How can I improve my therapy?

Has anyone experienced this? I feel very frustrated with therapy right now and it's starting to feel really hard almost like I won't be able to do it. I'm unable to open up although I desperately want to connect with my T, like my mind won't let me feel emotions when I'm not safely alone (and even then I can and do completely turn off mentally via obsessing I've discovered). I'm petrified of embarrassing myself I guess, but why? It's kind of ridiculous because I feel like my mind blanks as if I'm in junior high giddy with a crush. Suddenly I am very self conscious and uncomfortable even though I shouldn't be (er?), I have a good T and trust them. The stuff that's on my mind is all rather humiliating so that is a big factor too I know. I just feel agitated and frustrated with myself. Why cant I muster the courage to tell this person I'm paying to listen to me? In contrast I could cry with my previous T. In fact that's all I did, but therapy was a downer and I didn't really have much feeling for her. I also never told her humiliating stuff, didn't even consider it, but I could cry.

I'm not sure that therapy always has to be about emotions. I mean we can't really stay away from emotions because they show no matter what. But there are other ways to talk during therapy besides diving into the depths of things.

If you do want to go there, some people find that using writing is one way to get stuff out and going and feels safer because it is contained. It doesn't have to be spoken aloud either. And you can always stop any discussion if you don't want to continue.

I agree with Archipelago, I also wanted to mention I have found, from productive and non-productive therapeutic relationships I've had, that pushing myself to disclose something hard hasn't always helped me. The feeling that I have to 'perform' - that I have to share X amount, or talk about Y horrible topic did not empower me in the end, it made me go against my better judgement.

I believe, for me, it's best to wait until it feels right and I feel safe in many cases, to talk about certain things. Yes, I do push a bit sometimes, but there are lots of things you can approach in therapy perhaps that might help you, without having to go into a major disclosure about something mortifying all at once immediately.

Perhaps your therapeutic relationship needs more development? Perhaps you need some more work on how to feel safer or more comfortable within yourself to handle your disclosure? Perhaps you need to pick something tiny to start with and go from there? Just a few ideas, I'm not sure what'll work best, but I do know the feeling you're having.

Another great idea I've often heard is just to print your post and take it to your therapist. Great conversation starter.

Can you try journaling? Or writing something, like what you're feeling/past experiences and read them to your T?

Those inner obsessions are a bi**h. I think in order overcome them you need to be able to talk to someone about them, even if it is only yourself. That voice is a constant reminder to you on a millisecond basis that something doesn't feel right, I know. But you need to find something to helps you calm your mind and allows you to focus on something other than those thoughts.

Actually, I've been in therapy for over 20 years and there are things I have found too humiliating to talk to anyone about. If there is something I feel the need to speak of, I will usually write about it and give it to my therp. Then we can discuss it.

Ugh! I had one therp I did that to and she would make me read out loud to her so I could 'own' it. BS. Did not like that at all.

In a sense, telling will change everything. You have not told, have defended the way you do for so long, changing is very hard!

Treat it like you would any other habit, say, smoking or over-eating. You have to not smoke "this" cigarette, not eat this item. Telling is the same, tell one little thing in your mind and see what happens, how you feel, whether you can then tell the next, etc.