Guilty for being mad at T.

Last summer, T emailed me some photos of her dogs. I was happy that T shared a piece of her life with me. I felt loved.

I was even allowed to draw from the photos, but I haven't, because they are unflattering and distorted. (I'm a professional artist.)
................................
Fast forward to last week, T very kindly brought in a photo album of her dogs ---- flattering, great lighting and poses, beautiful!

I was so inspired! I excitedly asked if I may draw from them, as it would be very helpful for my portfolio.

T said of course not, in a "WTF" tone. I felt crestfallen and crushed. I didn't realize she would feel displeased / say no to my request.

I told her I was disappointed, and she said "I see."

I asked if it's because the photos were by a photographer, she replied that the photos were taken by a friend/ family member. So I asked if I could ask that person for permission, and she said, "No! Melody, just, NO."

I felt hurt and confused. Why couldn't we have a normal conversation about this?

T brought in the album to make me happy. I should be grateful. She is entitled to say no, without explanation.

Yet I can't help but think of my own parents. My parents support my art. They would let me draw from any photo they have, they love me. Why doesn't my T love me?

Drawing portraits of her dogs is my way of showing how much I love her. Doesn't she understand???? I'm not even a dog person. I only love T's dogs because they're her "dogters".

Why did she show you pics of her dogs in the first place? I really don't understand. It seems somewhat... I dunno, odd. It's like inviting you to have a glimpse of her private life and then saying "but it's not for you!"

I don't like it. I don't think it's about not loving you or supporting your art. I think your T has messed up boundaries. She doesn't seem to be at all clear on what she was trying to accomplish with that album. T self-disclosure should have a purpose besides flattering the T's ego (i have beautiful dogs--woohoo! admire them!) She needs to be more aware of your feelings, your love for her, your desire to please her. She needs to tread very gently around these issues.

You certainly have grounds to be mad and nothing to feel guilty for. I think it's worth reevaluating what your t brings to the table. Sounds like not enough in the way of professionalism and self-awareness.

I would have been surprised too. Why were the photos she previously gave you ok to draw from, but not these ones? That, to me, is a very reasonable question. You should tell her that you're confused because of that, as it was a very mixed signal and was like setting you up to be hurt.

Hi Favorite Jeans, Thanks for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts! Your input is so appreciated. It all started last summer when I noticed T's computer had a dog on the screen. I asked if it was her dog, and she said yes. I asked for a photo of the dog, ( because I love T so I decided I must like her dog). Thank you for pointing out about self disclosure. I'm not sure what to think anymore. It hurts to be refused and shut out of her life. I wish she could be less "blank".

Red Panda, Thank you for understanding! It means a lot that you read through all my rambling and gave your advice! Thanks so much for making me feel less alone! You're the best.

I don't see a problem with the actual photo sharing, that part seemed nice ... but saying you can draw them then saying later you can't sends mixed messages to you; and can then leave you wondering what you did wrong when the answer is nothing

I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, Melody. I think maybe your T owes you a fuller explanation than just, "No." IMO, "no" from a therapist needs to have clarity attached to it so the client doesn't convert it to a personal rejection. I won't speculate on her reasons, but I'm sure she has them, and it's fair for you to ask for them. But I can bet those reasons don't include not wanting you to feel cared for, or rejecting your caring for her.

But this caught my eye, too:
First, as I'm sure you know, your T's love is a very specific kind, and it's her obligation to keep it contained within your sessions together. She's not your parents (for many of us, that's followed by "thank god!!"), or even a friend, and no matter how she cares for you, she would be very bad at her job if she interacted with you that way. She may be trying to keep those boundaries clear, and her refusal may well be a part of that effort. She just did it badly this time, from what it sounds like. Don't be afraid to bring it up, not as a negotiation to get the pictures, but from curiosity as to why she was so firm about it and why she showed you the pics in the first place.

I'm sorry she offered you something, then took it away. Perhaps she realised too late that she had stepped over her boundaries. Take good care

I think this might be a topic worth revisiting with your T in a next session.

Clearly there seems to be an issue here, so let her hear your pain (i.e. how her reaction made you feel) but I also think she ought to have given a more appropriate response/explanation rather than shutting you out like she did.

I mean, she doesn't/didn't have to say 'yes' to your request but ought to have been more forthcoming as to why. A simple 'I am not comfortable with this' would have sufficed... It might still be painful for you to hear (and you might still interpret it as a rejection) but maybe less so because there would have been a dialogue? Just my thoughts.

I too don't see why she would bring a whole album of her dogs- what was the therapeutic reason behind it? Based on the info I'd have thought that I was to draw from them- cause I couldn't use the first pic.
Your reason for showing interest in her dogs, as natural as it is, is NOT therapeutic (i.e. Not beneficial for your progress as far as I can see). You don't need to please your T. So in fact, I think she failed as a T by showing you the album in the first place :/
BTW, I think ppl "should" feel guilty for how they act not how they feel- just my 2 cents

Therapists sure like their boundaries! Perhaps she's revised her own boundaries since the last photos (my own therapist is getting good at doing that sort of thing)! Although bringing in the album at all is a bit odd if that was the case. It really would have been much more helpful if she'd asked you about why you wanted to draw her dogs in particular, or if she'd told you the reason she didn't want you to. Personally, if a professional artist wanted to draw my dog, I'd be really excited (whether they intended to give me the drawing or not). And since so many therapists are so against receiving any form of gift, perhaps something like that felt to close to the line. But pretty confusing though, given it was changed from a yes to a blunt no with no explanation.

That is seriously odd. I'd love it if someone drew my dogs. Strange that she'd let you draw one time and not another. Would drawing the dogs involve you taking the photo home with you? That would make a difference to me, if I had a great pic I don't know that I'd part with it at all.

I hope you work thru this with her.

Thank you everyone, it is so nice to wake up and find your supportive messages!

FeeltheBurn, Thank you for pointing out that T must have her own reasons, and that she did not mean to make me feel rejected. You are right and this helps me feel better. Thank you for understanding about the unexplained NO. Your insight into boundaries and her not being my parents, is very smart and helps me to look at it from another perspective.

Rect0pathic, Thank you for understanding! You are probably right about her realizing too late.

Anilam, Thank you for taking the time to read through my rambling! I appreciate it! T brought the photo album because one day she mentioned she has an album of her dogs that I would enjoy, and I told her I would love to see it. I like anything that shows a piece of my T's life. T is usually extremely mysterious and blank. About the therapeutic reason, maybe it was to celebrate the fact that I used to hate dogs, and now I like them because T has them??? I'm not sure but you brought up a good point.


Nightlight, I agree and I'm sorry your therapist revised the boundaries for you too. There are many but we never know when we'll smash into one! Thank you for saying that you would be excited to have an artist draw your dog! Your point about gifts is also a good one, perhaps that's her reason?! It's really nice of you to give such helpful and good feedback.


WikidPissah, Thank you for understanding how strange this is, you're awesome!!! I told T I wouldn't take away her photos, I would just take photos of the photos with my camera, or scanner.

Tigergirl, Thank you so much, it is quite confusing!

Hi there Melody- something that struck me as a possibility, was the reason she said 'no' to you drawing from the album might be because she thought that would have meant borrowing it for an extended length of time? Whereas, with the emailed snaps they're freely given and she doesn't need them 'back' if you see what I mean Could it be something like that?

Hi IndestructibleGirl, I agree and thanks for bringing this up! I wasn't going to borrow her prints if she didn't want to lend them, I was only going to take photos of the photos with my own camera. But thank you for caring and I appreciate your input any time! Take care!

I think your therapist was ridiculous and not nice. I would be hurt.

I think the key is, you said it would be helpful for your portfolio. That means you were bringing your professional self into the room, into the interaction. Then you talked about contacting the photographers - again, professional interaction, only this time, it would also break confidentiality. I think your t was backpedaling because she had not predicted the turn this would take. Maybe she thought you would just ooh and aah over the photos and it would be a bonding moment for you two. Instead you kinda ran in a different direction with it, and she just couldn't keep up or think fast enough to respond to you appropriately. How did it happen that she brought the album in to begin with? You said because you now love dogs, but had she mentioned it before? Oh also - she could have been picturing you saying, "yes and here are portraits of my therapist's dogs" and then that supposes a familiarity - so it quickly becomes a can of worms. It's not that your professional self isn't welcome in the therapy room - but that almost becomes a dual relationship. It's more your emotional, child self that relates to her, no?

Hi Roseleigh, Thank you for the caring and empathy!


Hi Hankster, Your feedback is extremely thoughtful, it really helps so much to look at it from a fresh angle. Thank you for taking the time to write all this! You are right, T probably thought it was only a bonding moment for us. I too assumed I would ooh and aah only, instead I suddenly felt an urgent inspiration to draw because the photos were so stunning. I didn't realize T had nicer photos than the unflattering photos she emailed me before. You are right, she probably felt overwhelmed by my enthusiasm, like you said she probably couldn't think fast enough. It is true that my child self relates to her. My professional self feels slapped, like my work isn't good enough for her. You are so so observant and perceptive. I think I'll share your very insightful post with my T next time. Thank you SO much!!

I think the part that may have rubbed her the wrong way was trying to guess why, and trying to find a way around the "no"

In the future, try simply asking why? without anything else. Then all she can respond to is the 'why' without anything else.

She's entitled to say no.
She's not entitled to yell at you, shame you, or otherwise treat you as less than an equal. Your roles aren't the same, but you are not a child to be yelled out to learn the rules.