[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi guys,

I need some advice from you lovely people.

I have been seeing T for many years now...we have got closer over the years and more comfortable with each other. She moved at the beginning of the year and since then I have been driving 2 hours to see her and doing double sessions. The problem is...I think I may be outgrowing how much she can help me. And it's a HUGE time and financial commitment for me not to be getting more out of it. Don't get me wrong, T has been great and so supportive of me, but I feel I am manipulating her unintentionally into believing that my behaviours are ok. I seem to have convinced her of the reasons I SI and she is sort of okay with it. When I told her yesterday about how incredibly dependent I am on my husband and how he is on call for me 24/7, that I need his reassurance day and night about every single thing, T managed again to normalize it for me. I know she is trying to make me feel better but is that really going to help me? It's not teaching me any skills to become less dependent, it is keeping me stuck and making me feel like it is okay to be like I am. I actually needed her yesterday to tell me that it ISN'T normal and that I need to find ways to deal with things independently. So she normalized it and that was pretty much dealt with, then the awkward silence because I didn't know what else to say and felt like I shouldn't have come etc. It's just such a financial burden right now and I need to be moving forward and learning new skills. I could do alot with that money to make myself feel better which is all T is doing right now.

So what do I do? Do I just take a break from T? Should I be honest with T and talk about terminating or basically ask her to step up and can she really help me with this? I know that if I were to face a crisis in my life, T would probably be the first person I run to because she is good at comforting. Problem is, I'm not sure she is good enough at the rest.

Any advice/insights much appreciated.

SuM

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

So what do I do? Do I just take a break from T? Should I be honest with T and talk about terminating or basically ask her to step up and can she really help me with this? I know that if I were to face a crisis in my life, T would probably be the first person I run to because she is good at comforting. Problem is, I'm not sure she is good enough at the rest.

Any advice/insights much appreciated.

SuM

I have been in a similar situation with having a comforting therapist and not being sure if they are also helping me in more concrete ways. I can appreciate what a huge commitment it is to travel and spend this way!

My suggestion is to discuss this with her directly, maybe print this post and use it as a guide for the conversation. I also suggest exploring a plan B. A different style of therapist closer to home, or some other concrete support structure to help you both evaluate where you are and what you have now, and to transition into if you decide to leave your current t.

Good luck!

[Daeva]

I think your first step is to bring this up with your T! Be open and honest with her on how you feel about this and see what she says! I know there have been times with my T where she wasn't doing somethign helpful and i pointed it out, so between sessions she did a bit of research for me and came back with a new approach. She may just need to be told what is and isn't working for you so she's aware of how to help you.

[Petra5ed]

The problem is...I think I may be outgrowing how much she can help me. And it's a HUGE time and financial commitment for me not to be getting more out of it.

My thought is you should quit. You can always go back to your T if things are not working out and you feel it was a mistake. If you feel like you're outgrowing her I think that's totally plausible, it happens. You should talk to your therapist about it first though, she might have a different view that's worth hearing out.

I seem to have convinced her of the reasons I SI and she is sort of okay with it. When I told her yesterday about how incredibly dependent I am on my husband and how he is on call for me 24/7, that I need his reassurance day and night about every single thing, T managed again to normalize it for me. I know she is trying to make me feel better but is that really going to help me?

I just want to present another possible reason your T could be using this strategy with you. If perhaps you are very critical of yourself and are beating yourself up over SI and dependency, many schools of thought would say that must be addressed first. Sometimes these issues can be the result of feeling a low self-worth. There would be absolutely no good of your T making you feel even worse about it because the underlying problem is that you feel so bad about yourself. She might be trying to show you the kind of unconditional positive regard you should show yourself, i.e. by allowing yourself to feel dependent and be ok with feeling that way, observe the feeling, perhaps try to understand why you feel that way, what in your past might have led to this defense, without judging the feeling as good or bad. I don't know about SI except in the broader sense of doing bad stuff to myself, but I know about dependency. I'm also not a therapist, so this is just my uneducated opinion.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I just want to present another possible reason your T could be using this strategy with you. If perhaps you are very critical of yourself and are beating yourself up over SI and dependency, many schools of thought would say that must be addressed first. Sometimes these issues can be the result of feeling a low self-worth. There would be absolutely no good of your T making you feel even worse about it because the underlying problem is that you feel so bad about yourself. She might be trying to show you the kind of unconditional positive regard you should show yourself, i.e. by allowing yourself to feel dependent and be ok with feeling that way, observe the feeling, perhaps try to understand why you feel that way, what in your past might have led to this defense, without judging the feeling as good or bad. I don't know about SI except in the broader sense of doing bad stuff to myself, but I know about dependency. I'm also not a therapist, so this is just my uneducated opinion.

Thank you SO much for this. That totally makes sense. So maybe T just needs to hear from me that I am ready now to be challenged more and that I can take it. Perhaps she may change tactics. Thanks, that was really helpful.