Having Problems With T

I'm confused. You aren't sure about how emails fit into the T job, but you are sure that the client isn't paying attention to her part of the relationship?

hi swimmy .I don't post here often as I don't feel I have anything to offer but I am going to try here because I can relate some to the e-mail thing.
I am glad you survived your T vacation and great job especially if it has been so long sense you have been without T. that can be hard. I believe she should have asked you how things went during her vacation .strange that she didn't .did you offer the information if it was something you wanted to talk to her about? this is your T .if you are going to let her lead with what she wants to bring up it may not ever be what you want to talk about.

i agree that your T was not very clear with her no e-mail during vacation boundary. but it seems that you were less than honest with her about them and she took you at your word. of course your e-mails were important to you .otherwise you would not have sent them. your T didn't read them. when in her office and during your session she did ask you about them and you choose not to deal with them right then. i agree that if it was close to the end of the session and you felt you didn't have time to process them it might have been a great decision to wait . this isn't what you said to your T, you told her you didn't remember what you said in them.i might take this as you not feeling it was all that important . it seems you were looking for a specific response from your T. a test of sorts. one that she obviously failed . it seemed her asking about them showed that she had some interest in what you had to say ,or what was going on when you sent them. it seems she just took you for your word. maybe if you had just said i don't think there is time to process this before the end of session, i am not ready to deal with it yet, or maybe can i bring in a copy of them next time and we can talk about them. in my history of T expecting to get a particular response from a T never comes out well. i swear that they just know and do the exact opposite in hopes that we will just ask directly for what we need . any time i have just asked my T directly for what i need she has happily done whatever she can to provide me with what i need (not that i am able to figure it out all the easy) although it would be nice if she could just do it all without asking .
all that said .i know it must be so hard and still heartbreaking to not have the T that you were so close to be there. i still don't understand what went on there but i am sure people have you best interests at heart .it still sounds so painful for you. it sounds like you are needing validation that this new T is a bad T and is making all these mistakes and so on. i see her as one of these T who are more comfortable with keeping T within the session ,very tight boundaries. i don't see this as making her a bad T.i don't know how you are with loose boundaries and if this caused the problems with your last T and you just cant see it or if you are ok with them. but what i have seen none of this makes your T bad but maybe just not a good fit for you . maybe talk to your parents about finding a new one.
sorry things are still so hard for you.

Syra ..just leave it. This thread isn´t about me, I just responded to it. I didn´t make myself very clear. I do like how 1914Sierra+ Hankster phrased it, however.

chris i was typing as you were posting .good points way better said

Depends on the T. Some aren't very good.

Certainly, honest is helpful for a good, therapeutic relationship. I just no longer assume that all Ts are good, or even competent, and even good Ts make mistakes. I also recognize that some people aren't able to be honest with some of their feelings at all times - that's why they are in therapy. If a client was able to act healthy all the time,they wouldn't need to be in therapy!!

I don´t know, to me, that therapist sounds horrible. Sorry, but she would make me feel really bad and not at all enthusiastic about being open and sharing anything personal.

I would quit her, too, no question.

Seems like you need someone a little more compassionate and friendly

I've been reading the back story, as you say.

I'll stick with my original opinion on the OP as it seems best. Yes, I think I shall.

Miswimmy, it sure sounds like a very upsetting situation, and I'd definitely feel uneasy about her response to the emails she received while on vacation as it indicates that she doesn't have a clear sense of maintaining healthy boundaries.

However, my thoughts are along the lines of what Chris and Granite posted. If the emails were important to you, it would be your responsibility to tell T that you wanted her to read them or that you wanted to talk about the topics in your session. By saying that you didn't remember what they were about, she basically heard that they were no longer applicable.

Can you see how you may be contributing to the situation - even working towards creating tension - by not being clear and direct with what you need? I understand that many times we don't know what our needs are or are in need of help with working towards getting our needs met. But, outright saying something that conflicts with how you're feeling is only hurting you.

I hope you can work towards being open and honest with your T about what you're feeling - and open to learning from your actions as well.

I can't argue with that point. True, some aren't very good at all. It's just a matter, to me, of telling them if you feel they aren't a good fit, that they aren't a good fit. I have no trouble whatever in firing a doctor, no matter their specialty. But then, I've been doing this a long time.

I simply see no reason to pay to verbally dance with anyone.

I think I agree with your basic statement, but disagree in process. It sounds like it's just a matter of making a decision, and it's not that easy for me. Miswimmy might not have very many choices, so it's either this T or no one. And if even if she has chocies, finding a new T is often a diffcult task - and particularly difficult if I am feeling hurt by therapy.

I guess I struggle more than you with firing a doctorT - most of the time it's not black and white for me. they do some things well, other things not so well, and I don't know if I'll find something better by going elsewhere.

I imagine trying to work it out wtih the T is another option, and that can be very hard sometimes. Not all Ts are aware of their triggers. But in the meantime, while trying to work it out, I imagine most clients will have lots of conflicting, and some very negative, feelings.

I don't doubt that 'working it out' will take time and be more than difficult, but I'm sure we can both agree that without honesty from the client, the therapist certainly couldn't know the path to take in getting to the root of the problem the client actually has.

Having your chain yanked by a client lying to you outright just isn't doing anyone any good. I don't think I'd ever choose that route simply because I'm paying the bill. Therefore, I'd not have had this problem.

Perhaps that is the best advice we can all pass on by this thread - it's simply a waste of your money and your therapist's time to outright lie to your therapist about what you need.

[QUOTE]
I don't agree. Sometimes I don't know myself well enough. Sometimes I'm afraid. I don't think the therapist needs to decide on the path for the client. I think the T follows the client on their path. Looks like we have two different ideas for how T should work.

I don't think I can agree with that. I think things are much more complicated, and people take many paths. I don't thnk my T would feel that he was having his chain yanked if I lied to him. Maybe if I lied to him about something personal to him. LIke I'm broke so he gives me a break on the price only to learn I just inherited money or something. But lying about my life? I don't think so. He'd want to explore why. What was going on with me. What was I afraid of. he might sense I wasn't being forthcoming. But he'd go with me, and help me feel comfortable.

I think if a T has a chain yanked by a client not being forthcoming, even "lying" about oneself, is probably not a very good T. Clients do it all the time, for all kinds of reasons - usually related to why they are going to therapy in the first place. It takes time to develop the trust to be honest.

I suppose in a sense when Miswimmy said it wasn't important, when it was, it could be called "lying." I wouldn't characterize it that way. I think she got put on the psot for something she wasn't ready for. I'm not necessarily blaming T, I'm just saying communication isn't always clean and neat.

Perhaps, but perhaps not. I imagine I agree with you in the long run. I think sometimes it takes a while and is a complicated process, and judgments about what is a waste of someone's else's time is presumptive. There's always more to the story that we don't know, and sometimes people have to be able to make mistakes without judgment, to learn what is right for them.

Syra..if you have issues with your own T or past T´s, why not make your own thread about it? It seems like there´s some misplaced anger going on here.

Hi,Missimmy
I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. My T has similar boundaries it seems. I know that it can be really hard when it is such a one way street. I think the difference though is my T wouldn't just come right out and say " you shouldn't know anything about your therapist, you know too much already". That feels a little harsh or cold to me. When I have asked my T questions that she wasn't going to answer she would respond " well, you can ask" and said so in a gentle voice. Just feels like your T is rather abrupt and I'm not so sure how that can be helpful in therapy.

There are lots of reasons I don't want to start a thread about it, but I imagine you think that I somehow brought in my experience inappropriately, and I'm curious about that. Perhaps I did do that, but I'm not sure where or how.

I'm also wondering if you are upset with my postings, and wishing I would go elsewhere/to a different thread? maybe not?

I'm curious what you thnk is the misplaced anger?

[quote=Syra;3237946]

There are lots of reasons I don't want to start a thread about it, but I imagine you think that I somehow brought in my experience inappropriately, and I'm curious about that. Perhaps I did do that, but I'm not sure where or how.

I'm also wondering if you are upset with my postings, and wishing I would go elsewhere/to a different thread? maybe not?

I'm curious what you thnk is the misplaced anger?[/quote

Again the is NOT your thread or mine

This is the second time you have posted, I've asked you questions to follow up on what you said, and you advised me this isn't my thread. You are right, but I am confused. I was responding to your questions to me about the subject of this thread. Perhaps I misunderstood you, you didn't intend them as questions.

[QUOTE=Littlemeinside;3237983]So why ask the question of Syra and then divert her questions back to you when you just made it about her? You can't say "not your thread or mine!" after doing that...it just doesn't work.
And I don't see Syra as having misplaced anger at all. She is simply responding to posts, which we all have a right to do, with our own opinion.

All we have in therapy is our words. One cannot count on another person responding the way we would like or how we think they should respond. If you shrug and say you don't know, then she has to take you at your word, that you don't really care and you don't remember what they were about? If you wanted to eventually discuss them but not now, you have to say that, make that clear.

It sounds like your T is being straightforward and you are wishing for an undercurrent, some "romance" to the conversation. It is alright to want that but one has to make it clear to the other person what you want or each party will be forever missing the other's location, expecting them somewhere else.

So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky
~Pippin

I'm sorry, I'm a bit spaced out and haven't managed to read the whole thread, but I can see how what your T said would have hurt you. I don't think she meant it that way, but I can understand how you might feel shamed or rejected. I think it's really important to talk to her about how you feel.

I think Perna nails this one. Both of you seem to have missed the boat a little. You sent mixed signals about your need to have her read your emails, and she was a little cavalier about your vulnerability to feeling uncared for. It happens.

One of the best parts of therapy is that it allows us to "practice" relationship with someone safe. The core of relationship is communication, and this is a good time to practice being strong by being vulnerable: speak what is true for you, how you feel. Give her the chance to respond to a clearly stated need.