[Freewilled]

I am soooooooooooo sad. I feel like any progress I might have made is gone. I saw T last night and I was mean to him...I was short in my response and just generally acted very irritable. I needed him BADLY but when he tried to be there for me, I wouldn't let him in. I told him its no big deal. When he empathized I told him it doesn't matter, basically. I wouldn't let him get anywhere remotely close to my pain by denying it away. I feel like even though I went to the session, I didn't really "show up"...not really. It's like I left my real self in the car and just cracked the window. Told her I'd be back in an hour /: Now my real self misses T so much, it's like I have to wait a whole nother week just to try again

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, but just needed to get this out there. Nobody knows or understands what I'm going through...

[Wren_]

I've done similar things to this more times than I want to count ... these are the times when it would be nice to rewind the clock and have the session again but without our defences in high gear; sorry you are left waiting now

[Perna]

I had almost 9 years of that regret where I didn't speak (I don't think I was particularly rude) and left wishing I had and determined to do better the next week and didn't, etc. and I'm surprised how much got in and out through the crack in the window!

[sweepy62]

I have done this before, and my t has called me out on it, saying I dont have to pretend to be strong, and to let my guard down because this was my safe room, but I chose to be the almighty stubborn &^%$ just to regret it as soon as I walked out the door. I on the other hand see her every two weeks so I have to pay dear consequences for my wasted session, which really isnt wasted, because I am displaying all these behaviors in session which really mean something and is coming from somewhere for us to deal with, but I do know where your coming from with your post, so hang in there till your next session.

[tealBumblebee]

I would suggest writing her an email (if its allowed) and simply letting her know your feelings about your behavior. She could respond with a quick validating "its ok" and you would have that connection for the week =]