.

Not having them is the same as being dissociated from them isn't it? One could say being dissociated is "normal" for you I suppose.

[ultramar]

I think this merits a lot of exploration. It involves a relationship -with your father- that of course has spanned many many years and will take some time to figure out. Maybe the 'label' of dissociating or not is less important than exploring the circumstances of the time, how you reacted and felt across different experiences and situations. Maybe, for example, there were times when you did have feelings about these things, other times you didn't, and in between -it's naturally very complicated and will take some time to explore.

I'm sorry you're feeling triggered now by anger (TV, etc.) when you weren't before. Likely because you've been thinking about this lately. Hopefully as you explore it more in therapy, that fear will dissipate.

[0w6c379]

I'm not familiar with the psychological terms used here on PC at all. Is disassociation a form of denial? IDK.

It's good to see a different kind of post here. Who has time to look at all the different threads?

PS: Your post reminded me, I never had a door to close.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by ultramar

[SIZE=4]I think this merits a lot of exploration. It involves a relationship -with your father- that of course has spanned many many years and will take some time to figure out. Maybe the 'label' of dissociating or not is less important than exploring the circumstances of the time, how you reacted and felt across different experiences and situations. Maybe, for example, there were times when you did have feelings about these things, other times you didn't, and in between -it's naturally very complicated and will take some time to explore.

Thanks ultramar. As we've discussed elsewhere that relationship is a complex one to say the least. The thing that's on my mind right now is just the fact that I never questioned my belief that I felt nothing until recently, and now it seems kind of absurd.

Originally Posted by Michelle25

I'm not familiar with the psychological terms used here on PC at all. Is disassociation a form of denial?

It means separating - dis-associating - eg from feelings, physical sensations or memories. So it is kind of a form of denial - because your mind is hiding stuff from you.

Originally Posted by Michelle25

PS: Your post reminded me, I never had a door to close.

I'm sorry to hear that. The whole bedroom door/privacy issue is a complicated one for me because the airing/linen cupboard was in my room and my parents expected to come in any time to get to it. I was not allowed to put restrictions on this and they used to knock but would immediately walk in so my privacy was kind of... incomplete.

[Sabra]

.Good evening,

For some reason this is on my mind now, something somehow jogged my memory to thinking about it. I know nobody can actually tell me as you weren't there, but do you think my T's right and I dissociated? Or do you think it's possible I just wasn't bothered? Sorry, not entirely sure this is the section to post this in but I'm not sure it belongs in the abuse section and people hardly ever reply on there.

The quote above is from your first post.

I didn't used to have triggered responses to similar situations - until recently. Now I find it hugely triggering when people get angry on TV. I can't watch, I have to turn it off. Not sure about in real life as I haven't had the chance to find out, happily.

This is from your third post. If, as an adult, you can't tolerate someone who is angry on TV, I agree with your T. You split the frightening behavior of your father and your feelings. Children get overwhelmed when a parent is screaming and having a fit bkz you can't get away from it physically, nor can you stop it.... survival is the goal. My guess is you will be bumping into those feelings as you progress in therapy.

Regards,

Sabra

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Thanks for your replies. The thing is, sometimes I know I'm dissociating, like when sometimes I'll feel like I've gone into my head and stopped feeling my body, then I go back into my body again. I know I do dissociate in various ways. But I didn't have any awareness of doing so. Just had no feelings.

It's not normal to just have no feelings though is it?

Sometimes we don't know when we are dissociating, like when we suddenly arrive at our destination without a clear memory of the last bit of the drive there. Or we might not know when it begins, like a daydream.

I think it would be more unusual to be a kid and having all that anger and scariness going on all around and not feeling frightened. But if the adults attention was not available, there would be no one to go to with the fear, so dissociating becomes a way of self-soothing, as best as can be had under the circumstances.

[tinyrabbit]

I've realised something. I asked myself why I would have no feelings, why would that make sense? My answers: because it wasn't that bad, because I wasn't scared, I had no reason to be scared and I knew nothing really bad would happen.

I realised that doesn't sound like a child's perspective, but an adult's - perhaps imposed on me by my parents leaving no room for my feelings, hence the dissociation. Huh.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I'm sorry to hear that. The whole bedroom door/privacy issue is a complicated one for me because the airing/linen cupboard was in my room and my parents expected to come in any time to get to it. I was not allowed to put restrictions on this and they used to knock but would immediately walk in so my privacy was kind of... incomplete.

My bedroom had like... a plastic door thing that anyone and anything could walk through at any time; there was no privacy as you could NOT make the door stay closed. Also - my bedroom was used for daycare, so even at age 15 it still looked like I was 5 years old as my shelves were full of my old toys and daycare toys (the same was true for my brother's room.) So zero privacy. And the shower was in my parents bedroom and not in the bathroom (really small and old house), and it ALSO had one of those doors. My parents would walk it at any time while you were taking a shower to get something from their room - or little daycare kids would wander in, and who knows what. Even the actual bathroom - the only room with a door, had a latch-hook. That if someone else REALLY wanted in, they just needed a pen to unlatch it. I used to hide in there from my younger brother and lean against the door to keep him out. I forgot about doing that until just now actually. Probably why I value my privacy so much now.

[Marsdotter]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I've realised something. I asked myself why I would have no feelings, why would that make sense? My answers: because it wasn't that bad, because I wasn't scared, I had no reason to be scared and I knew nothing really bad would happen.

I realised that doesn't sound like a child's perspective, but an adult's - perhaps imposed on me by my parents leaving no room for my feelings, hence the dissociation. Huh.

That seems like a good insight.

I personally find it hard sometimes to really remember what it's like to be a child or identify with their non-adult capacities and feelings, and tend to insert what I would think/feel now on my child self.

One of my therapists told me once to just sit and watch young children for awhile sometime to get a better sense of what they are (aren't) capable of at that age.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I've realised something. I asked myself why I would have no feelings, why would that make sense? My answers: because it wasn't that bad, because I wasn't scared, I had no reason to be scared and I knew nothing really bad would happen.

I realised that doesn't sound like a child's perspective, but an adult's - perhaps imposed on me by my parents leaving no room for my feelings, hence the dissociation. Huh.

But maybe it's not so black and white: either it wasn't so bad, or it was, so dissociated. These things are so, super complicated. Your truth is going to be entirely unique to you, not an imposed bad/not so bad dichotomy from your adult self trying to find something concrete and tangible that may prove elusive. Keep an open mind --maybe the exploration itself is as important a part of the journey and healing as anything else

[Favorite Jeans]

Kids in general have a more casual relationship with reality than adults. They flip into dream worlds and imaginary scenarios easily and frequently and sometimes they aren't conscious of the difference between real and not real. On the one hand dissociate seems like a heavy word for something common not necessarily associated with trauma. On the other the intensity of your reaction to anger now suggests that you were very frightened and upset.