[sweepy62]

Hi, I had not a good week with memories and intrusive images from past trauma, but it gets worse. I drank twice this week but not much, just to feel ok.My friend invited me to her dads house out in the country where he lives, for a cookout on saturday. We got there at about noonish. We ate, drank I was having some fun.

There were many family members all of them were basically much older than us, as the hours went by, only one guy stayed and we had been talking most of the day, this man must have been 68 yrs old, he had been paying me compliments all day, he had been drinking as well, I didnt mind the compliments or hugs being as he is a much older guy ( grandfather like). My friend went to get more beer, I had been drinking but not drunk, just mellow. My friends dad went into kitchen to clean up, I stayed outside with this man, so he started to hug me and he gently took my face and kissed me on the lips and started to hug me and rub my back. At this point I guess I should have told him off, ran off
called him pervert, but I didnt do any of that, I just didnt mind, which makes me feel so disgustingly dirty.

As the night went by we sat inside on the couch with my friend and her dad to watch tv and I had my head on his shoulder. Suddenly I had chills my stomach turned I started having intrusive memories, I ran to bathroom, I threw up, I washed up and was better. I just sat on the bathroom floor feeling lost like a child.

I wanted to be alone, I was scared, he walked in , he said he was sad I got sick and he crouched on the floor by my side, he was touching me all over and I just sat there like I was not even there. It was only like five minutes I guess. he left.

I went to the couch now it was bed time, my friend was next to me on the recliner. All hell broke loose flashbacks were horrible, my friend said I was curled in a ball and had a voice of a little kid and like trying to cry like a little kid saying no no get away. My friend said she held me and grounded me until I fell asleep. I remember her holding my hands and telling me to breath.

I FEEL HORRIBLY DISGUSTING AND SHAMEFUL AND DIRTY. I dont see t till wednesday. please help me process this.

[Syra]

That sounds like a lot of stuff came up for you, you numbed yourself. And it was really hard and painful and scary. And it sounds like you had a good friend with you. And you were able to remember it and tell what happened to you.

And now you have to wait until Wed to see your T. I would hate the waiting part too.

I'm not hearing what happened that you should feel shame about, but I understand and accept that it made you feel that way. I imagine that is very hard.

[gayleggg]

Hi, Sweepy. I'm not knowledgable on how to help but wanted to let you know I read your post and feel just horrible for you. You must really feel confused.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Syra

That sounds like a lot of stuff came up for you, you numbed yourself. And it was really hard and painful and scary. And it sounds like you had a good friend with you. And you were able to remember it and tell what happened to you.

And now you have to wait until Wed to see your T. I would hate the waiting part too.

I'm not hearing what happened that you should feel shame about, but I understand and accept that it made you feel that way. I imagine that is very hard.

the shame is coming from past csa

[Syra]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

the shame is coming from past csa

I wasn't sure if you felt shame from the past, or from what happened last week-end. I can totally understand feeling shame although I don't agree you did anything shameful. But I can understand it feeling that way.

It sounds like you, or your body, was able to figure out how to stop things. And you found some ways to soothe yourself. And had a good friend who could help you. Is it like that?

[BonnieJean]

It sounds like you were triggered big time by the circumstances this weekend. I'm sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like you handled in ways you felt you could. What do you think t will do and say on wednesday that will be comforting and helpful? Sometimes imaginging that helps me comfort myself

[Favorite Jeans]

Hey sweepy I think most of us have hooked up with people and later regretted it. And many of us with histories of CSA have been flooded with horrible memories and flashbacks during sexual encounters. You didn't do anything wrong now or as a child. I don't know if this is at all comforting but you're definitely not alone.

[sweepy62]

Thanks favorite jeans , I just feel so disgusting ATM . Thank you for responding.

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[sweepy62]

Thank you everyone for your response they mean alot to me.

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[growlycat]

Getting attention from an older guy can be alluring and confusing. I'm sorry it triggered so much.