[Asiablue]

I feel ashamed for having needs and i hate asking for help, i was talking about this in therapy today and my therapist asked me if i would ask her for what i needed and i told her no, never.

But now i'm wondering what would i even need from her in the first place? What needs does she expect me to want from her or that she can fulfil? I genuinely have no idea what she meant when she said that?

[stopdog]

I requested another appointment one time because I had something untoward occur and it did not go badly and the therapist was even, if oddly, happy I did. I sometimes call and tell the woman things I would not tell anyone else but need to tell someone so I can go function like an adult, and I ask her not to call me back, because I don't want a conversation, I just want it away so I can function. I have asked her to cancel if her dog is going to be at her office because I do not want to drive all the way over there to find out the dog is there. Sometimes I ask her to just not talk. I want to tell her something and I need for her to make no response. For me, it is that sort of thing.

[Asiablue]

i can probably ask for simple things like, can i open a window, turn heating down or ask for a glass of water or something but asking her to fulfill some emotional need? That gives me the fear *shudder*

[feralkittymom]

I totally get the fear, or the complete shut-down about such needs even existing. But I found that following those needs took therapy to an entirely different level that I couldn't have predicted--didn't know existed--before. I remember that I kept wondering, is this what people in normal families feel?

[ScrewedUpMe]

For me, it has been things like asking for clarification if T has confused me or I don't understand something (a small thing I know, but still hard for me!), letting her know how something she has said made me feel, i.e reminded me of my mum etc. and now more recently, asking for a hug. That has taken me 7 years to do! She has said numerous times that she just wants to give me a big hug when I am upset and I have always ignored it until now. That was a BIG deal for me to ask for

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

For me, it has been things like asking for clarification if T has confused me or I don't understand something (a small thing I know, but still hard for me!), letting her know how something she has said made me feel, i.e reminded me of my mum etc. and now more recently, asking for a hug. That has taken me 7 years to do! She has said numerous times that she just wants to give me a big hug when I am upset and I have always ignored it until now. That was a BIG deal for me to ask for

I am so pleased you asked for that hug. I can relate to needing one and being unable and too afraid to ask for that and other things. Well done. This gives me hope!

[Favorite Jeans]

It turns out I really want cup of tea from mine. Recent discovery--who knew?

Maybe it will become clearer for you with time. Often it really crystallizes when you didn't get what you needed from T and in examining your anger (or whatever feeling) about the session you realize what you were actually hoping for. Bringing this up with T gives them a chance to give you what you need.

The first time this happened for me, I sent T an email telling her it was too hard for me to leave things the way we'd left them (her not getting it, me devastated) and she gave me an appointment the next day after her last client when she normally goes home. We had a really helpful session about it which gave me a few things I really needed: an extra session, an apology, a sincere interest in what I was feeling, a willingness to take responsibility for whatever was causing her to have trouble understanding in the first place and a sense that I was important to her.

[granite1]

I would find it difficult to ask for simple things like open the window or close it .or any thng like that . I did ask to change my day once but omg it took me almost a year to work up to asking her. I also asked her if she would take me back after I quit on her once and refused to go for 3 weeks

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by granite1

I would find it difficult to ask for simple things like open the window or close it .or any thng like that . I did ask to change my day once but omg it took me almost a year to work up to asking her. I also asked her if she would take me back after I quit on her once and refused to go for 3 weeks

i used to really struggle with that stuff too, not just with T either but i'm definitely better at feeling ok about asking for practical things. But anything to do with emotional needs.... yuck. I still don't know what needs she could fulfil. I suppose i might have to ask her what she meant? If i have the courage to.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

i used to really struggle with that stuff too, not just with T either but i'm definitely better at feeling ok about asking for practical things. But anything to do with emotional needs.... yuck. I still don't know what needs she could fulfil. I suppose i might have to ask her what she meant? If i have the courage to.

im just wondering what would you consider an emotional need . to me it seems like if a T is filling anybody's emotional needs it is a boundary breach .

[boredporcupine]

I used to be really scared of this stuff, too. My past self of two years ago would be astonished to see me now sitting next to T on the couch with her arm around me! The first time she sat on the couch with me (not even touching) was so scary, but now it feels really good and even relaxing.

[Bill3]

I suppose i might have to ask her what she meant? If i have the courage to.

This sounds good to me. If you decide that you want to do this, you can do it!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

I used to be really scared of this stuff, too. My past self of two years ago would be astonished to see me now sitting next to T on the couch with her arm around me! The first time she sat on the couch with me (not even touching) was so scary, but now it feels really good and even relaxing.

so how did you get to that stage?

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by granite1

im just wondering what would you consider an emotional need . to me it seems like if a T is filling anybody's emotional needs it is a boundary breach .

This is what i'm not entirely clear on. I *think* an emotional need would maybe be like asking for the T to sit next to you if you want that or being able to tell her that something she did/does annoys you and ask her not to or if you need them to respond to you in a certain way???

But right now i can't imagine what my therapist could do that she isn't already as the role of therapist. To me being a therapist is about meeting needs to an extent so if she's doing her job properly then mostly my needs should be met. And any other needs i might have can't be met by her anyway so what's the point in asking? My goodness this confuses me lol

[purplemystery]

I had a cold and my nose was running, so I had to work up the courage to ask my T if she had any tissues. Since I look down at the floor the whole session and don't move, I couldn't look around for any, and I would be afraid to just grab one even if I knew where they were. My T understood that and was really nice about it. She got up and placed the whole box right next to me, and then she moved the trash can close to me. It felt like she was taking care of me. It was difficult to ask for this though, so in that sense I know what you mean.

[Perna]

I don't think needs can be all one thing or another; hence why some people have trouble asking for water, to use the bathroom, kleenex, and other things. We are a package deal, not just intellectual/practical or just emotional/feelings, or just body. I believe our head (intellectual) and heart (emotions/feelings) work together to figure out what our actions should be and "admitting" you are too hot, cold, thirsty, "need" anything at all that someone else may/may not supply, can be quite emotional?

When we "need" we are vulnerable. The trick is to be able to allow one's self to be vulnerable and that's a continuum from needing to cry and allowing one's self to in front of another to asking the other how they feel about our crying, silence, our behavior and how we affect them personally and whether they will help us with something specific we want from that person (answering a question, giving a hug/other support or reassurance, accepting what they offer (saying "yes, I would like that" instead of an automatic "no" because we are frightened; staying "open" to the relationship)).

I use to not understand very much because I had had no experience but I pretended like I knew, did a lot of reading; not knowing the answer made me very anxious but I would not ask for help understanding, would not ask questions, as then the other person would know how ignorant I was. I "took" from other people instead of asking for what I wanted, assumed things instead of asking and checking if it was true or not. My T said it was like I was at a picnic with her and taking food off the table when I did not think she was looking

[Asiablue]

My T said it was like I was at a picnic with her and taking food off the table when I did not think she was looking [/QUOTE]

lol that's cute!

I'm still confused about it all, and mostly confused about what my T's expectations are in respect to needs!

I think 'needs' are sometimes confused with 'wants'.
I needed to be heard & respected. T did/does that.
Wanting hugs or windows closed are not needs.

[boredporcupine]

so how did you get to that stage?

It took a long time, and we just worked up to it gradually. First it was being able to talk about what was going on with me, then making a little eye contact, shaking hands, asking for a hug, sitting on opposite end of the couch, etc.

I was just thinking this morning that I used to resist T meeting too much of my needs. Partly I was afraid it would make me want more than I could have. Another thing is I thought it wasn't her role and if she met my needs, then I wouldn't be motivated to get things for myself or look to other people in my life. As it turns out that has not been true. The more I have let in what my T was willing to offer, the stronger I have felt to reach for things in other areas of my life.

[granite1]

my T doesn't even have a couch

[IndestructibleGirl]

I have only just admitted to/ acknowledged having "needs" in the emotional sense at all. After a weird therapy dream I sent my T a message at 2am saying I needed her, at this time of my life, this therapeutic relationship was something I need to help me deal with all my tangles. Was a big deal for me, but I have not died from shame yet Actually it was kind of liberating to go **** it, I do have needs, whatever. This probably doesn't make a great deal of sense! But for a while I've convinced myself I need nothing, that all I have are wants and so it doesn't matter if I don't nourish myself emotionally.

Still don't really know what my needs are yet, but at least I can cope with the fact they do exist.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

It turns out I really want cup of tea from mine. Recent discovery--who knew?

Maybe it will become clearer for you with time. Often it really crystallizes when you didn't get what you needed from T and in examining your anger (or whatever feeling) about the session you realize what you were actually hoping for. Bringing this up with T gives them a chance to give you what you need.

The first time this happened for me, I sent T an email telling her it was too hard for me to leave things the way we'd left them (her not getting it, me devastated) and she gave me an appointment the next day after her last client when she normally goes home. We had a really helpful session about it which gave me a few things I really needed: an extra session, an apology, a sincere interest in what I was feeling, a willingness to take responsibility for whatever was causing her to have trouble understanding in the first place and a sense that I was important to her.

Wow! Your T sounds amazing. This is exactly what you needed (the extra session at that time). She sounds awesome and very in tune with her clients needs. It sounds like you have an excellent T relationship.

[feralkittymom]

I don't think needs and wants are so clearly separate, nor the same in every relationship. Closing a window may seem like a simple want related to physical comfort; but for someone who has never been accorded physical comfort, or whose physical discomfort has never been recognized, such wants can carry important unspoken needs. And the ability to request that a window be closed, or taking action to do it, may very well meet a need for recognition that is productive.

I think that it's important that needs be expressed and met in therapy, but they may not be met in the way they are envisioned. When I wanted to be held in therapy, I was expressing a need for nurturing, protection, and containment. My T wouldn't meet that want in the physical way I envisioned, but he did meet the underlying needs in other ways. Perhaps being alert to what we want can be a path to recognizing and expressing unconscious needs.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I don't think needs and wants are so clearly separate, nor the same in every relationship. Closing a window may seem like a simple want related to physical comfort; but for someone who has never been accorded physical comfort, or whose physical discomfort has never been recognized, such wants can carry important unspoken needs. And the ability to request that a window be closed, or taking action to do it, may very well meet a need for recognition that is productive.

I think that it's important that needs be expressed and met in therapy, but they may not be met in the way they are envisioned. When I wanted to be held in therapy, I was expressing a need for nurturing, protection, and containment. My T wouldn't meet that want in the physical way I envisioned, but he did meet the underlying needs in other ways. Perhaps being alert to what we want can be a path to recognizing and expressing unconscious needs.

very well said. I could never ask my T to open or close a window although she has asked lol I just shrug.

and omg shudder at the thought of her being nurturing or tough

[skysblue]

When I first began therapy, I'm embarrassed to admit, I did not believe my needs, if I had any,were important or needed fulfillment. The only need I recognized was to keep everyone happy. When my T suggested that I had needs too and that they also deserved attention, I rejected the idea. It seemed selfish to attend to what I might need.

Since then, after months of internal work, I now know it is essential to embrace the fact that we have needs. To acknowledge this is a big step in gaining some emotional equilibrium. And to find ways to satisfy our needs is not necessarily selfish or indulgent.

When we see that some of our dysfunctional reactions stem from needs not being met, we can better work to resolve the problems in our lives that this lack can cause.

My T fulfills a host of my needs - acceptance, affection, compassion, consistency, empathy, respect, support, understanding, trust, warmth, authenticity, integrity, presence, etc. I am known by her; I am seen by her. These things I need to experience, to feel.

The above needs I listed are from a needs inventory developed by Marshall Rosenberg of Nonviolent (Compassionate) Communication.

For the complete list of needs, look here:

"The following list of needs is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people."

Needs Inventory | The Center for Nonviolent Communication