[FirePhoenix]

First, some background: I've been depressed for 7 years now, and this past weekend was admitted into a psychiatric hospital from Friday night to Sunday morning because I had threatened to commit suicide. While there, I was completely ignored by the staff: they would do their rounds every 15-20 minutes to make sure I hadn't killed myself, but other than that, they didn't do anything. The doctor there diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD (which I discovered on my discharge papers; not by anything anyone said to me). I am not suffering from PTSD, for one. But then they never told me what to do after I left. So I made an appointment with my regular therapist, and I have seen her twice since (on Tuesday and on Wednesday).

I had to take time off of work in order to be able to live normally again. It seems that the night I almost committed suicide was a breaking point, and I haven't been able to get my emotions under control yet. Every day since, I've had a panic attack, and I've had to take time off of work. But my therapist hasn't done anything to help me, at least I don't feel like she has. She had me look at a worksheet out of a child's book about anger. The idea was to circle the ways you let out your anger and put an X through the ways you don't use. I told her I don't use any of them; I don't let out my anger at all. She then had me read a paper, again out of a child's book, about "Brain Channels," and how if we're on the "Stormy Channel" (depression, low self-esteem, anxiety), then we need to change the channel. She asked me if I keep a journal, and I said no. The past couple of days I've actually been trying to write in a journal, but every time I do that, I become suicidal, and the other night I ended up writing a suicide note.

She also seems to have preconceived ideas about me, since she used to see both of my parents, and it's been made clear to me that my parents don't know me that well (which is adding to all of my stress).

I understand that therapy takes time to work, but it doesn't feel like we're working on anything. She didn't give me anything to think about or try and improve, she didn't give me any "goal" to try and reach for until the next session aside from a stupid little contract that said I wasn't going to kill myself. Should I be doing something differently to try and get this therapy to work? Or is it more on her end right now? I've tried searching for self-help methods, but they always end up with those stupid, "do things you used to enjoy, even if you don't really want to," advice columns. I already do things I enjoy, just to distract myself. I have to go back to work before I see her again, and I don't know how I'm going to manage without having a panic attack.

I apologize for such the long read, I guess I started ranting a bit.

But my basic point is, am I doing something wrong on my end of the therapy? I know therapy is work, but I don't feel like she's giving me anything to work with or work on. Would it be okay for me to ask her to see me more than just once a week? I don't feel like once a week is enough. And what can I do before our next session to try and lessen this building feeling of anxiety and these suicidal thoughts?

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm not sure how long you've been seeing this T, but one thing that seems quite important is to bring all of this up to your T - and ask for what you need.

You mentioned that therapy isn't working, yet you want to increase your sessions. It might be worthwhile to figure out what you want out of those sessions, so you and T can come up with a plan of action.

As far as ideas to lessen anxiety, my T encourages me to set a space for those feelings - allow myself to feel and work towards being curious about those feelings. That curiosity can lead to understanding what my body is trying to tell me, and then journaling it. If it gets too intense or lasts too long, he encourages me to find a physical outlet for that energy build-up - typically some form of exercise, etc.

[FirePhoenix]

I do plan on telling her this next time I see her... I wish I had more sessions because, at the rate my mind goes, a week is a very very long time. With more sessions, I would be able to talk to her about all of this sooner, and there would be more time to actually come up with coping strategies and goals that work for me.

What exactly does that mean - set a space for the feelings? I don't quite understand.

[mixedup_emotions]

For me, setting a space for the feelings is basically giving myself the a set amount of time and privacy to allow myself to feel without judging myself or working to rid myself of the feelings. If I feel anxious, my gut instinct is to run from it - try to get it to go away - numb myself somehow. By being curious about my feelings and allowing those feelings to come up, there's greater potential to learn what my body is trying to communicate. It gets frustrating at times, but I found that running from it only keeps it alive. I am working towards trying to work through things rather than run from them.

[ar2004]

I would say you should try to explain your concerns to your T. Tell her you need goals and that you feel like you are not moving forward or making progress with the current methodology of the therapy. If after that you continue to find there is no structure, goals, or progress, you should consider finding a new T. I wouldn't let things carry on like this for much longer because you deserve to get the help and support you need.

My T gives me therapy homework that is focused in some way on what we addressed or talked about in that session. If she doesn't give me homework, I ask for it because I know that the whole point of therapy is to help a person become their best self. Our sessions are also structured in that I fill out a feelings inventory at the beginning and end of the session as well as answer evaluative questions about the T session and my T. I like this structure because it helps me to figure out what I am feeling--something that is hard for me to do because I internalize most of my feelings. All T's use different methods and it could be that your T's methods just don't work for you and that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.