What to do if therapist crossed the line sexually?

My therapist and I have been working together for 3 years. He is attracted to me as I am to him. He gets very angry at me and abuses me verbally. He crossed the line sexually with me but I declined his offer. I love him and don't want to get him in trouble. He tried to terminate with me and I said no. Now he is setting all these boundaries and wants to raise my fee and knows I can't afford it. He wants me to sign a contract now so I don't do anything wrong to him and I stay in line. How crazy is this? Could someone offer me some advise please on how to handle this situation. I'm starting to get really pissed because I feel taken advantage of..........

Sounds to me like the best thing to do is to terminate...

Terminate and seek legal assistance.
OMG this is bad. I am so sorry.

Have to agree. Best to leave and not look back. It sounds like he may be trying to restore a balance with tightening the boundaries, but the contract thing sounds like it's to cover himself. And raising your fee as a way to avoid terminating you and risking retaliation. I strongly suspect he's not sought out any supervision about handling this situation and that makes him untrustworthy and potentially damaging to you going forward. At the very least, any hope of therapeutic progress ended when he crossed the line.

If you don't feel up to seeking legal redress, at least think about reporting him to whatever professional organization governs his accountability. If he's a psychologist, your state board would be applicable. You can usually find them through your state gov't web-site.

I agree with everything feralkitty said above. It sounds very questionable to me.

On the other hand, I can see that you have some emotional attachment to him, and that's normal given your circumstance. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I would start thinking about what would help you make it easier to terminate. Would it help you to line up another therapist so that as soon as you terminate, you have someone to process it all with and there is no gap where you are trying to find another one?

Hi LeeLoo,
You and your therapist find yourselves in an uncomfortable zone. Using sexual attraction as a rough stand-in for creativity, something creative may be seeking expression that each of you can contribute to. John Haule's The Love Cure touches on this taboo area with great wit and sensitivity—jrhaule.net

Part of Haule's message is that humans generate "ethics" and "norms" to help ourselves anticipate possible situations and build pre-set rules for how we expect ourselves to act. These rules can be examined and questioned without necessarily doing the acts they seek to prevent.

In my own life I remind myself that when under stress I have several options: flee, fight, freeze ... or create. Creativity in your context is up for you to discover. Remember, you can also propose terms and conditions. Some ideas: look up the rules in his professional code of ethics in this area and add those to the conversation; suggest that both of you see a third therapist to discuss what happened and how to prevent it from happening again (and propose he pays), ask for a refund for the session when he transgressed the line, find an article on this topic that you both read and discuss (no fee for that session), etc.

He's seems nervous because he knows he's done something "bad." Yet, you should not have to "pay" for his breech of ethics. One signal to watch for is his apologizing and setting limits on himself (seeking supervision, respecting the ethical code, etc.). As he is able to do that you might consider continuing as before (no reporting, same fees, no 'boundaries' put on you). Or you may still find it time to terminate.

Revu2

If his crossed the line sexually and is verbally abuse ...Hmm let me think...... GET away from him and don´t sign a contract, what are you waiting for? This is not love this is abuse, to some that may look the same... IT´S not and it never will be. He gave you an opportunity to leave. Use it..

Normally those caught in abuse are unaware it's abuse and are trapped. You have already labelled the abuse. I find it hard to believe you are trapped. Perhaps reaction is what your Looking for more than support.

Sack him and find another T.

Trust Your Gut.

Listen To Your Inner Voice.

Take Care Of Yourself.



ps. While you're at it, find a new therapist and get the heck away from this one!

Your stronger than me. I would have taken him up on his advances. That is how bad I am in with loose boundries and wanting more attention.

BTW he is not crazy for wanting you to sign a contract. You refused to terminate so there you go... DON´T sign it! Just leave and have some integrity

DON'T SIGN A DAMN THING!

Apart from the letter reporting him to the licensed board.

It's time to find a new therapist.

How do you feel about all this? Just pissed? Don't you feel offended as an individual?

It sounds like you have great toleration for abuse, have you been there before?
If you do and your T knows, then he's not just a bad T, but a mean person as well, for treating you this way and retraumatizing you.

I know that having feelings for him may blur your vision, but it's obvious that you are aware of how inappropriate(to say the least) his behaviour is.

The rational thing to do is leave him and seek help from another T. You may find that idea scary if you're attached to him, but I really hope you gather up the courage to do it. For your own mental health's sake.

Please take care of yourself. We're always here if you need to talk.

Abuse isn't therapy.

This guy seems like a predator. Run away now before it gets worse.

I would find a supportive female therapist in another part of town and then work my way out of the relationship. Your love cannot be reciprocated in this situation or by this man (based on his actions you have mentioned here). Get yourself supported and free from this man emotionally and then decide what you want to do about his abuses.

How come you don't want to terminate?

I so get the feeling of not wanting to leave him. I was with a T with totally confusing boundaries - up one day, down the next. No sex, but she emotionally I felt seduced and and then put on a shelf, and ultimately discarded. I had a REALLY REALLY hard time leaving, and not sure how long it would have taken me if she hadn't made the decision. But it was the best thing under the circumstances as she wasn't dealing with her side of the issue and it was bad for me.
I know it can be so hard to leave, but it sounds like your relationship with him has become working that out, and not your therapeutic issues.
I'm glad you are feeling pissed. It sounds like something wrong is going on and that should make you angry. You aren't paying him for this kind of stuff. But it all gets so blurred once you (me) are inside.

LeeLoo- It was suggested you were looking for a reaction and not support. I suppose it's possible, but nothing you have said makes me think you want a reaction - other than what you asked for in your OP. It sounds to me like you are confused. You really really want to stay connected to this T for emotional reasons, you have a hard time thinking about leaving, and you don't like the abuse, and things seem "not right." I know how hard it can be to break an emotional tie, even when that tie is confusing and hurtful. I know women with independent means that don't leave. and I know others that leave, but not right away. It's a process to get ready to leave after the abuse has been identified. And leaving an abusive T has the problem of finding a new T, as you still have all the issues you were in T for, plus these issues.

[I] It was my life for 13 years. Classic narcissism, but so very flattering. You know that it will crash and burn, I did. Pick up the pieces and recover now, please, before it intensifies further. He is doing everything he can to push you away, recognize the flags before you waste anymore of your time and well-being. I am a wreck now, and I am no longer young. You are- spare yourself the esteem-eroding drama.

I hear your kindness and caring toward LeeLoo and I can feel the pain you speak of that motivates your words for LeeLoo. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I admire your willingness to visit that pain for the benefit of others. I hope you have had opportunities to work on dealing with your pain

BTW - if you have signed something, you might want to renounce it, in writing. You can always sign it later if it's advisable. If a lawyer isn't feasible for a consult on the paper, I imagine a clergy-person could handle this one. They often will help out even if the person isn't a member of the congregation.