I don't think I can forgive my T

I can only echo what other posters have said, regardless of his reasons or whatever else might have been going on, your T's responses were rubbish, the LEAST he should have done was show some sympathy towards you for your major losses. I'm pretty gobsmacked that as a professed Christian he could have such an unchristian attitude towards you, and worse, made it all about him. I hope you are coping ok and have some real world support to get you through this terrible time

Oh I just can't imagine what you're going through right now, I am so so so sorry for your losses.....my heart breaks for you, it really does I am so sorry you have a jerk of a t. Even if you did cross a line in your email, you have suffered greatly here and he should be more sympathetic to that in his response. He is a t at the end of the day, yes he is human but he is a t, his response to you on both occasions was, imo, uncalled for and he should have shown more control in his email.

Sending you so much love and hugs right now

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses! That's such a terrible thing to have to deal with, and your T. couldn't come up with any comforting thoughts or compassion? That pisses me off! I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of cancelling the next session, I'd bail and already have someone else lined up. I mean really, this is the time you need "support" the most, isn't it? And they literally turn their back on you....not good. Not professional, you deserve better, you deserve human! I'm sorry if I sound angry but that's just cold. He treated you wrong...I live by the rule : I treat those how I want to be treated....But sometimes: "I treat those how they treat me!" When they do hurtful things in hurtful times like that. It's as if he kicked you while you were already down. 10 years? That's a long time friendship...one would think. I hope you are feeling better and have found support through others. Prayers out to you and keep safe. Best of luck.

I'm sorry, but although one would hope given the circumstances he would be more tactful, I have to agree with Sierra on this one. I don't know how it transpired, but if, for example, a T has a clear boundary surrounding touch and when he won't touch the patient to comfort them, they say would he want to be treated this way if his wife had died --this is pretty extreme and I can see how he would feel attacked.

I don't know exactly what he said, but his responses do sound unprofessional. He sounds so aggravated that maybe there's been a cumulative effect (you seem to have had multiple ruptures concerning his boundaries on out of session contact, which seems to be more or less how this started) and he can't keep his professional distance anymore. Maybe it is time, once things are more stable, to look for another T. Though I'd urge you to discuss in person the e-mail exchange.

Whatever else your T is, two things I have noticed from your threads is that: he has strict and very consistent boundaries and he's not particularly fuzzy. Though he seems to have made an exception regarding e-mail during this time -which unfortunately backfired big time. I'm sorry he's not the type of T to be more reassuring and comforting, which would be so helpful at this time.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, I hope it will be helpful to talk to him about all of this when you see him. Meanwhile, I'd suggest not e-mailing (or texting) because I have a feeling it would end up bringing about a world of hurt.

I hope you're getting as much support as possible outside of therapy during this terrible time. I'm sorry that you can't count on this from therapy, but please reach out as much as you can.

"He answered that he didnt want to be criticized anymore. He was angry. He can't stand hearing I'm unhappy and why--he gets defensive. I told him to imagine if he lost his wife--that's how it feels yo me. He got angry. I told him his being a Christian could guide his responses to me first at this time. He said I was saying he isn't a good Christian. What I meant was he could be more. Compassionate. It's next to impossible to communicate with him. He's always right. Ya this is already a loss--he lack of sensitivity and expression of caring."

This is simply unacceptable Butterflying, get rid of him. Shame on him for posing as a T, shame on his profession. And I am sorry, what kind of Christian is he? You didn't say he was a bad Christian yet he jumps on that angrily. I know Ts typically say that clients jump on what seems to be unsaid but he seems to be doing exactly that here. You are in pain, this is so raw for you and you are reaching out to him and this is his response?!

His initial reply to you seemed callous but he is not only being terribly terribly unprofessional but vicious. Please get rid of that man. He is despicable on so many levels (rubbish T and without an iota of compassion as a human being, or supposedly as a 'christian'). Shame on him.

He sounds defensive and judging and polarizing. I can't imagine how painful this is. I wonder what you are telling yourself about this.

Empathy is putting yourself in another's shoes. That is why I said Can you imagine if your wife passed away? I felt he was not empathetic so I wanted him to think about it. But apparently he thought I meant something else--what that was I can't imagine.

So you think that is the part where you think he misinterpreted you? I think that would be painful to be misinterpreted for something like that! I hear you making an analogy, not wishing for anything. Do you think if you hadn't said that, that this would have gone better?

Makes me wonder what kind of therapist he is? Is he an actual PHD??

I'm sure there are good, qualified Christian counselors out there, I want to be careful not to slam anyone's faith. But I am very wary of mixing medical care w/religion. Both have their place.

I'm telling myself that I can't do this anymore, that I could find someone with more compassion. I'm also telling myself that I won't forgive him for this one--it's too much, unacceptable. I think gee he should be there a little extra for a few weeks while I get on my feet. I just can't take it anymore.

His reaction, to me, seems completely bizarre, as if he is mad at you?

I hope you can find a compassionate T.

"I said: " i am hurt and disappointed. Strangers gave me more compassion. You said if you were sympathetic toward me it would be ok in the short term but not long term or unhealthy or something. I say what about being a Christian first. Would you want people to treat you like you treated me if your wife died suddenly ? Probably not. "

This is what you said earlier in the thread. Just clarifying what you told us earlier. It does sound different than what you are saying now.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I cannot begin to imagine the losses you are dealing with and I wish your therapist had provided you the support you were looking for. These kinds of losses are beyond imagination and so devastating. Focus on you and take care of yourself.

He's a phd. I just wanted him to be there for me it apparently he doesn't want to be.

There isn't anything wrong with you, something is up with this guy. Something is really wrong. Hugs! Wishing you support and care!

Exactly, all I read from your message to him was: 'hey T, i am in pain here, put yourself in my shoes (wife thing), help me'.

I didn't see you attacking his faith or being disrespectful towards his wife. At all. Just trying to elicit some compassion (which I feel you are entitled to atm). Just a cry for help.

Yet he blew a gasket?! Sorry, simply inexcusable.

Separateness... means you want him to be there in a certain way and he wants to be there in another way. Both are "right". But his lack of compassion and defensiveness seems exaggerated and I wonder what HIS issue is. (Some people do hide in their intellect, in reference to his 'being' a PhD. He's actually a person who achieved a PhD level of education...)

'm not sure that it's just because he doesn't want to be.....I think that he's INCAPABLE of being there.....which isn't a good thing for a Psychologist.

I have a wonderful psychologist & a wonderful psychologist who leads our DBT groups......both have helped me so much with my emotions & being able to understand them & help me handle them. I am sure they would have been there in so many ways that I had needed when I went through the death of my mother & the trauma I went through with the home care person. The psychologist I had at the time, my pdoc, my GP who was treating my anorexia all the stress caused & even the psychologist he called into the hospital to help me did nothing to help me with the emotions & horrible nightmares I was experiencing from the trauma.

The psychologists in my life now are so wonderful in helping & validating the emotions we all go through & they are there for all the patients (& it's just a community facility....something I would have never considered going to when I lived in California).

The thing is that you are not asking for him to treat you in that way long term.....but compassion at the time something so serious happens validates the seriousness of it & with time it transitions into the surviving support........the psychologist you are seeing seems to be incapable of compassion or dealing with emotions. You noticed it with the death of your mother & it's even more obvious now.........I would definitely not go back to him either.

Just a suggestion from my experience......the local hospice care had wonderful grief counseling for people who had not only a loss to cancer, but for people who had sudden losses in their lives as what you have experienced.......I went there but my problem was more with dealing with the trauma I went through & grief was something I never really processed with my mother because there was so much anger because if she hadn't been the way she was....we would have never had to have dealt with the trauma from the home care person......stuff I've been struggling with for the past 8 years.......but the hospice counselling seemed to have been wonderful for those who were really dealing with their grief.......might be a place you can go to while you are searching for a new psychologist.....(look for a psychologist that works with DBT....& you will find a psychologist who works well with emotions (just a thought).

My heart goes out to you & all that you have gone to especially the sudden loss of your husband. I have a friend who lost her husband suddenly & I know how much she still struggles with it at times.

Thank you for these replies. I appreciate your feedback and support. The last email I got was in all caps
"THIS IS THERAPY. I DON'T WANT TO DO THERAPY BY EMAIL. IF I DO NOT DO THERAPY BY EMAIL, YOU RECRMINATE ME FOR NOT BEING SENSITIVE AND RESPONSIVE."

I can't believe how intense he is. It wasn't the fact that he wasn't doing "therapy via email, but the fact that he wasn't being sensitive to the crisis I've been going through for the past week and a half. Not in person or via email. I think it might be true that he isn't capable of expressing emotion or compassion. He has said in the past he doesn't hug patients which is fine. He said some people don't like to be touched. He's said before when we did dbt that he isn't good on the phone--the calling therapist part of dbt didnt work well.

I think I'm done struggling with this man.

Butterflying, you have so much going on for you that having to deal with a cold critical and unsympathetic T is the last thing you need. Would you be able to go see a grief counsellor or even a new T, not necessarily to restart therapy but to get some support with your losses?

It does sound too like what's going on between you and T at the moment is taking over from your dealing with your losses, maybe that's a good thing in that it takes your mind off it? But your T doesn't sound like he's going to be in any way supportive and helpful at this point, so maybe you could look elsewhere for that support and come back to sort out your relationship with T later?

All the best ((((((((( Butterflying )))))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

From this and other threads, I think this T is not a good fit for you. The shouty caps are not appropriate.

People responding on this thread about how they would feel are forgetting that he is a T. At times, that means having your boundaries tested or being insulted.

I think you deserve much better.

wow. he is not helping you at all right now. i don't know if you're interested in trying another T, but if you are maybe look for someone who has a strong humanistic bent to their approach. unconditional positive regard and all that.

i am really sorry you're experiencing so many losses at once and your T is not helping. we are to "weep with those who weep".

His response is so angry and aggressive--I hope you find a caring T. This guy is making me angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Butterflying, I'm very sorry for your losses.

I'm also appealed at your therapist's behavior. While I post in the forum from a patient/client's perspective, I also am a therapist. I can't begin to tell you how unprofessional and inappropriate his responses have been to you. As a patient/client, it would hurt me so much if a therapist had behaved with me in the same way and as a therapist.... well, let me just say that someone would pretty much have to point a gun to my head to make me behave with my patients/clients they way he has behaved to you.

My guess is that your therapist received a very lousy training, was supervised by very lousy clinicians and/or hasn't worked through his own issues.

Regardless of how bad of a therapist he his, you have shared 10 years with him and it is a tremendous attachment. Termination will hurt, it is almost unavoidable, and I wish you support and strength as you ride this difficult storm.

And I think that is a wise decision. And please don't ever tell yourself that such disregard is in any way normal or acceptable. My kids teachers stepped up more than that when my mother died! Many hugs and best wishes to you.

Your T is very out of order, I am very sorry about your losses.

I can't imagine how hurt you must be by your T, I really hope that you do leave this T and find another T that can give you support and care that you deserve