Define what's a real relationship.

T's need money to survive. To pay rent & bills for their office space, loans for the training and education they've received, nevermind their personal expenses. I've had multiple T's and dietitians accept just a fraction of their usual fee to see me, completely eat the costs on some things, and never charge me for the frequent out-of-session contact I needed at certain points. And one T I saw through the university for no fee; obviously the school paid her, but I didn't pay her directly for a year of weekly group and individual sessions (though I imagine a fee was in my tuition & fee bill somewhere). I saw my current T nearly a month ago and still haven't paid for that session, because I can't afford to yet. When I do, she'll be charging me less than half of her usual fee. I will pay her and want to pay her because she is a great T, and I realize she rents that office space on Friday afternoons from someone else just to see me.

I've also seen the fire in a T's eyes not at me, but at the illness gripping me and I KNOW she cares. My current and my former Ts have shown me, time and time again, that they truly care. They deserve so much thanks for all their help to me, and I'll gladly pay up. That does not, for a second, mean any of that is fake.

Some people may have had bad experiences, others may be trying to protect themselves emotionally, but I think some people are just being cynical. My T relationships have been and are very real, and my mentoring relationships with my kids are also real- money or not.

deleted, since I have no longer chance to explain myself and clear accusations that were and may be made, being put on ignore.

let's say I disagree with OP's definition of "real".

I don't think it's about money, and I think prostitution is the opposite of therapy. A prostitute sells her body and keeps her mind and emotions to herself. Therapy is the opposite.

To see the money as a sign that the relationship isn't "real" is to see the money as something you give to your T and not as money you are spending on yourself. I believe I have a relationship with my T, and that I have had meaningful relationships with other professionals e.g. lecturers at university. When I taught part-time at a uni, I cared about my students. I did not care because I was paid. I was simply paid to be there. I cared because I am human.

I would fully expect my T to terminate the relationship if I stopped paying him. Paying him is my side of the deal. It's the only thing I have to do apart from turning up. I have no issue with that.

Jumping on a plane doesn't make a relationship real. A codependent would kill themselves to be involved I someone's crisis.
People really have a confused idea of what 'real' means

The money has never really bothered me that much. As rabbit indicated, all relationships have their give and take. All relationships have their boundaries.

What matters to me, and defines a real relationship, is the way I feel. I am fond of my therapists, both past and present. I think they are good, kind people.

I think they are fond of me, but I'm not entirely sure that it even matters.

They feel what they feel, as do I.

I fully agree that the exchange of money is not the deciding factor in whether or not a relationship is real. And, while I think a real relationship certainly can develop between domestic workers and their employers and between prostitues and (long-term) clients, I think the material circumstances are so different that it makes for an uneasy comparison. While there are certainly some who choose domestic labor and prostitution, they are not first-choice careers for most in these professions. Rather, most enter these professions out of a lack of other options (socioeconomic need, lack of education, non-transferable degrees, or lack of money for education, immigration status, racial/gender inequalities, response to childhood trauma, etc). After all, it should be pointed out that the vast majority of theses jobs are performed by lower-class women. These jobs are not sought after and they carry very little cultural capital (respect, public esteem, professional organizations, etc). In sharp contrast, most therapists sought out their professions, went through extensive education and training, come from more privileged backgrounds (socioeconomic class and racial/national/gender status), and there are professional organizations and modes of acknowledging and rewarding achievement in the field. Often, therapists are of a higher socioeconomic status that many of their clients, as opposed to the other way around. Can you imagine offering your hand-me-downs to your therapist? While money certainly does not buy caring, being in a profession you have chosen, enjoy, and gin self-worth and identification through certainly helps. Not having to worry about immigration status, being hungry, having a home, having the ability to support your family , and feeling safe at work also helps therpists put their own needs on hold during session so that they can focus on caring for and helping their clients. I'm not suggesting that care cannot develop in these other relationships. I'm just suggesting that it is so much more complicated.

That's it in a nutshell. It's how we feel. We can never be sure 100% of another. But our feelings are a good indicator. I think those that are hung on Monies are projecting their own meanness of heart.

Can I just throw out there - how about parents who just put up with you because they feel they have to? So as not to be even more shamed and embarrassed by their peers. I totally feel/felt like an obligation. This rs was unreal, that's why I'm in t. To feel like I'm entitled, as a human, to feel. Not as decided by some crazy people I happen to be related to. So what's real?

Yup! True dat.

[QUOTE=ultramar;3351450]I know this is a bit off topic, but a lot of the patients I work with are cleaning ladies. I just think that the often huge chasm of socioeconomic class between family & maids makes the relationship unique. One of the main differences between paying T's and paying maids, is that, if you drop your cleaning lady, that lack of income may mean not being able to pay her rent and/or feeding her children (hence, also she may be far more obsequious than others one pays, much less a therapist), whereas if you quit a therapist, it's unlikely to cause such economic and familial upheaval (they're not so dependent on you). What I'm trying to say is that the extent of dependence of cleaning ladies on those who pay them is light years away from therapists' dependence on the one paycheck, and this really changes the dynamic. It doesn't mean there can't be real caring there, it's just... different.

I think these points you made are important. Also, another perspective is the perspective of a child of hired help. The baby or child doesn't understand that the caregiver is paid, the baby or child is just dependent on the caregiver. So to the child it's the only real relationship they've known. I'm thinking of the movie The Help, where the caregiver, who is a slave at first if I remember right, really loves the child and the child loves her. The caregiver then is forced to leave by the real parents and it's very traumatic for her to leave the child, but probably most traumatic for the toddler.

I think those are good points. And another perspective on the effect of having higher socioeconomic status came across in a recent article in the New York Times. It reported on a psychological study of some sort showing that poorer people have more empathy. The article argued that this was because poorer people have to rely on other people for informal help more than rich people do, so poorer people have to develop more empathy. So, as you said, therapists may be able to put their needs on hold to care more genuinely about their clients, but they also may be able to detach themselves from genuine caring more easily, since more genuine caring isn't necessarily required of them after their scheduled sessions are finished. I don't think that's the case with all therapists, but I'm thinking of a funny novel by Yalom where it clearly was the case for one of the therapist characters. For cleaning ladies and prostitutes, a more constant and genuine ability to tune into others needs may be more of a way of life. As with therapists, ability to tune in could be used in a manipulative way or in a genuinely caring way. I agree with your point that real, caring relationships can sometimes evolve between cleaning ladies, prostitutes, and their clients.