Believing what t says

I have great difficulty with believing compliments that t says and compliments in general. I never believe anything good but if someone said something bad I would go into my room and cry for days.
I don't believe t because I think well How do I know she hasn't said that to all of her other clients today? She is just saying that to make me feel better, that is just a downright lie, yada, yada.

I always think so badly of myself but I don't know how to change this, after three years of therapy, surely I should know how to love myself and accept a compliment about myself and accept that maybe, just maybe somebody just might like me.
Does anyone else relate to this or struggle with it or am I being totally irrational?

Awww. (((MonaLisaSmile))) Well, from what I can tell, you are a wonderful person =] I'm sorry that you're missing out on those wonderful compliments =] T and I have not been together nearly as long, but I told her the first time how her compliment made me uneasy. She asked me why, but then refused to take it back, lol. Most recently, we were having a great conversation and then she started to lay on the compliments and it was a total roll-my-eyes, okay let's just end the conversation now before you ruin it again moment. She knew when the convo had turned and we chatted and I told her that its possible she was just "trained" to say that. She went into this long spill on how she was a genuine and honest person, yada yada (slight attitude in there lol) - but the point is. Even if we don't always believe it, it doesn't mean that that is not how THEY feel about us or how they see us in their eyes. It's more of a reflection on how we feel about ourselves. Until that changes, its will continue to be hard to accept such nice statements but that does not make you or your struggle irrational in any way.

Sometimes it is just about saying thank you when you are complimented. You don't have to believe it.

I used to be the same as you mona, i'd find compliments very uncomfortable and unbelievable. But the more i just said thank you, and no self-deprecating comments eventually those voices of discomfort at compliments quietened. I still don't necessarily believe the good things but i believe the person giving the compliment believes them and that is enough for me.
People like to give compliments, it's a nice moment of bonding or respect.

Sorry you struggle with this too Tea
Why do you think her compliments make you so uneasy?
I wish it was easier for us to just believe them and not question their judgement, they are trained in human behaviour so I guess if they give a comliment it menas more but I still can't believe it

Thank Asia, that is a lovely way to look at it, thank you for the different spin on things as always.

It's okay, I've heard it from people all the time that I don't know how to accept a compliment, i'm used to just turning it into a joke. I think it makes me uneasy mainly because I don't believe it. If someone tells me that i'm a kind hearted person because I happen to be doing something nice, I immediately go back to thinking about the last two or three hateful things I've done. Thus negating their statements. It's more of a "...well if you really knew me..." type thing.

What about you? What makes you feel that T is unbelievable when they offer these kind words? Do you trust them enough to think they would not lie to you?

I do trust t but I don't want to believe her I think. I would rather hold onto the bad stuff about myself and similarly to you, I think of all the bad things people have said or I have done and I CHOOSE to believe them.
T always says I am lovely but I always find some reason to challenge her belief. When I say bad things about myself she has a physical reaction to it where she says she wants to purge and then I feel worse for making her feel like that. Aghhhh, I wish we could just take the compliment and run.

Really? Purge? Lol, thats different. Yeah, i'd feel a little awkward/guilty about that too lol. But in a away that just goes to show you how deeply she feels you deserve the kind things she says. Sometimes I take the compliment and run, but honestly it just goes in one ear and out the other, because usually if i'm taking it its because i'm tired of arguing over it. Doesn't make it more believable.

I understand the choice not to believe her. Really, its your natural thought pattern. It's more comfortable believing what you always have than trying to completely unteach yourself what you've spent so long learning. Smh. Sad that thats how things are, but I honestly do believe that over time it can change. =] And time is subjective, so trust me 3 years is nothing compared to how ever many years of experience you have in life

I read this and I got a very nice, peaceful feeling. NO trying to analyze it, or argue with it, or see if I believe it, or don't believe it, or am curious/suspicious about motives, or anything. Just a nice, peaceful feeing. Such a contrast!!!

You are so right
It is rewiring our brains and dismantling all the negative wires and replacing with positive ones(or something like that lol)
Agreed, lovely post

Yeah, that's me.
Although I think I've made some progress lately regarding accepting and believing compliments, at least from T. If I can do this, you can as well.

I could of written this myself mona word for word, It is exactly how I feel.
Sometimes I feel that I don't even deserve the help from my T.

Someone I really respect and look up to told me exactly this - that even if I don't believe a compliment, I should try to understand that the most likely possibility is that it was genuinely meant and just say thank you instead of arguing against it. It's not easy for me to this day but it does make me think instead of my usual knee jerk reaction to deny anything good about myself.

]

It's beautiful that your T gives you compliments. I presume some of them were offered to boost your morale, lift your spirits and were said freely. In your case, I would believe your T. Sit back and relish in the compliments. Maybe even write them down so you have a record of all the nice things she says about you. I think whether or not a compliment will be accepted or believed has a lot to do with who is giving it. It may make a difference if your T is of the opposite sex as to whether or not they give you a compliment IDK. Could get sticky for some T's. If they suspect transference going on, forget about compliments. Guess you can't blame them on that count.

I could have written the same thing. Just last week i told my T she says all those nice things because she's a T :/

well How do I know she hasn't said that to all of her other clients today? She is just saying that to make me feel better, that is just a downright lie, yada, yada.

I too struggle with compliments and tend to 'poo poo' them away.

I often think if my therapist says something complimentary to me it's because he has to, as in it's therapeutic and it's not coming from an authentic place. I also imagine he says nice things to all clients, so I'm just another drop in the bucket.

I also know this is all part of my very distorted thinking patterns.

You're not being irrational. There's a mean voice in your head that won't let you believe nice things.

I have learned that my T doesn't ever say anything he doesn't mean. We had a huge rupture a while back as I wanted him to say he was wrong when he didn't feel he was. He told me there was no way he could say something he didn't mean.

And every time I stop and question something he says, I'm glad he stood firm on that. I know my T as someone who only says things he means, so I've started to believe the things he tells me. I figure his perception is just wrong is all...

I have got better at accepting compliments in life generally by thanking people for them and accepting them whether or not I agree. What helped was shifting my mentality from "I don't agree, therefore this person is wrong" to "I don't agree, therefore this person has a different opinion".

For me, it came down to how T presents herself to me. I have to believe me and whether I "like" T and want T to help me. If T is a liar or just sucking up to me for some reason (why?) then I don't want to be in that relationship? If T is shallow or just in it for the money, etc., I don't want to be in that relationship. So, what do I know about T and the relationship? I want to be there because I like T. Why do I like T?

My T was calm, quiet, soft spoken, gentle, etc. and I was anxious and bouncing off the walls in my anxiety :-) I thought the sky was falling most of the time. So, if the sky IS falling, then my T must be crazy to be so calm and quiet? My T could not exist if the sky is falling so I had to decide which to believe; my perceptions of T and the work we were doing together or my feeling that the sky is falling. I went with T and started accepting what she had to say on faith until I could see it for myself. I kept looking for what she maintained I would be able to see and, guess what, I was able to grow and see it.

This right here....is very wise thinking. I love to see the things you post and the way you think tinyrabbit.

I have the exact same problem with my T and actually everyone else in my life.

Glad if it helped.

Strange how we don't trust our own opinions - except when they're self-destructive, then suddenly we do.

I definitely don't believe in compliments that I'm given - there's a few areas where I will believe it, but not many. I have learned how to just say "thank you" and refrain from explain why I disagree (for the most part anyway!).

Sometimes I'm convinced that they don't actually mean it, other times I accept that it's truly their opinion. Either way, it was said with the intention to make me feel good and I appreciate that effort, so I can feel good about that at least!