I have been in a relationship therapy group for about a year and a half. The last few weeks I have had conflict with the group and one person in particular. She has been attending this group for 8 plus years. For most of the time I have been with the group there has been no real change or improvement. She comes to group and talks about one of 2 or 3 revolving issues for 30 minutes out of 1.5 hours. Somebody will suggest something. She'll seem to go away with a goal or solution and then come back a few weeks later with the same problem. Said solution was never tried. Sometimes she deflects the convo into something else. The T seems like a sucker and feeds into her game. At some point I figured out it wasn't about the problem at all but a need to be heard. The T doesn't seem to see this.

I am wondering if anyone else has had somebody in a group with that much time? It seems to me that after that length of time spent together week after week habits form. In this case it is the fact that she dominates the time with the same issues week after week. It feels unhealthy and possibly unethical to me but I can't fully articulate why. I started to speak up a couple of months ago about her patterns and I think that is why I am getting backlash. Conflict I can understand but the T seems to dole it out too. Last week I walked out and next week I meet with him and my regular T. I am thinking I won't go back. Is it possible the T is too vested and doesn't even know it?

If she wants to pay for therapy that has no ROI and he wants to give it that is between them. The basis of this question is how it might affect group dynamics and my ability to get what I need.

[kaliope]

it sounds like you have called it accurately. anybody who has spent 8 years in a group obviously hasn't gained anything from treatment. and T is not very good at setting boundaries letting her go on for half an hour of the groups time. T should be pointing out to her the things you are pointing out. As for staying in the group, if it is frustrating you more than it is helping you, then it isn't worth staying in. take care.

[RTerroni]

When I was in Group Therapy a little over 2 years ago, I didn't get along at all with the other person in the group (there was only 2 people in the group) so eventually the Therapist decided to just end it.

[Hope-Full]

My experience with group therapy started quite positively, actually! However, after a few months, it became very clear who "ran" the group and I grew more and more uncomfortable. It became harder for me to share, because I would try, and be jumped on my the rest of the group (led by that person) and the T supported whatever that person said. I lasted about a year of meeting every other week and finally let it go. Felt a lot better without the group, too, though now it's been a topic with T because it really damaged me.

[growlycat]

This is why I used to hate group therapy--always that one person who is ME ME ME---and weak T's who don't rein them in. I think some T's want the group to call them out but that rarely happens. When it does it is one brave soul who says something but then mr or miss narcissist now has a targeted "enemy".

If this is your bad group dynamic, I'd seek a different group but let group T know why. He or she isn't doing their job.

[feralkittymom]

Sounds pretty dysfunctional. I was in a group for a couple of years and there was a somewhat similar situation that developed. If you want to read some research about group dynamics and dysfunction, Stephanie Brown's work is excellent.

[anilam]

I think that judging just from a length of time says nothing whether the person benefited from the therapy or not.
She has 30min every few weeks- sounds about right? No matter the topic the members should have more or less same length of time appointed to them.
I don't think there's nothing wrong with just wanting to be heard. Maybe she's not ready to change that behavior/problem/whatever and just needs to share it?
It's not your place to try and change her.
That being said, if you think that this doesn't work for you than I'd stop going. No reason to waste your time in there.

[missbella]

This experience doesn't sound helpful.

I personally never understood group therapy. Sessions were about complaints and stern moral judgment from the therapists, with no solutions discussed. I was disapproved of when I quietly, modestly shared good news at the end of a session because I was out of step with the group's misery culture. The therapists ridiculed me for reading David Burn's Feeling Good and concluding I needed stop being self-critical. I was ridiculed again for NOT being critical of another member in a "describe him with two adjectives" exercise. The therapists were authorities on life: "You're unemployed because YOU'RE NO IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS.

I don't know how group therapy is supposed to work. I've only seen therapists to do it badly.

[Daeva]

Yeah I'd get out, ask your T if there's another group.

Thanks for the reference. I looked into group dynamics but I didn't find anything that really related. I will look into Stephanie Brown's work.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Sounds pretty dysfunctional. I was in a group for a couple of years and there was a somewhat similar situation that developed. If you want to read some research about group dynamics and dysfunction, Stephanie Brown's work is excellent.

Honestly I agree with you if it were individual therapy and I appreciate your POV. I have given her feedback but it is really them that are trying to change me in a way I am not comfortable with. Plus if someone is flat out saying they think you are whatever it is they don't like without any real examples i can't really give them much weight.

My concern with regard to her 8 years is related to group dynamics rather than her health. Because she has been there the longest I think she dictates the energy of the group more than she should. We meet once a week. I think that people get used to people when they spend a few years together whether it be work or marriage or therapy. After a time you get used to people's bad habits so much you don't even see them anymore. IOW I think T is biased.

The group members changed in the past year. 2 left and 4 joined. I was thrilled because I can relate so much better with these people and I wanted the fresh perspective but over time they seem to shut down too. One said she it was the dynamic of the group (surprise!). One has already left and I think one will put in her 6 months and leave too. I really connected with the one that left and I miss her a lot. I had told my private T several months ago that her being there was the only draw for me. I think that is even more true now and she only left two weeks ago.

Thank you for your feedback.

Originally Posted by anilam

I think that judging just from a length of time says nothing whether the person benefited from the therapy or not.
She has 30min every few weeks- sounds about right? No matter the topic the members should have more or less same length of time appointed to them.
I don't think there's nothing wrong with just wanting to be heard. Maybe she's not ready to change that behavior/problem/whatever and just needs to share it?
It's not your place to try and change her.
That being said, if you think that this doesn't work for you than I'd stop going. No reason to waste your time in there.

Yep, I think you hit the nail on the head. Not just me but I know I see it from other new people.

Originally Posted by Hope-Full

My experience with group therapy started quite positively, actually! However, after a few months, it became very clear who "ran" the group and I grew more and more uncomfortable. It became harder for me to share, because I would try, and be jumped on my the rest of the group (led by that person) and the T supported whatever that person said. I lasted about a year of meeting every other week and finally let it go. Felt a lot better without the group, too, though now it's been a topic with T because it really damaged me.

[growlycat]

missbella I had a good laugh over "misery culture"….you nailed it! another reason I'm not a fan of groups