[Jennifer1084]

I am going to be writing a letter to a friend. She has not talked to me for almost 6 weeks now and hasn't since I was in the hospital last time. She didn't answer her door when I went over to her house and this had a part in my hospitalization.
Anyway, I am going to be writing her a letter, like I said. I am just very scared to do this and am scared I won't be safe, might cause to much stress, etc. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do to write this letter? I am planning on sending it to her, my T said this is ok to do. I'm going to write a first letter and ask her if she wants to be my friend or not (for closure), If I don't hear anything from her, I will then write a second letter saying good-bye to her, as I can't go on like this. It's tearing me apart not knowing if she's my friend or not. This makes it even more difficult because she is my only friend irl and we use to be really close, talking almost everyday.
Any suggestions or anything would really help.

Jennifer

[FaithisAlive]

I think once you get started writing it, the right words will come... just speak from your heart... if she was truly a friend before, she will be again...and if not, you will find someone who can be your friend...

Try not to worry...everything will be fine...Peace...

Have no advice with the letter writing but before you do write and send that letter make sure you have plenty of support, grounding tools and so on. Like before you are in control of if you end up in the hospital or not. her reaction to the letter be it not answering it, letting some time go by before answering it,, writing right back to you, calling you after a bit, calling right away or come visit you later or right away. Nothing she does controls or reflects on you. She may be the type of person that cannot handle having a mentally ill friend or a friend who lands in the hospital or a friend who is solely dependant on her. People have things going on in their own lives. I have a friend who cannot write back to me alot. thats not a reflection on me its that in her personal life she has a family to raise and tours the country from time to time. I have a friend here locally who cannot have me solely depending on her. that isn't a reflection on me. Its that the type of job she has is emotionally draining and she is also a single parent raising a challenging child that requires alot of supervision and attention. I have another friend locally who told me she could not be on my mental health safety plan that DHS asked me to write up. It wasn't a reflection on me that she cant be one of my contacts when I am in crisis. its the fact that she works for a DHS office and it would be a conflict of interest if her name appeared on my papers and DHS file and also if I ended up in the hospital ER and she was called it also would not look good my having a friend in the DHS office when I have a child in foster care going through residential treatment facilities. I have another friend that says If you attempt suicide one more time I have to close our friendship door because your actions do not help my problems they make them worse and I can only take care of me right now. I can't worry about waking up tomorrow to a phone call saying you are dead. Its not a reflection on me as a friend its that this friend lost someone real close to her to suicide and losing another person will literally take her over the edge. she has to put herself first for her own sanity.

If this friend contacts you and says no to friendship its because they have things going on in their own lives that conflicts with what you need from her. It does not mean you are a bad person and is a reason to land in the hospital. if that no comes she is not telling you to hurt yourself, kill yourself and so on. only you can control your reactions, only you make your decisions. If you land in the hospital its no reflection on her in fact she probably will not know you land in the hospital after telling you no friendship if that is what she decides.

All she is telling you if she says no friendship is that due to her own life she can not be there for you. Her decision to end the friendship is no reflection on you just like your decisions of self harm and hospitalization are no reflection on her. Her decisions are based on her needs and what she can handle and your decisions are based on your needs and what you can handle.

Good luck.and hang in there.

[Dezdemona]

Hey Jennifer. I've done this a few times now, only I did not send any of mine. I wonder if you write one letter, in which you write anything you want to say to your friend. Then write another in which you may take out stuff that may seem too harsh...It might work.

Just go with your heart. Sorry to sound like a cliche. However, when you sit down to write this letter, be sure you have some time and space for yourself. Unplug the phone, lock the door...whatever, so you know that noone will bother you.

I hope this helps!

--Dez

[Bethsway]

I think writing things down helps alot...whether you send the letter or not...just putting it on paper helps...just be open and honest in the letter and then once it is done...read it over and decide if you need to make any changes that seems too harsh...but let it flow the first draft...good luck and let us know how it turns out!!

[(JD)]

First, I commend your self advocating. Now, write a letter that says everything you REALLY want to say (or think you want to) and don't mince the words or feelings. Don't send that letter! lol Now, that the emotions are acknowledged, write a letter to her in all sincerity, if you still feel it's necessary. Try not to use "you" statements anywhere, but the "I" statements. Tell her your assessment of the relationship and what you wish/want. Tell her how you feel and what you can do and what you cannot do...what you don't want to have to do etc. If you expect a response, make it clear that you do, and in what form the response needs to be (yes-no?) Good wishes.

I am in the same boat with a friend who now lives in another state so we only keep contact by e-mail. I wrote to her about my recent overdose & she has not responded to me. I'm wondering if she thinks bad of me, doesn't know what to say or doesn't want to have a crazy friend. I'm just remaining silent & regretting telling her about it. I don't have many friends, either.--Suzy

[Perna]

I would think about your friend as you write, rather than your own pain. Your friend might be in pain too. Sometimes things are too hard for us, I had a hard time visiting my father in the hospital and my stepmother in the assisted living center, etc. Maybe your friend had a hard time because of something in her past with your not doing well and going to hospital; maybe she fears for herself. I would concentrate in the letter on her and trying to make her "comfortable" with you and the friendship again (if you want to keep up the friendship). I'd be a little lighthearted, suggest meeting somewhere neutral as if you're just meeting again.

What your friend did (do you know for sure she was home and heard you knock (did you knock? I got into a sad time with a friend for a year because her doorbell was broken) when you went to visit) was painful for you but if you concentrate on that you don't "understand" rather than how you are hurt, it might help both you and her get together. She could be feeling very guilty that she wasn't there to help you when you were in the hospital. Telling her how much you were/are hurt will only make her feel more guilt and the only thing she can do about that is stay away from you and thinking about you. What happened in the past is in the past and needs to be moved beyond or closed. I would try to be reconcilitory and move the relationship forward/back to stable ground in the first letter and then if she doesn't show up where you suggest meeting or something, then I'd maybe write another to close it. I try not to end relationships myself with people I really like in case some time a lot further down the road we start up again. My friend and I her were apart a year are doing fine now and talk to/see one another occasionally again. I have another friend who dropped me (and everyone else) but I don't do anything in case she wants to pop up again. I miss her but there's always a bit of hope we can get together again. People come and go like that in our lives; no one stays forever.

[Jennifer1084]

Thank you all very much for responding to my post. I am going to send the letter tomorrow. My T read the letter and said it was good. She said I was very straight forward and clearly asked what I wanted. Though it is 3 pages, but I put song lyrics in it to show my thoughts and feelings on the situation. I'm going to see how this letter goes and if it doesn't go well, then I will send a final letter, thanking her for everything, and like one of you said, maybe not end the friendship but just say goodbye for now. Thanks again for all your help.

Jennifer

[(JD)]