[growlithing]

I'm seeing my T in about 45 mins and I really don't feel like talking about what has been going on at all. I really don't want to bring it all up again because I feel kinda numb to everything right now and I'm not looking forward to coming out on the other side feeling like death and hating myself for not saying enough. I know I urgently need to tell her what's going on, but I can already feel that this session is going to be really difficult.

[gayleggg]

It may be difficult but maybe it will help you come out the otherside in better shape than just being numb. She is there to help you work through the tough issues. Best wishes and good luck.

The only thing I can think of doing..which I hate doing but know this feeling you have all to well since I feel the same is writing some of what you feel down. Like make a quick list and so maybe you can read that in session or let your T read it so then it can be brought out easier.

[Wren_]

I hope you can tell her what you have been sharing here and get some much needed support in person

[allme]

Hope it went ok

[growlycat]

Let us know how you are doing

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Let us know how you are doing

I'm okay.

For the other people following me, I told my T that I'm in danger of seriously hurting myself/sui and she offered absolutely no additional help. One of my best friend's boyfriend's mother is a social worker. I called her to explore other options including getting a real therapist that has experience and specializes in trauma. I'm not sure what I can make happen yet, but it is really good to know that maybe I can get the help I need even if my T is not going to deliver anything more than "take a cold shower to distract yourself from suicide and if that doesn't work, call the police"

[Bill3]

Good job taking the initiative and being proactive!

[feralkittymom]

I'm so glad to hear that you're looking to other options. I'm sure your T is well meaning, but she appears in over her head and I suspect she may, probably unknowingly, be minimizing to protect herself from that awareness. You need more. Do you know who her supervisor is? Could you see that person?

[Victoria'smom]

I really think your T is over her head because she's not being really useful in this situation. Did she even ask the questions that gauge how serious the situation is? I'm glad you were honest.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I really think your T is over her head because she's not being really useful in this situation. Did she even ask the questions that gauge how serious the situation is? I'm glad you were honest.

***This could be triggering so warning***

I told her that her techniques aren't working. She didn't get it and said "I know it may feel like they aren't working"
Me: "No. They are NOT working. I try them every time I get the urge. They do NOTHING. You need to come up with something else because if someone doesn't help me soon, I'm going to die"

At the very end of the session, she goes "I will be seeing you on Thursday, right?"
Me: "probably"
T: "no I'm serious"
Me: "so am I. I didn't expect to make an attempt the day before I did"
And then I left.

I can't figure out why she just let me leave after I basically told her I'm in serious danger on any given day. I feel like she just let me walk out, potentially to die and I just don't know if she doesn't care or just really doesn't know how to handle it... I tried to be honest and communicate what is going on. I was as blunt as humanly possible and she still did nothing but go completely pale.

[Bill3]

If okay, let us know what develops with the other avenues that you are exploring.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I'm so glad to hear that you're looking to other options. I'm sure your T is well meaning, but she appears in over her head and I suspect she may, probably unknowingly, be minimizing to protect herself from that awareness. You need more. Do you know who her supervisor is? Could you see that person?

Her supervisor knew I attempted sui a few days after it took place and did NOTHING to even just check that I was okay. She left me alone in that house to die. I'm looking outside of the school. They aren't going to help me and I really wish they could just admit that they don't have the resources to actually treat me and would help refer me out. I'm in the city of Boston for ****'s sake. There have GOT to be people out there skilled enough to fix me because honestly, I am not so psychologically damaged that I can't be saved. I'm being failed by the system that has been given to me and I need to rise above before completely throwing in the towel.

[peaches100]

Hi Growlithing,

I'm sorry that you don't feel supported by your t. I don't get the feeling that she doesn't care. But it DOES sound like she may not be experienced enough to know how to handle a situation this serious.

It seems important to me that if a client begins to doubt their own ability to keep themselves safe, they need to know that their t is capable enough to recognize when they need to step in and take action to ensure their client's safety.

Your t either does not seem to understand how serious your situation is, or she is unsure what she should do about it (give advice on coping skills versus talking about the potential need for temporary hospitalization, possible need to have a psychiatrist re-evaluate whether your meds/dosages are adequate, etc.)

Can you tell her that you need her to be more directly involved in helping you at times when you are feeling suicidal? Be ready to tell her what it is, specifically, that you need from her. Examples:

"When I'm feeling suicidal, I need you to. . ."

"Allow me more contact with you if I need it to stay grounded."

"Increase the frequency of my appointments while I'm less stable."

"Help me decide if I need to be hospitalized"

. . .or whatever would help you most. . .

I know that sometimes I expect my t to know what I need -- and then I feel disappointed when she doesn't. Ideally, your t should be able to adequately predict your mental state and the risk you pose to hurting yourself. But in this case, it sounds like she isn't getting it, for some reason. Consider telling her straight out what you need from her. If she is unable to provide the sort of assistance you need, I would suggest you seek out a more skilled therapist.

Please don't give up! Your life is worth fighting for.

Peaches

[winter4me]

Is there any way you can go inpatient? (I just read this thread for the first time so I may be missing information)---I know too well the feelings and desperation you are expressing and it sounds like your t. and others just don't want to acknowledge how serious the situation is---perhaps to protect themselves, and out of an ignorance I find not uncommon but not forgivable. The mental health system in general is quite broken right now; don't hesitate to go an ER if you find yourself too close to the edge. This is something you can live through, and you can have a Good life beyond this dreadful time, you are fighting for your life. And you Are fighting, you are not letting other people's lack of response/skill push you over----keep fighting. And keep posting please.
Are you on any meds? Is that an option, does it even help?---

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Growlithing,

I'm sorry that you don't feel supported by your t. I don't get the feeling that she doesn't care. But it DOES sound like she may not be experienced enough to know how to handle a situation this serious.

It seems important to me that if a client begins to doubt their own ability to keep themselves safe, they need to know that their t is capable enough to recognize when they need to step in and take action to ensure their client's safety.

Your t either does not seem to understand how serious your situation is, or she is unsure what she should do about it (give advice on coping skills versus talking about the potential need for temporary hospitalization, possible need to have a psychiatrist re-evaluate whether your meds/dosages are adequate, etc.)

Can you tell her that you need her to be more directly involved in helping you at times when you are feeling suicidal? Be ready to tell her what it is, specifically, that you need from her. Examples:

"When I'm feeling suicidal, I need you to. . ."

"Allow me more contact with you if I need it to stay grounded."

"Increase the frequency of my appointments while I'm less stable."

"Help me decide if I need to be hospitalized"

. . .or whatever would help you most. . .

I know that sometimes I expect my t to know what I need -- and then I feel disappointed when she doesn't. Ideally, your t should be able to adequately predict your mental state and the risk you pose to hurting yourself. But in this case, it sounds like she isn't getting it, for some reason. Consider telling her straight out what you need from her. If she is unable to provide the sort of assistance you need, I would suggest you seek out a more skilled therapist.

Please don't give up! Your life is worth fighting for.

Peaches

I'm not really sure how more clear I can be than "This isn't working. We need to try something completely different or I will end up killing myself soon."

It's really frustrating because I can't contact her at all outside of sessions, she has no time to increase frequency of appointments, and it's just a mess.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Is there any way you can go inpatient? (I just read this thread for the first time so I may be missing information)---I know too well the feelings and desperation you are expressing and it sounds like your t. and others just don't want to acknowledge how serious the situation is---perhaps to protect themselves, and out of an ignorance I find not uncommon but not forgivable. The mental health system in general is quite broken right now; don't hesitate to go an ER if you find yourself too close to the edge. This is something you can live through, and you can have a Good life beyond this dreadful time, you are fighting for your life. And you Are fighting, you are not letting other people's lack of response/skill push you over----keep fighting. And keep posting please.
Are you on any meds? Is that an option, does it even help?---

The problem is that I really REALLY can't have my parents find out that I went inpatient because if they do, they will probably try to pull me out of school which will ultimately end up in me getting cut off. My mom believes that going inpatient will make it impossible for me to ever get a job ever and that I'm being over dramatic for attention and the school is taking me too seriously. That's what she thought happened last time I went IP. She still makes fun of me for going IP to this day and this happened two years ago.

I talked to this social worker and she said there is a way for me to call my insurance and they will not release my mental health bills to my parents because I am on their insurance. I'm not really sure how that will work, but I'm going to talk to her again tomorrow about how to make that happen. If there is a way for me to go IP without my parents finding out, then that becomes a very real option for me. I just hate hate HATE the psych hospital. I get VERY anxious when I'm barred from being able to practice and I can't handle not knowing when I'll be released. The social worker in charge of me last time pushed to get me released quickly because I was so distressed the entire time.

Yes. I'm on 45mgs of Adderall for my ADHD and 1mg of ativan as needed for anxiety/self harm prevention. The drugs feel great. I've been on celexa before and I HATED it. It did nothing but exacerbate my ADHD and made me feel all numb and icky. I really need to stay on my adderall.

[Littlemeinside]

It´s really hard to know what you are looking for, reading yours threads. I get that you want to be safed and fixed by other people, but then again decline suggestions made and don´t seem to think you have an active role in your own recovery. I could be mistaken but could you specify, at least to your T, what you want from her? Aren´t you seeing her twice a week or am I confusing you with someone else..

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Littlemeinside

It´s really hard to know what you are looking for, reading yours threads. I get that you want to be safed and fixed by other people, but then again decline suggestions made and don´t seem to think you have an active role in your own recovery. I could be mistaken but could you specify, at least to your T, what you want from her? Aren´t you seeing her twice a week or am I confusing you with someone else..

I'm not 100% sure of what I want or need. I just want help. I have tried her coping skills. They do not work for me. There are a lot of other options I have. I have not declined anything yet. My T is still talking about DBT and I'm open to trying that. I just discovered that I have a social worker contact and I'm exploring more options for help through her because I don't think my school can give the help I need. I am taking an active role in my recovery. It's a little bit difficult to maneuver this when it HAS to be a secret from my parents who share my insurance and I need help just to figure out how to handle that.

I have been beyond clear with my T that I need more help. I am seeing her twice a week, but it is not enough. I am starting to really believe that she is not able to help me.

[Littlemeinside]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm not 100% sure of what I want or need. I just want help. I have tried her coping skills. They do not work for me. There are a lot of other options I have. I have not declined anything yet. My T is still talking about DBT and I'm open to trying that. I just discovered that I have a social worker contact and I'm exploring more options for help through her because I don't think my school can give the help I need. I am taking an active role in my recovery. It's a little bit difficult to maneuver this when it HAS to be a secret from my parents who share my insurance and I need help just to figure out how to handle that.

I have been beyond clear with my T that I need more help. I am seeing her twice a week, but it is not enough. I am starting to really believe that she is not able to help me.

I couldn´t help notice that you wrote in a former thread that your mum brushed your teeth, until you were 13 years old.That you don´t want to learn how to balance a checkbook ( your parents are paying anyway? ) and that you look for advice on having difficulty reading...then saying it´s not an issue in here because it´s interesting when it´s about your own problems.You don´t really want to get a drivers license either ( making you to independant?)ect. ect. Could there be a pattern between that and a frantic search to be " helped" and looking for treatment providers to " fix and safe" you. That way you can avoid " growing up" and take responsibility for your own life? Thats a hard one but seeing a T twice a week, getting loads of support in here and having meds as needed, I still wonder ( obviously you do to) what you are looking for and how you basically define " help"?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Littlemeinside

I couldn´t help notice that you wrote in a former thread that your mum brushed your teeth, until you were 13 years old.That you don´t want to learn how to balance a checkbook ( your parents are paying anyway? ) and that you look for advice on having difficulty reading...then saying it´s not an issue in here because it´s interesting when it´s about your own problems.You don´t really want to get a drivers license either ( making you to independant?)ect. ect. Could there be a pattern between that and a frantic search to be " helped" and looking for treatment providers to " fix and safe" you. That way you can avoid " growing up" and take responsibility for your own life? Thats a hard one but seeing a T twice a week, getting loads of support in here and having meds as needed, I still wonder ( obviously you do to) what you are looking for and how you basically define " help"?

She did brush my teeth until I was 13 because she didn't trust that I could do a good enough job on my own. I got my driver's license a month ago.

I'm seeing a T who is an intern twice a week. I was her first ever client. I have meds to take as needed, but I can't take them constantly because getting addicted to benzos is not a good thing. Part of "taking responsibility of my own life" is realizing when I need help and going out and searching for it. Just because I am not responding to the help that I am getting and that I'm frantically searching for more doesn't mean I'm not "taking responsibility of my life". I can't overcome my problems without professional help. I know that. I am trying desperately to get that help.

If I were avoiding growing up, I wouldn't be contacting people inside of my school for help, I wouldn't be contacting people outside of my school for help, and I certainly wouldn't be trying to figure out how to talk to my insurance company in order to actually get outside help.

I'm not looking for someone to take all of my problems away or to rub my back and tell me everything will be okay. I'm looking for someone skilled enough to know how to handle someone in my situation, help stabilize me, and pass along their knowledge so I can eventually handle myself. When I say I don't know what kind of help I want, I mean I don't know if I need to go IP or not.

So with all due respect... back off. Don't tell me that me trying to get help is me somehow avoiding growing up or needing someone to take care of me. Maybe I do need someone to take care of me right now because I can't stop thinking about sui. The adult thing to do in my situation is to recognize that I need help and to go get it.

I seriously think it's so awesome that you are actively searching for help outside of school and truly admire that. I know it can be one of the hardest things - when you've already tried to help yourself and then that help doesn't work out for whatever reason. And in addition, trying not to have your parents involved can be tricky to negotiate, especially when you're feeling so low - at least when I'm feeling that way, my brain doesn't work too well.
I hope things work out with this social worker. It sounds like she was able to give you some concrete steps to begin to figure out logistical concerns.
Keep fighting!

[winter4me]

It does sound like one thing that needs to happen is independence from your parents. Tough time to be needing that...I am so sorry that they are not demonstrating respect, caring, and love for you. Do hang in there.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by winter4me

It does sound like one thing that needs to happen is independence from your parents. Tough time to be needing that...I am so sorry that they are not demonstrating respect, caring, and love for you. Do hang in there.

Yes, but first I need to not kill myself. Baby steps.

.
This may seem harsh....

.... but if they are so bad, why not get cut-off?
Clearly you are not getting caring and support from them... except financially?

You would not be the first to have to survive without money and everything else from parents. You take out student loans, you get a job or two, you go to school part-time, you live frugally. You get free medical care and mental health services because you are poor (with Obama's thing, you should get lots of free stuff now).

You take control of your life.

Thousands of people make this choice. Thousands of people turn 18 and are kicked out. Thousands of people have no family or bad families and they make the choice.

Why are you making excuses? If it was so bad, you already survived and are a fighter... the rest of life now is just figuring **** out.

Drop them.

And before you tell me I don't know what I am talking about, I am around your age and got kicked out of foster care at 18 with nothing. I am in school, working alot, and have some really bad mental health and medical problems. I know more than you know. It is possible.