[ombrétwilight]

I'm currently not in therapy but I just wanted to ask something that's been on my mind for a while. I don't know if any of you ever feel this way but sometimes I just feel like a useless, worthless, pathetic insect while talking to T. It's not really the fear of judgment (I've gotten over that) but rather my own inferiority complex that's making me feel small, insignificant and like T actually dislikes me and can't wait to get me out because I am still not fixed. Maybe the reason I can't overcome this feeling is because I see the truth in it, but I would be really glad if anyone cares to share how to get over it.

[doyoutrustme]

I would say what you just said to the therapist.

[Angelina24]

I agree with doyoutrustme. I had a misunderstanding once with my last T (I read more into his behavior in a session than what was really there.) During the next session I was able to verbalize why I was so upset with him and how it had made me feel along with thinking he only put up with me because I paid him for his time. This gave him the opportunity to tell me that he really enjoyed working with me and that it was most definitely not just about the money. It was worth the discomfort of bringing it up to be able to hear him say that he genuinely liked me.

[brillskep]

For me it works to have sensitivity and respect for my own issues, even when others don't really see or understand them, and I also respect other people's struggles just as much. It may or may not work for you, but for me there's a lot of relief and acceptance in the belief that any suffering experienced by myself or another is worthwhile, even if in the great scheme of things some people may find it trivial or strange.

Beyond that, though, this feeling of being a pathetic insect may be more than what I'm talking about here. Like you said, it's beyond judgment, like a sense that's there wherever you go and whatever happens. Now I don't know your therapist of course, but most therapists don't actually feel that way about clients, or else they wouldn't be therapists. With that in mind, it might be helpful to let your therapist know how you feel, at least gradually. This is very important about you and how you feel yourself in the world. I know it might stir these exact same feelings and thoughts telling your therapist this, but if you can find a way to communicate these things that can be bearable for you, it might be the beginning of some deep and useful work. Whatever you choose to do about it, feeling this way doesn't necessarily mean it's true. I hope you will find a way to work with this!

[ombrétwilight]

Thanks everyone for your input. I had worked on expressing "weakness" as I see it to my T but I don't think I've quite achieved a satisfactory level before our untimely termination. It's not that I don't want to be honest with her but I've always trivialised these emotions about self-worth into something I bring up in a facetious remark. I do get that Ts often don't detest their clients for "not getting well" and so on, but surely they have those they truly like and those they are more apathetic about. I can't help but feel like I'm one of the latter and she sees me as "work" (which I am) so it hurts a little. OK I lied, a lot.

I think I will continue this process of attempting to be more open with my next T. It must be freeing to finally unburden these irrational thoughts.

I agree with doyoutrustme as well, say what you said to your t. I struggle with feeling pathetic often, usually after a session, when I realize how ridiculous I must sound to her.

[ThisWayOut]

I've actaully brough this up to my T a few times, and she has been ever-so-patient in giving me reality checks around it. She asks me why I would think that she dislikes me. She wants me to give her concrete examples (most of the time I can't come up with anything), and she helps correct any misunderstandings. She very gently reminds me that it's mostly my own judgements about myself or based on past experiences. I'm sure it's quite frustrating to have to go through this almost every week, but she seems to take it in stride. She knows I have a lot of self-esteem issues. She even laughs at th stupid, dry jokes I make about it, but then she reminds me that I need to be gentler with myself...
Definitely something to address with your next T if you can (even if it's slowly).