Couch 67 - Keep calm, carry on, and have a cup of tea.

CC... What went on today?

Same ole same ole..... I have been assigned a task that is unachievable and there are many many people in very high positions in my company who are total idiots who have been "faking it" for a long time. I can only fix what I can and need to learn to let the rest go and this is hard for me personally and inevitably from a job stance as well. I am afraid I am fixing to learn the lesson I need to at a very hi cost to me, my self worth and my career. Other then that all is well. I need to win the lotto.

T recap today...

T thought I was being dishonest with him (because I didn't tell him something) he thought I was purposely withholding the information. Not the case.

T says that he has been tossing around Boarder Line Personality disorder around for awhile as a DX for me, and told me it explains a lot of my issues.. I fought against it, told him I don't agree- but he says it is what he is going with.

T told me I need to tell H about my suicidal thoughts, and the details about it, or he will call him and tell him. Because, he is allowed to break confidentiality with my husband if my life is in danger.

T said that if we can't get the suicidal ideations under control in the next week, then hospital be where I end up. T is going away for the week of Christmas, and then will be in and out of the office New Years week as well and if he doesn't think that I will stay safe during that time, then he has to do what will ensure my safety.

It is amazing how pissed I am at T right now, but I Still have this need to reassure him that I was not intentionally holding info back from him.. I want him to know I am always honest with him.

I hope it works out. Can you keep everything in writing so you can prove you did everything in your power to fix it? This way the higher ups can't blame anyone but themselves.

I am and I'm recording all online meetings. Just feel beat down...

Healed I am so so sorry this is happening to you.... if you need to talk PM me

Thanks, Lola.

I understand. Seems as though you are in an extremely tough position. But it sounds like your doing all you can. I hope it goes in you favor. :

(((((Healed))))

When this old world starts getting me down and people are just too much for me to face. I climb way up to the top of the stairs where all my cares just drift right into space up on the roof as peaceful as can be where the world below can't bother meeee

NOOO!!! I'm looking for a place for him and the girls as he is busy fixing u the old place and packing. I'm a little irritated with him because its not as this is a surprise. But I can't see them homeless. I will look for myself at the same time though but the girls are a priority.

so you are house hunting for you and also for him and your kids? Separate of course, but at the same time hunting?

Hmmm…looks like you may have it figured out before I came in here to respond! Seriously, you were freaking out about going because she was sick last week and you took it to be some personal sleight against you (which it wasn't, just bad timing as you just have started unearthing some trauma stuff), and THEN you didn't get hte msg in time and had what you experienced as "humiliation" with the whole showing up thing--to which i can pretty much bet the receptionist wouldn't have blinked an eye at. It only became notable, and therefore why she told your T was because you were upset. WHICH IS OK. Your T needs to know these things!

I'm sorry that chair was moved in another corner. You should try documenting when that happens. Maybe it happens on a schedule that you haven't noticed. Like every month, and maybe once a month someone different cleans and moves the chair in the wrong spot. Or maybe she has a client once a month that sits there and she forgets to move it back. There are SO MANY reasons other than "bootcamp T" why it was moved there.

My theory (and you know this is just my opinion) is that you have had a really bad few weeks. You've been super triggered/stressed/depressed (whatever) in general because of this trauma that has been touched upon in T. Do you agree with that? On top of that, T got sick, which triggered you into thinking more horrible things about yourself, and then the whole showing up at T's office when she wasn't there thing. Plus you were convinced she hated you/never wanted to see you because you thought you didn't get the reminder call.

All in all, a lot of stress placed upon you. I would venture to say its never easy for you going to see T, but maybe today was a little more uspetting than usual? If I am wrong, please tell me. And THEN that stupid chair was in the wrong spot, which triggers you into all sort of things. In which Bootcamp T always seems to be.

I think she wanted to talk about it, because she thought it was noteworthy that you got upset over something that maybe wouldn't upset someone else. Maybe she could tell you were triggered. By the way, when I use the word "trigger," I use my T's definition. She says all it is is when you have a more extreme emotion than the situation warranted. She probably just wanted to hear from you what your feelings were. And you must admit, a lot went through your head. A lot of assumptions that maybe weren't true. I think in your mind it happens so often and quickly that you don't think to second guess them, which is why therapy is there for you.

Your post was hard for me to really understand what happened. Very fragmented. I can tell how much you hurt, but I hope once you have a little space and time from the session and you reflect upon it, you may see that she wasn't blaming you--and what on earth could she be mad at you about? Really? For you getting upset? Everyone has a right to their own feelings, but it seems your mother never believed that of you, which is why this is so hard.

Please, if I am ever out of line or totally wrong, or what I ever say doesn't gel at all, tell me and I will stop rambling on. I only want to help because generally I think you have a good T. She has made mistakes, as all T's do, but I think she has your best interests in mind.

YEP! My day is only half done and I'm tired already. Going to have ice cream to cheer myself up.

(((Healed)))
(((Granite)))

thanks Velcro. you say some hard things but I never feel attacked at all by you .i appreciate the perspective and the support you give me to keep plugging on.i think the days battle won was the fat that I completely stopped myself from running out even when I had the door open to leave .I don't know if it was fear of what T would do if I left but I didn't and I definitely would have in the past. anyway I will try to post a clearer look at what went on. but she was boot camp T that I am sure.

One of my all time favorite songs!

On the roof's the only place i know
Where you just have to wish to make it so...

(I wonder if thats where captain picard got his tagline??)

I don't hear much when I'm upset.

Ok. Well, I really hope you'll be able to publish what you need to publish so that you can get to do what you want. What has the dissertation advisor said when you've talked to him about it? I mean, surely he must understand the importance of this? Frankly, it makes me a bit upset that he's not helping you. I think that's rubbish. And thanks, I'll keep your advice in mind for when I start to work on my own PhD (though it'll be quite a while until then). I'm trying to keep an open mind as well. We'll see where I end up in the future.

Thank you, Wikid. It means a lot.

I broke my session notes up into three separate posts, but they may still be too long to read.

Finally found a house that is suitable,, close to D's high school, small yard, pets allowed. Fingers crossed.

I thought I saw a post by CE to me before I left....Going crazy!

Well done! Your persistence is rewarded.

Not crazy. It really was there. But I was asking a question that you had already answered so I deleted it.

I am so tired. I didn't end up going to the last house as I nearly had an accident on the way so went home instead. Tomorrow I have to go out and do all the legal stuff for the sale. I'm really feeling the stress and can't wait for T on Monday.

(((BPA))) I understand how all that nonsense is just exhausting. I'm glad you went home. I hope the paperwork won't be too much of a hassle.

Same here. And when I have meetings with students who are upset (doesn't happen often, but it happens) I ask them to write down what we're talking about so they will be more likely to remember it. (I'm not as cold-hearted as I sound... I care about the students I meet, but they come to me to get help with their English, and so it is in their interest to remember the stuff we say. I do a bit of reassurance as well, when I meet with students who are much better at this than they think they are. And I always point out strengths as well as weaknesses.)

Anyway. I will meet with a student, who may need a lot of language support, in a couple of minutes' time. I hope I can provide the help she needs.

And I just txted my T and am now beating myself over the head with a large mallet (figuratively). Why am I so stupid?

Back later.