T "stood me up"

So , earlier this week (Monday) I was supposed to have a session with T. She was sick and couldn't make it, so we rescheduled for today. I got there...sat in the waiting room for about 20 minutes before I asked the receptionist if she had seen her today. She hadn't, so she gave her a call. Sure enough, T had forgotten and was still at home. The receptionist put me on the phone with T and she kept saying "I am so so so SO sorry" and that she hadn't put the appointment change in her phone calendar. I told her I understood and we rescheduled for tomorrow.
This really might not seem like a big deal to you all, I mean, accidents happen. I know this. Thing is though, in the last 2 weeks she was 20 minutes lat to a session, cancelled the next session, and now basically stood me up today (She also "forgot" about a session months ago). Deep down, I know it's not personal. She's a grad student in her last year and has a busy schedule. But for some reason, I can't help but think "if you really cared , you wouldn't forget".
Is this irrational? I mean, she is an excellent T, and I really don't have anything bad to say about her...but this last week threw me off a bit. I also feel like I'm being selfish. Like maybe I should think a little harder about how busy her schedule is before I make a big deal out of these things. Although, she always tells me I "protect" her too much...so maybe it's ok to feel a little offended...

I dunno, just a rant really. I digress.

Yeah but now I would call her before I showed up tomorrow. I would be all oh thats okay but I would be like dissociating-pouting. I hope you're okay.

Nah, I think anyone would feel like that. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's a good thing she was so apologetic.

I'd absolutely address it with her. At the very least, as a grad student, she needs to get that it isn't about her being sorry, no matter how sincere her apology is. You'd be furthering her education and serving your own interests by directing her attention to how this sort of lapse has real consequences.

I would call tomorrow to make sure she is there before you show up. I understand that she is a grad student and has a busy schedule, but I would feel a little hurt too.

same things happened with me and a new t I started seeing, she stood me up twice was repeatedly late and cancelling sessions. We had a huge rupture and I never returned. I could not work with somebody who knew I had abandonment issues but still stood me up, a t needs to be there and consistent but she was on a way but not a good way.
I would text or ring before tomorrow and say that you are checking in because she has forgotten about you and cancelled so many sessions that you need to check.
It is simply not being respectful of your time and I am sorry this is happening to you.

Thanks everyone, makes me feel a little less selfish or childish about being a little put off by it. I've been seeing her for two years, and it is only recently that this has been happening. I've been asking her about some "test" they have at the clinic that I want to take (on a consistent basis now). I have adhd and it tells you a little about yourself and and your adhd. She always tells me that she will figure out a time and date and call me (but doesn't ever really set a date or time) She called me tonight and asked me if I'd like to come in a half hour earlier so I could take the test and still have the full session. So it's obviously something she has given some thought to, and feels bad.

P.S. I like the idea of calling and checking before the session tomorrow, but I am fully confident she will be there (it's at like 8am) And while giving her a call would kinda show her that I'm a little unsure now - it feels really passive aggressive. I've been known to be very passive aggressive in the past (in a few different aspects of life) and it is something I'm trying to steer clear of. While the thought of doing that made me smirk a little...I think I'll just bring it up in a straight forward way at the session ;-)

My T did the same thing to me this week, and she's done it probably 10 times in the 4 years I've been seeing her for. She is an otherwise AMAZING T, so I would never switch to someone else over it, but it is really hard to sit and wait and have all those abandonment fears kick in. As hard as it is, though, it's given me a chance to work through some of those fears and past feelings and realize those fears and feelings belong with my mom not her and not anyone else. She allows me to have my reaction, be hurt, pull away, or whatever...but we talk about it. I wasn't sure it was working until this week...for the first time, as I sat waiting, I DID NOT go to "she hates me, I've upset her, she's not coming back, I've bothered her." I instead thought, "I bet she got the time wrong in her planner, or she got stuck in an emergency at her other job." That's exactly what happened. I've come to realize that people are human and make mistakes and things happen, and it's not about me. It's taken a lot of talking to get to this point though. So as hard as it is, I say talk to her about how you felt and what came up for you. It may give you a chance to see her react differently than the people who really abandoned you. It's easier sometimes to just say " oh it's okay" and act like its fine than to say " that really hurt. I thought you weren't coming back" or were mad at me, or whatever it brings up for you. I've told my T I was pissed off at her because I needed her THAT day, not the next when we rescheduled. Anyway, sorry for rambling...I'm not sure if any of this is helpful. But how often do you actually get to practice working through abandonment with T in a real life situation that is currently happening with her? Don't tell my T, but I'm secretly kind of thankful for her time management flaws lol. It pushes my buttons, but it's helped me change the way I look at the world.

I hope your session goes well tomorrow

I think you have handled it very well. It can be very triggering to be forgotten, for several issues: lack of self confidence or worth, difficulties with trust, are just a couple of things that could be triggered.
So while it might seem a bit passive-aggressive to call, it might also be a way to protect yourself from hurt. It might be worthwhile to talk with your T about what would be appropriate for you.

If my T did that to me I would frrreeeeaaaak out! But logically I would definitely realize mistakes happen....my feelings and abandonment stuff are so not logical though! I'm sorry this has been happening to you. If you could talk to your T about it, hopefully it might help

I totally understand being upset, and suspicious, and hurt. I imagine that if this hadn't happened, whatever you are feeling is something you are familiar with feeling. Are there other times, with her, or someone else, where you feel the same.

I learned a while ago that more important than a T that never made a mistake, was a T that I could work things out with. It sounds like you have done that, and she has owned her behavior. I woudl be writing something sooo different if she hadn't responded well.

I'm not excusing her lapses - just wondering what it is that was triggered in you. I imagine a lot of people might not like it, but I also imagine they would all dislike it for different reasons, with different feelings, and your reasons and feelings are about you. Everytime I work something out with a T, even when they made a mistake, even when they made a big mistake, i learn something about myself. I really appreciate having a T that helps me with that.

I can understand completely. My main T, in 20 plus years of seeing me got the date wrong only once and I don't think he has ever been late, maybe once.

To mess up that often would upset me too!

I'm glad she's taking this extra step. She's like assuring you that you dont have to pick up her slack. It's very proactive. It feels very comforting, like something my t did when we were going thru our major rupture.

There was a time that my T failed to show up for my appointment and I was frustrated with that. It was at a super busy time for me, and waiting for him to show up cost me about 2 hours, including transportation time. I didn't think his action meant he didn't care about me, but I did have an under the radar feeling of, "my time is valuable and he doesn't value my time." When we had our next appointment, he didn't charge me for it, because of the time I had lost the previous appointment. This made me feel like he does value my time! And it made it seem more like a two-way relationship, because he has a rule that if a client cancels with less than 24 hrs notice, they have to pay for the session. So it was only right, and reciprocal, that he not charge me for the next session to make up for my lost time the previous one.

So I hope your T will make some sort of compensatory gesture to make up for the time you wasted when she no-showed, LearningMe. That would show respect and fairness, and perhaps you might even interpret it as caring. The way a T handles these gaffes is important, and your novice T has a chance to grow and learn from this. I hope she knocks it out of the park.

It's totally fine to be upset about your T's actions! She is meant to be there for you- that's why you take time out of your own schedule and she's the one who gets paid. It's a hard truth when you are very close with your T, but it's okay to be upset when she isn't making the appointments on time or forgetting about them for that matter. That's not okay and should certainly be addressed-especially if you like her and want to stick with treatment with her.

Don't beat yourself up for being upset...if my T did that I would be furious!...especially with my abandonment issues.

Be kind to yourself about it

Thanks for all the great replies everyone.

She handled it very well. As soon as we sat down for the session she said "Before we start, lets talk a little about yesterday" "How did that feel when I forgot our session? I can imagine it was hurtful." I said "To be totally honest with you, I felt a little irritated that I drove all the way out here for nothing, but I got over it." She said "I can imagine." I said "I also think about your schedule and all that is going on with you, I'm sure there are plenty of distractions in your life right now (school etc.) and sometimes people make mistakes, such is life." She smiled and said "you are very good at putting yourself in someone else's shoes" And that was that. But I thought it was nice that she addressed it right away, and I didn't have to. I can usually count on her to be on top of things like that.

She sounds very kind.

Syra,

I learned a while ago that more important than a T that never made a mistake, was a T that I could work things out with. It sounds like you have done that, and she has owned her behavior. I woudl be writing something sooo different if she hadn't responded well.

Absolutely, she didn't even try to make an excuse, she was very honest. She was also very quick to bring it up at our next session.

I'm not excusing her lapses - just wondering what it is that was triggered in you. I imagine a lot of people might not like it, but I also imagine they would all dislike it for different reasons, with different feelings, and your reasons and feelings are about you. Everytime I work something out with a T, even when they made a mistake, even when they made a big mistake, i learn something about myself. I really appreciate having a T that helps me with that.


There have been times that people I really cared about left my life out of nowhere. My hurt wasn't about abandonment though, it was more about her caring enough to remember me. She's leaving soon, and I won't see her again...I'm very close with her, and I don't like to think about her not being here anymore...so that may have also been mixed in there somewhere.

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She is, she's a very good person. Has a lot of integrity.