Couch 67 - Keep calm, carry on, and have a cup of tea.

Not ignoring you, just waiting until I am not in my iPhone or iPad to write a more detailed response.. For now, I am off to get d ready for dance class.

I actually ended up talking to my T a bit about this forum. I didn't really have an agenda going in, so I started by talking a little about PC. He asked me the name of the forum and I told him. He kind of frowned and said he had talked to a couple of other therapists about psychotherapy forums after I mentioned being on one. However, he didn't think PC could possibly be the forum I was talking about being on because the other professionals he had talked to had ALL said that PC was primarily for people with borderline personality disorder. He said that also explained A LOT about why I was so uncomfortable on the forum and people there freaked me out sometimes. He said what these other therapists had said about the PC forum really reinforced for him his belief that PC is not a healthy place for me.

I talked to him about how I felt I had been busted on multiple times for trying to point out the problems with other posters' boundary stomping behaviors and when I tried to explain how horrible it feels to be on the receiving end of those behaviors. We talked about how it appears to me that only posts that encourage or support unhealthy behaviors seem to be allowed, and how those of us who say people should stop unhealthy behaviors seem to be repeatedly condemned. He said again that he did not think PC was the healthiest place for me and wondered if there was a way to keep what I like about the forum, and the friendships I feel I have made, while getting some distance from the unhealthy parts.

So, I have been thinking about that. I realized that this thread and many of the people on it are the reason that I give when I talk about why I stay on the forum, and that is a HUGE part of it. If I'm being honest, though, the other part of it is what seems to be this compulsion I have to read things posted by some of the most unstable people and the people with BPD just raging out of control. I do not know why I do that. It's upsetting and triggering, and yet I keep reading.

Sorry this is so long. I'm mainly thinking through my fingers right now. I just wonder if anyone else struggles with this. I would like to understand my weird compulsion AND figure out a way to stop that and still maintain friendships on here.

hi guys i had to leave this morning but am home now and wow. i sure do feel seen today and thanks to all of you . i am really trying to stay calm about what went on yesterday because i do believe it was both of us and also the interpretation of the sectary .

yes i do believe my t was kind of frustrated with me and defensive because she had made that call .but i had not known it because i had not been home at the time.. anyway when the sectary had told me that the T had said she called everyone to let them know .my response exactly was" except me" she said that she would have the T call me the next day and as soon as she said that i panicked and said don't bother then i left . now i did not raise my voice i did not slam things or anything this was the only interaction i have ever really had with this sectary. and believe me my attitude was in check. i was in public. i can see maybee seen as frustrated at best but to say i was extremely upset was wrong . i mean yes i was going nutz in my mind but outwardly i was in check for that moment. i was able to leave the office then freak. i am not saying i was perfect by no means but i would never show that much emotion to someone i don't know. but
i think my T was upset that i said except me i guess i should have just not said anything because it seems to me she thought i went to the office knowing she was not going to be there because she even asked me why did i still come to the office . so yes i think she was upset that i accused her of not calling to one of her colleagues. that was my fault .i should have kept my mouth shut .stupid me . this is why i already said it was all my fault .i know it was . i just don't know how to fix it . she seemed so angry i tried to run out but she said that i needed to sit back down in that chair and we need to deal with this .that she wants to not play this game and for me to let her know what went on. it felt so cold and harsh .but i don't blame her. im not easy to deal with when i don't or am unwilling to talk.i understand that she needs to be a bit firm when i do this but it still hurts . i did tell her i didn't get the message and she did change her mood some but not on her stand that i was upset when i left .and that it was her that i was upset with and not the sectary .that she was feeling bad and what i should have done was left her a note not say what i did to the sectary. i just f-ed up big and i don't know how to deal anymore. she said she was sorry for the mix up but still insists that i was upset .she said i did nothing wrong but i cant help but feel from her that i did .
i know i was wrong in all this and i also know i was very upset when i got home because i felt like a needy pathetic brat and yeas i did drink a lot of vodka .and i am sorry for coming here with it .i did stay away some knowing i was not in a good place .probably should have stayed away longer . i am sorry i just love you all and you all help me at times .

Good evening people,

there are several people I'd like to respond to properly, but I had a very early morning and it's pretty late and I just got home from choir practice, so I am knackered. (Our new choir director is so great. He is the exact opposite of our old director in so many ways... I wonder if they can be in the same room or if there would be an implosion.)

And tomorrow is another early morning because I have a dentist appt at 8am, yay, so I get to take the 7am bus, double yay. Goodnight! Hugs, &c.

I have grown to like several people on here and I also follow a few people's post who are nothing more then me watching a train wreck. I have wondered how healthy any of this is for me and if I were to be brutally honest with myself, I know the answer. So you aren't alone.
No other forum has this nifty hug button and I like it alot too.

Hoping my daughter becomes a prima ballerina with the amount of time I spend in the waiting room at the studio. Okay- not really that long, but I hate it!!

Reading train wrecks has this consolation at least: it proves I'm not the craziest person in the room.

i just wish i knew how to deal with all this weird crap in my head T stuff and life stuff it just keeps coming and i keep trying to put on the breaks . so now all i wanted was to get out of here for Christmas .so solution was go to the casino with hubby and farther .wow great idea . time goes bye no real family except for eating maybe .it was great but NO NO NO not in my life .nope farther wants to go at but crack of dawn ,i want around 8 or so,farther wants to eat at breakfast buffet because less people .hubby don't want breakfast buffet and would prefer to not eat at all because he is a cheap bastard .farther gets cranky about it all and now Christmas is ruined and all i am going to do is again take a bunch of pills T is telling me not to take sleep all day and ignore the world . i want to do this now and forever i want away from my husband . he isn't always that great as everyone thinks . in fact i have not been liking him much at all these days . but hey again it is my life right i choose it . i hate it

this is true i like it

I know a woman who went through the same thing. Here's her solution.

She quit PC, but first she PMed her closest friends so they could contact her by email, Facebook etc.

I also feel that PC is starting to feel very unhealthy for me.

MKAC, when I stayed off of here all summer long it helped me a great deal and helped my therapy. I was just generally less triggered But I missed the couch so so so much and that's why I am back. When I first came back, I was able to just stick to the couch but after awhile my eyes started wandering to other threads. Sometimes I feel very compelled to respond to some folks and want to shake them and be "Nooo. Stop. What are you thinking!!" But I refrain and just stick to the couch. As far as helping you stay off the other threads, I can send you reminders everyday, if that will help. "MKAC GO STRAIGHT TO THE COUCH".

In all honestly if it were not for the couch, I would not be here.

Granite..

There is so much feeling that comes through your posts when you talk about your T sessions. I can literally feel how distraught you are about all of this. I don't think it's your fault. It was a miscommunication and that happens. Maybe the secretary has a particular guideline to follow to let the T know if a client "seems" frustrated and upset. Then that's for the T to address. I do think your T tries but you also try. I don't always agree with the way she addresses you. I understand wanting to get through to you and help you, but you should never feel forced. I hope you get more clarity next week. ((((Granite))))

RTS- I am not sure why you deleted your post.. I was willing to answer the question, just wanted to wait until I got home and had my laptop.

Doesn't seem as thought many other people actually care, but if you are interested in my answer, I would share.

Argh!!

What a day. The sub was a "door mat" and let the kids walk all over him, but at least he didn't "set the kids off" like every other sub has. The kids had their usual "sub" behavior today.

I had to write one kid up on a referral. Student1 butted in on student2 and student3's conversation. They asked his to "get away and stay out of it". Student1 gets mad about this and tells student2 to "suck his d**k". Student2 tells student1 that he can't because student1 doesn't have one because he has a vagina like a girl. Student2 and student3 laugh about that comment. Student1 proceeds to call student3 a "pu*sy n**ger". I decide that is enough and get a referral to write student1 up. Student1 freaks out and yells that is was "f**king retarded that he was getting a referral" and snatches it away as I am writing it. I try to grab it back, but he pulls it out of my hand and spins around so I can no longer reach it. He then proceeds to tear it up and throw it on the ground. I just go get another referral and re-write it adding the snatching the referral away. When I was trying to get student1 to leave to escort him to the office, he tells student2 and student3 that he is going to "f**king kick their a**es" when he gets back. I add the threat to the referral and walk him to the office. While all this was happening, 2 other students said they "didn't want to be a part of it" and went to the office to not get in trouble. They were up there when I walked student1 up. I walk back to the classroom and the assistant principal calls the room and asks to speak to me. I get on the phone she asks what happened. I tell her. She clarifies..."I need to know what happened with you". I tell her. She asks if that was all that happened. I say it was. I am told that I need to write a statement about what student1 did to me. I write the statement and walk it up. The assistant principal reads it and then says the dean want to talk to me. I go to her office. She asks me to come inside and shut her door. She reads the statement and asks what happened. I tell her. She presses me if "that was all that happened". I assure her it was. She then tells me that the students who chose to come up to the office both said that student1 pushed me down and kicked me. This surprises me, as that is NOT what happened. I assured her we just had a "pulling" fight with the referral, but our bodies never made contact. Stupid kids telling stories and making the situation worse than it really was. So, I spent that entire period walking back and forth across campus between the classroom and office. I get back to the classroom in time for class change (the next period is still the same kids). The kids go out for water/to use the bathroom. The sub approaches me and tells me it wasn't fair that I wrote student1 up because he only said the n-word because he was provoked by the other students saying he had a vagina. Yes, the other students involved do their fair share of provoking sometimes, but that was not the case today. In my opinion, student1 started it for telling them to suck his d**k. What a day. I'm sure the teacher will hear all sorts of stories from the students about it tomorrow. Luckily he is intelligent enough to know that students over-exaggerate about things like that and that is really wasn't as bad as they tell him it was.

Well, I just wanted to post about my stressful day. I am worn out. I need to go find something to eat for dinner now, then take a shower. I'll get back on when I am done to catch up on the couch, if I don't fall asleep first.

I didnt delete my post Healed. ITS #720... Maybe you didnt go back enough pages? Or maybe it was deleted by admin?

I'm interested if you want to share...but you dont have too..

sorry if my stuff was taking up too much .im off for a while now so im sorry ontinnue on.love you all

Granite....I dont think there is anyone on the couch... when I arrived it looked empty...

I dont think your stuff takes up too much space...

ready i know you didn't .thank you for all the support and seeing me when i needed people to. i am so grateful for everyone today and always . ill pm you

Oh, there it is.. weird.. def. wasn't there earlier this afternoon. Maybe it had something to do with iphone/ipad viewing.

MKAC, I totally hear you - and I've been in that boat for a while. I have been doing a good job lately of staying off the main forum, although I do sometimes check out the threads. There are times when I'm able to let it roll right off my back and other times when I get triggered by it. I'd imagine it has a lot to do with what else may be going on in my life. Although, for the life of me, I can't imagine why that is.

You are SO not alone with this.

Many years ago, I used to be on another type of forum (non T related), and it got really messy. So, a number of us decided to join a private forum - and we've been "together" ever since (15+ years). No more mess.

Granite... I didn't feel as though you are taking up too much space. I'm glad you want to process this stuff here with the couch groupies. Hugs.

Well I have to drive to pick up son and then return home so I'll be back on in about an hour... Hope everyone has a good evening

How is everyone doing tonight?

Today for the first time in two months I got money, and the urges to buy more blades was immense, but I didn't, so therefore I reward myself tomorrow with a big fluffly ladybug stuffed animal. Right now I'm dying my hair. God sitting with ammonia on your head is nauseating.

Good job not buying blades Daeva