Therapist fulfilling needs?

Sky, not only are those needs important and I think appropriately met in therapy, there is research that indicates that this experience over time creates new synapses in the brain--much like the developement created in infants through stimulation. We become able to respond differently because we truly are different.

Ah yes, the old Kleenex thing. I often forget there are Kleenex when I'm crying at T's. With three separate T's, the first time I cry, they will normally hand me a Kleenex. After that, they expect me to take care of it myself. No problem.

But I go to a T now and be previously who do not offer a trash can to put the used ones in. I don't understand that. I mean they know some of their clients are going to cry and I get tired of stuffing used, nasty tissues in either my pocket of purse.

When my T asked me that question, I didn't know what she meant either. I've always been self-sufficient, etc. After about 1 year of seeing her, it became clear to me that it wasn't about her filling an emotional need (like love, acceptance) in me, it was about my ability to be vulnerable enough to admit I needed something (emotional or otherwise). It's not the result of asking (which is what you're talking about -love, acceptance, empathy), it is THE ASKING itself. IMO the very act of asking begins the healing process. For me, it took down the walls I put up between me and other people to avoid getting hurt. If I never ask, no one can ever say no, and therefore no one can ever hurt me. So, again in my experience, i think it doesn't matter what you are asking for, like many others here have said - open a window, change a date, tell me you care - it is the asking that's part of the therapeutic process. That's what I've learned. I hope that helps. I can a absolutely relate to the question you are asking. I only wish that I knew about this forum 6 years ago!

I respectfully, fully disagree.

I'm not sure that I agree. I think if a therp didn't feel some type of emotional need (parental, friend, confessor) then there would not be a relationship with them that would be productive for some. I admit two of my therps in the past provided me a maternal role to cling to when I really needed it. I'll always be grateful for that. But to do that properly I do think boundaries are essential.

My current therp is younger than me, but I feel comfortable with her. Do not feel a maternal bond but I think she's wonderful because she treats me with respect and dignity and was interested in finding out how to treat me when working with me. She is caring and compassionate and respects my boundaries as much as I respect hers. She does not try to tell me what to do, only gives her opinion if I ask for it and just tries to guide me in thinking for myself and making decisions in my best interests. Her style had made me feel like a competent adult for the first time in years.

This is such a good question, is it a boundary breach to fill an emotional need.

I remember telling my long-term t back in the 80's that I didnt know what I could ask for. All I needed was a referral to an accountant! She knew one who had been a psychology major in college, so perfect for me but I thought I couldn't ask her. Anyway, I think the problem was more transference - I wasn't asking my t for help because I could never ask my family for any kind of practical help. So resolving that tiny bit of transference came with filling an emotional need - knowing I could depend on someone for help? If I asked?

I was going to write at the beginning - ts filling a need is like a crutch - we need it and use it for a while, but eventually we walk on our own.

I honestly don't know how psychodynamic therapy could be healing without filling at least some emotional needs. What is the alternative? Merely exploring the needs can certainly lead to insight, and that's valuable, but different from healing. There are some needs that can be met by a client's initiative, but others would be difficult if not impossible or inappropriate to meet through those in a client's life. I think there's already way too much of trying to get others to meet needs inapropriately in life. Haven't we all had the experience of a friend or family member trying to meet a need inappropriately through us? With a competent T, such needs can be met within healthy boundaries.

But how do i know which ones she's willing to meet? How can i be this clueless about needs and boundaries? Geez.

Lolz. They did a good job, our raisers, didn't they? My mother even admitted that she hated when I asked for anything, because then she felt obligated to give it to me. But I think that only applied to cash money. Anything else I was on my own. We went to exactly one movie together when I was in college (I lived at home). She refused to go see Fiddler on the Roof with me. Anyway, the answer to your question, in t and IRL, is we have to ask. Everybody asks. Like everybody poops!

Great, there's a conversation i can't wait to have