To what extent is our relationship 'real'?

Should i treat her like we have a sort of friendship going on, or do I just regard her as a therapy dispensing automaton?

You have therapeutic relationship, an indescribable, unique and frustrating relationship which defies definition.

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

To what extent is our relationship 'real'?

Should i treat her like we have a sort of friendship going on, or do I just regard her as a therapy dispensing automaton?

My therapist is neither. It isn't nearly as black and white as you present it.

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It is a relationship... but a paid, professional relationship.

I will get dumped on, but the reality is, we are paying for a service. Most T's would not keep seeing us if the $$ ended.

Ts see 20-40 clients a week..... maybe more. It is their job.

The relationship with T is one-sided. It is all about us..... because it is their job and we pay them.

We don't pay friends, we don't pay partners.
Relationships with friends and partners are two-sided.
We know them and they know us. .... we never really know our Ts.

We relate to whatever we come in contact with. The relationship isn't about what you do together, more about the feelings you experience when in that persons presence.
I've known people for 30 odd yrs and they know less about me than T does. One doesn't have to do a certain thing or spend a certain length of time together. It's what happens in the moment.

It's their job and one day it will end so it isn't a real relationship.

[critterlady]

It is a real relationship. It cant really be compared to any other relationship you have, although there are parts of it that are similar.

It is unbalanced, to be sure, but you do matter to your T, even if only for that time you're in the office.

It's designed to be temporary, but can be one of the most intense relationships you'll ever have.

But, as BPA said above, it really does defy description. But it is a real relationship.

[pinkkeith]

Originally Posted by Tollhouse

.
It is a relationship... but a paid, professional relationship.

I will get dumped on, but the reality is, we are paying for a service. Most T's would not keep seeing us if the $$ ended.

Ts see 20-40 clients a week..... maybe more. It is their job.

The relationship with T is one-sided. It is all about us..... because it is their job and we pay them.

We don't pay friends, we don't pay partners.
Relationships with friends and partners are two-sided.
We know them and they know us. .... we never really know our Ts.

I do agree with this. It is a professional relationship between a therapist and his/her client. It is no different then the relationship you have with your medical doctor or your hair stylist. From this prospective, the relationship is "real", but it isn't the same as a friendship or a romantic relationship.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Tollhouse

.
It is a relationship... but a paid, professional relationship.

I will get dumped on, but the reality is, we are paying for a service. Most T's would not keep seeing us if the $$ ended.

Ts see 20-40 clients a week..... maybe more. It is their job.

The relationship with T is one-sided. It is all about us..... because it is their job and we pay them.

We don't pay friends, we don't pay partners.
Relationships with friends and partners are two-sided.
We know them and they know us. .... we never really know our Ts.

It's true that we don't pay our friends and partners $, but don't relationships of all kinds work best if each person is getting something from it? In my therapeutic relationship I was hung up for a long time on whether it was *real*. But along the way, enough tender care came my way that I finally realized that I can pay for her time and professional expertise, but there is no amount of money that can buy her heart. She's not my *friend *... but she definitely cares for me.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

It's their job and one day it will end so it isn't a real relationship.

Lots of relationships end for various reasons. Does that mean they weren't real?

There many kinds of real relationships. I think we sometimes get stuck in the mode that relationship must be a lover or best friend, but really, any interaction with others is a relationship of some sort. I have a working relationship with my co-workers, and some of them go further into a friendly relationship as we've known each other so long and care about each other more in just the work context. I teach and have a teacher/student relationship with my students that is certainly real. It isn't a friendship, but it is a close learning relationship where we care, explore, learn, joke around, and support in the context of the school and classroom.

I find my relationship with my therapist and my pdoc to be quite real, but quite unique to my mental health/healing aspect of life. Again, they aren't my friends and that wouldn't be appropriate, but they certainly know me quite intimately in ways than no actual friend or coworker or family member knows me.

Relationships are real within the context that they live. It is when we try to pull a relationship out of its natural context into a different and inappropriate context that problems arise.

[critterlady]

My T and I were just talking about this a couple of days ago. He said that while it's true (and appropriate) that he takes up a much bigger place in my life than I do in his, it's not true that is entirely one-sided (which I had commented that I thought it was). As Crescent said, he cares about me and not simply because I represent a source of income. He sees things that remind him of me. He wonders how I'm doing during the week.

No, we're not friends, but I do think it's different than my relationships with my physician or my hair stylist. Those are also real relationships, but they're defined by their own sets of conventions.

[Crescent Moon]

Well said, Critterlady. I know my own journey from not believing it was real to being certain it is real, and I'm wondering if difficulty with trust and abandonment issues play a large role?

I think it did in my case. So maybe my comfort with the relationahip being real despite the $ is b/c my trust and abandonment issues are largely healed.

Originally Posted by critterlady

n. He sees things that remind him of me. He wonders how I'm doing during the week

I wonder if T does this with me.

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

To what extent is our relationship 'real'?

Should i treat her like we have a sort of friendship going on, or do I just regard her as a therapy dispensing automaton?

Good question. For those who think it's not real, do you think T's are trained to fake it?

[stopdog]

I would think it would depend upon how tightly one defines the word relationship. I see the therapist as someone I pay because she (I certainly hope) has more knowledge about how to do therapy than I do and/or as rent for a very high placed space for me to try and work out some things and she sits there as the representative other human in the room. For me, relationship as a personal thing is not something I seek from a therapist. It is a professional situation. I don't actually think about whether the dentist and I have a relationship either - but I would be able to use the word if necessary in the same manner with regard to dentist, accountant or therapist.

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I don't think "caring" defines a "relationship." I care about starving children in Africa, but I don't have a relationship with them. I care about the soldiers fighting in other countries, but I don't have a relationship with them. "Caring" is only one piece of relationships among people. Relationships involve two-way interaction and sharing, being there for each other, not just a focus on one-person. Relationships ebb and flow... between supporting people.

The caring from a T is similar to other professional caring.
I think Ts stating otherwise is actually more damaging because it gives clients an idea that they are more important than the reality of the relationship.

Originally Posted by Michelle25

Good question. For those who think it's not real, do you think T's are trained to fake it?

Yes they are. They are trained to present unconditional acceptance and positive regard.
They use technique to build the relationship... such as restating what the client says to show empathetic understanding, mirroring of behaviors and speech, etc.

Can you imagine having the ability to work with a child sex abuser? A relationship there?

If you read the literature it says Ts need to find one thing to "like" about a client. They may not LIKE the client, but maybe they like the client's interest in art or the client's sense of humor.

The entire setting is fake.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by critterlady

It is a real relationship. It cant really be compared to any other relationship you have, although there are parts of it that are similar.

It is unbalanced, to be sure, but you do matter to your T, even if only for that time you're in the office.

It's designed to be temporary, but can be one of the most intense relationships you'll ever have.

But, as BPA said above, it really does defy description. But it is a real relationship.

Completely agree. Real relationship, but different than the norm.

[stopdog]

I admit I don't understand why it matters if it is a relationship or not or if the therapist cares or not. I don't see it as having any bearing on what the point of it is for me.
I don't see the therapist as a real person in my life and do not believe I am one in hers either. As far as fake or not - I generally believe the therapist acts in a way to try to manipulate the client.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by Tollhouse

Yes they are. They are trained to present unconditional acceptance and positive regard.
They use technique to build the relationship... such as restating what the client says to show empathetic understanding, mirroring of behaviors and speech, etc.

Can you imagine having the ability to work with a child sex abuser? A relationship there?

If you read the literature it says Ts need to find one thing to "like" about a client. They may not LIKE the client, but maybe they like the client's interest in art or the client's sense of humor.

The entire setting is fake.

What you said is true, but it's not FAKE. Some therapist purposely don't work with abusers because they can't find empathy for them - my former therapist told me that he was one of those such people who couldn't work with them because of his history with helping people who've been impacted by abuse.

But obviously some people can.

It's a real relationship. DIFFERENT, yes. But not fake. If every therapist was a huge fake, I think most clients would be able to tell and would just quit.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I admit I don't understand why it matters if it is a relationship or not or if the therapist cares or not. I don't see it as having any bearing on what the point of it is for me.

Many of us need to have a relationship with our T, and it "needs" to feel real. It's fine if you go to therapy for different reasons. Therapy is not "one size fits all".

I wish I could explain better why it matters, why my T is so important to me, and why it matters if she cares about me or not. One way to look at it is that she is there for me, supporting me unconditionally. She's also become a real person to me. It's both. It happens in therapy, not to everyone, but to many. I care about her and she cares about me. It feels good for it to be a real relationship in the context of therapy. I know it's going to end, but that doesn't make it less real. It is certainly NOT fake.

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I said THE SETTING IS FAKE.

It promotes the "relationship" --- private office, direct seating, comfortable atmosphere, focus on the client, quiet, calm, etc.

.

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

Lots of relationships end for various reasons. Does that mean they weren't real?

I had the "perfect" therapy relationship and it ended horribly and abruptly after seven years. I used to sit and say of course it's real and on and on, but no more. When you pay someone to do a service for you it isn't "real." It's a business to them and you pay for their advice and help or whatever. Ending one day really doesn't have anything to do with it being a relationship. I didn't word that well.

I also wanted to add that I admire and want to have stopdog's attitude toward therapy. I think it would have been a lot less painful for me that way. Realizing the truth before it was too late. I got crushed.

What does "real" mean anyway? I'm not even sure what that means.