One more hour

Another week ends, another therapy session ends and where were my words? In my pocket. The writing I had done form the week before was in my pocket I couldn't take it out and she new it was there because she asked and I told her. I felt like such an idiot today walking out of her office having accomplished absolutely nothing.
It's almost like there is this weird power struggle thing going on in therapy. I want and need to talk but feel that if I do then she "wins." I told her that my writing was in my pocket but I wouldn't take it out just because I didn't want her to have the satisfaction of "winning." This is not a game and the things that I need to talk about in order to heal are extremly frightening to me. I know therapy is not about her, it's about me and my story. I know that most of what I come up with is only an excuse and a way to get though 60 minuets without having to go to deep into the past. Next week there will be no idle chit chat. Sit down...talk... If I weren't so acutely aware of myself and my behaviors therapy would be easier maybe. She isn't telling me anything I don't know. All I have to do is cooperate.

On a little different note. I'm going back to Iraq (again) but this time it will be for 13 months. I don't want to leave again and have my last 7 months in therapy have been a total waste. Before I leave somehow I'd like to be empowered by my own story instead of trying to save everyone else. That may sound a little selfish, I can asure you I'm not a selfish person. My mind is going in hundred different directions now so this might be a good time to stop typing. Thanks for listening as always.

~Sailaway

We can't help pthers if we can't even help ourselves... it's not selfish. Wow, Iraq.... that sounds scary... I don't think your therapy would be a waste if you left, even only one session can help, don't focus on what you are losing, but on what you have gained through the therapy. If it's still nothing, then maybe you need a new therapist anyway?

I guess you are right. None of it has really been a waste. I just wish I was able to face my fears a little better.

Maybe concentrate on how you view your T, as a "partner" rather than a teacher/taskmaster or adversary? When I'd get afraid I'd picture my T sitting next to me like a friend instead of across from me like a teacher.

hey keep on writing. writing in itself is doing therapy and can lead to progress of helping you understand you and your problems and what youi can do to help yourself with your problems. 98% of therapy is the client doing things on their own to fix their problems. a person sees a therapist only one hour a week (or less if on monthly or biweekly schedule) and the client is on their own 167 hours a week. for that 167 hours the client has to figure things out for their self and writing can and is a great help in doing that which is why most therapists have their clients do journaling as a part of their therapy "homework" A therapist job is to be there for you to talk to which is basically you taking your problems out of you and on to the therapist so that you can see what the problems are and how you can fix them writing does the same - a person taking a problem and putting it outside themselves on to something (paper) so that they can see what their problems are and can fix their own problems. the problems were in your pocket on paper not bouncing around in your head thats all that important. its not always important that a client spend all their therapy time verbally spilling thier guts to a therapist. All that matters is the cleint is using ways to express themselves to then selves so that they can sole their problems and writing is one form of therapy that helps do that.

Hang in there and lots of luck and good wishes for your time in Iraq.

I don't think your selfish at all Sailaway, in fact, it's a sign of growth to be able to finally say "what about me", when you have had to give so much of yourself to what others want or need you to be. There is nothing wrong with your needing to have your voice finally heard and your experiences validated in the presence of a caring and nuturing and knowledgable facilitator, who has been helping you reach that very vulnerable place, which you have been required to push back over and over again. Now it must seem like for not, all the work and growth because there will be a break in connection with your T.

My first T, received orders stateside while I was on a Military Psych-Ward and he was very concerned at how I was going to process trust issues, being he was the first one I had opened up to about abuse issues, so what he wanted to do was check up on my progress and keep connected by writing letters, we did this for about a year or so until I was re-established stateside where I would maintain a relationship with a Civilian Therapist, he knew I had a way of disappearing into the crowd, and the military life is good at allowing that to occur, because of the mobility, its easy to move on, chin up.. chest out..and do what must be done..smile...and while our correspondence was not therapy, it was therapeutic. The correspondence helped allot, it was nothing heavy duty in the letters, just kind of a "Hey how ya doing, yeah I know its tough, and you can do it"...type of communications, but they meant the world to me..while I was living overseas...I dont know if you or your T would be open to exchanging a letter now and again, just for you to be able to keep in touch, but its worth a try...and just a suggestion

Please take care of yourself over in Iraq, be safe, take care Sailaway...

(((((((((( sailaway )))))))))