Trademark Sayings of your (words that you say at almost every Therapy Session)

I often used to say, "It doesn't matter" or "But it doesn't matter." We realized that it was an expression of hopelessness that really meant "I don't matter." And like many others, I'd say "I don't know," usually in regards to feeling states that I couldn't put a name to, rather than thinking issues. That confusion was very real as emotions often weren't correctly labeled growing up and were constantly invalidated.

"Word." Lol I say that whenever she goes on a rant. She just says it back and laughs. Lol.

Also, "suuuuuure." And "I dunno" and "I'm over it"

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I say "I know, but....." I hear myself saying that a lot.

I also say "I don't know", and I'm pretty sure I say "like" and "um" a lot, but I'm not conscious of those words.

"That's a good question."

"Good point."

"I never thought of it that way."

"You're right."

Hmm, didn't realize I was quite so acquiescent until just now.

"I don't know"

Here are 2 articles written about that.

In the Room: What to Say to: I Don't Know

What does "I don't know" mean in therapy? - Jupiter Center for Growth and Healing

Thanks moxie they are very enlightening!

"Shut up, T"

and

" I don't condone it, but these are my thoughts"

"It doesn't matter" and "Sorry". I apologise much less frequently now than I used to, though. T once counted fifteen apologies from me in 45 minutes, right at the beginning of therapy with him. I also say "I don't know" a lot. It means "I don't know how I am supposed to answer that question, what I ought to say." I'm scared stiff of saying the wrong thing. But, again, I'm getting away from that fear, very slowly.

The one thing I always say when t asks be how I am feeling, I reply with " I don't know, I feel strange" I have problems naming emotions and feelings

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"Sorry" is probably the word i use most often.
Initially it's in the "I'm sorry, can you repeat that please" way.

Then it is an apology for needing a something repeated due to my inability to concentrate and completely switching off when he is talking.
Then its another apology because i feel like switching off and not being able to hear him like I do is really rude.

Then when I've finally managed to listen, and got the message/question, there's the final apology for my response/answer which is usually "ummmmm I dunno.....I'm sorry"

I hope he doesn't notice it or bring up my constant use of "sorry".
I'll probably develop some form apologising tourettes.
"I'm sorry, sorry I shouldn't have said sorry. Sorry i said sorry again, sorry. Sorry"

Whenever my T mentions a positive little change, I will say either 'Yes, but...' or 'I don't know'...

I used to say, "...but it doesn't matter." And, "...but that's just life" a lot. My T would very quickly swoop in and ask me where I'd heard those phrases before. Once he told me he believed someone may have said those things to me in the past. I can imagine certain people in my past saying those things to me but I have no concrete memory. Whatever.....oh, I say "whatever" sometimes too lol

I'm pretty dismissive. Like I will roll my eyes sometimes at myself and I will say things like, "but oh well, what are you gonna do?" Or "sigh....I just need to get over it." My T doesn't like it when I do these things so I try hard not to, but sometimes it just comes out. He says that this part of me is almost "tyrannical."

I do recognise a lot of myself when I read your posts, Freewilled. (My T refers to my "internal Stasi" or "internal KGB" quite often, when I say these things.)
"It doesn't matter" (or its equivalent) was definitely a very common phrase when I grew up. I was taught not to speak unless I could say something that would amaze the whole room, basically. I think that's one reason why I find it easier to communicate in English than in my own language - I've never had that beaten into me in English, on the contrary, I was actually praised for my abilities to speak the language well.

But now that I've written that I see how pathetic it looks. It's the content of the words that matters, not the language they are spoken in. Yeah. Whatever.

I'm sorry you can relate to my internal negativity, Mastodon Although, maybe it helps one not feel so alone....

I also say "but that doesn't make any sense!" A LOT /: I know that comes from somewhere.

I also say that I don't want to waste T's time That one embarrasses me the most because I know intellectually that 1) I am paying lots of $$$ for this time slot SO T is okay with it, or at the very least, can probably just suck it up for an hour and 2) I'm probably just projecting and really don't want to waste my own time and 3) I'm seeking reassurance from T that he will say I'm not a waste of time. UGH.

I know a lot more intellectually than I do emotionally. I'm in my 30s intellectually, but sometimes it seems like I'm only 4 years old

Thanks for this. Since I want to be a therapist, I learned a lot about things that "I don't know" might mean and how to handle it. I wouldn't necessarily push anyone the way I read about. I think people here have made it clear that sometimes they can't label what is going on so I would respect that rather than push on it, but still I hadn't realized that it was so common because I don't do it myself so I was genuinely intrigued by how so many said it. Now I feel I have a much greater appreciation.

Mast, I don't think form and content can be so neatly separated. They are inherently bound together for very good reasons. I remember seeing an Academy Awards show a number of years ago, and a Polish woman won an award for, I think, short film or documentary. Anyway, the subject matter of her film was the Nazi occupation of her town during the War. She was asked why she didn't make her film in Polish, and she replied that she couldn't speak of the horrors she witnessed in her native Polish because she needed the distance and control of the second language to not be driven mad by her memories. I found that very moving.

"I understand that intellectually, but it doesn't FEEL that way."

"Yes, I can see that applies for everyone else in the world, but I should have known better/done it differently/not made that mistake, etc."

"I don't know what you want me to say about that." [usually in response to a question about some trauma thing.]

"I don't know".

just thought of one, that I use.

Exactly.

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"I don't know" I say this a lot to avoid the question(s)

For people who find themselves saying "I don't know" and want to see what a therapist thinks about that, you might take a look at the links that moxie posted. I don't think it is necessarily absolutely the best way or the right way to consider the issue, but it is useful, especially if you'd like to change.

Me: " hm yes you are right"
T: " That is not the point. You keep saying I´m right but therapy is not about your agreeing with what I say" ... bla bla bla

"I super don't wanna do that"
"why are you looking at me like that"/"whats that look for"
"you know what I mean?"
"looks like its time to not talk about this"
"seriously though"
"just kidding"
"...but I don't care anyway" (followed by her fav: "I think you DO care")
"don't write that down"
"oh sorry"
"I don't know how to respond to that"
"fair do's"

I'm definitely an "I don't know-er", so I get highly sensitive when someone tells me I do know as suggested in the text and if pressed will eventually just shut down. I love how the first article says the term suggest "If the client is not able to access cognitions or feeling states..." because for me that was the case, but it took my T taking the time to realize this (which then helped me realize it) and come up with alternative solutions around the problem. Obviously it was beneficial because at the end of the second article, he says the client eventually will say “I do know the answer, or at least part of it.” Evidently my T has done the proper T magic because I specifically remember recently stating "I don't know. -- Well I DO know, I just don't know how to [verbalize] it." I think T uses the first article in her methods. Thanks Mox.

Now that I thought more on this, I also say "sure" in a way that comes off as "yeah yeah whatever you say." And I also will go on a rant and then say "what the hell am I talking about? Do you understand what I'm talking about?"

She must hate me. Hah.

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