[GeorgiaGirl413]

I have seen on here quite often about being friends with T. It seems that for many of us it is something devoutly to be desired. As I write this I am counting down the days until the "2 year waiting period" is up and I can contact my ex T. Then it occurred to me, hey wait, you are friends with an old T. I guess I had not thought about it because it was not something that I set out to do. It was something that just happened over time. Over a very long time. This woman was my T about 28 years ago. Our time in T together was short (less than a year) and I never really attached to her, though I liked her. Then then helped my daughter through some rough times about 25 years ago. As time went by we would see each other at various events (especially at children's school). Then about 12 years ago I took a job where "counseling" was part of what I did. I would call her occasionally for advice which she was always happy to give. Then 7 years ago we became co-workers. It was soooo long since she had been my T that it wasn't an issue (in fact, I suggested her for the job), and now I would say (and I think she would too) that we are friends. Not BFF's, but friends. We sometimes go to a concert or art exhibit together (I am single and her husband doesn't care for these things). So, yes, you can be friends. But I think that it is something that will just happen over time if it is meant to be. Not something that you can force.

[stopdog]

I did it with the first therapist I ever saw. It was not a big deal. I stopped seeing her as a therapist one week and we went and engaged in a hobby the next.
I can't imagine wanting to be friends with the one I see now.

[HealingTimes]

Do you think the key thing here is that you didn't attach?
I am very attached to my T. But i cannot ever imagine her and i being friends because she knows too much about me.

I've stayed in contact with my first T for about 30 years now. We email or speak on the phone several times a year, not about therapy stuff, more about family, jobs, etc. It was just what naturally happened after I left the university.

I also have a relationship like the one mentioned above with a former therapist of mine.

So, yes, it's possible.

[mazing]

I definitely think it is possible but depends on the type of relationship you had and the person, as well as how long it has been since you ended therapy.

I haven't kept in contact with my old T but think there would be situations where I would consider it if we got on really well as friends but I didn't feel dependent on them any more as a T.

[Daeva]

I think it's accordin to the person and their issues. Some will be capable of it in a healthy way, and some won't. And of course the T's boundaries. I personally don't see myself every being friends with my T, cause I can't even see us on equal ground.

[growlithing]

I don't know if I could be friends with her. On the exterior, we have a playful, friendly dynamic that is similar to my friendships. We poke fun at each other and have some inside jokes. But at the core of the relationship is a very firmly rooted mother/daughter type relationship. She is quite maternal and I desperately want her to take that mother figure role and I don't see how we'd ever be able a true, healthy friendship. I just don't know how you could change that dynamic once it is established. I guess if we resolved the maternal transference... but I still don't think I'd ever be able to stop viewing her as a mother figure.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Do you think the key thing here is that you didn't attach?
I am very attached to my T. But i cannot ever imagine her and i being friends because she knows too much about me.

For me, I don't think attachment or parental transference necessarily has any effect. I was very attached to my T, and had a strong paternal transference. Both were fully resolved, but healthy attachment and paternal bonds remain. I do think there were a few key points that have made it possible: I didn't come to therapy with any challenges that involved boundary issues; I never even thought about a continued relationship beyond therapy while I was in therapy (counting down the days strikes me as an indication that it's a bad idea for now); my T had (has) secure boundaries which have allowed him to both adhere to and loosen selected boundaries judiciously; he has always treated the knowledge he has about me respectfully; there has always been mutual trust; he has validated my "growing up"; and we like each other as people.

Interesting to see this thread today: he usually replies to my e-mails within a few days. My last e-mail he didn't respond to until today, about 6 weeks after. I had planned to write again today because I was a bit concerned that he either hadn't received my note, or that he wasn't well. Turns out several difficult things have happened within his family and circle of friends that took his attention and emotional energy. I'm glad he told me, which relieved my concern, and glad I could offer some support. The connection feels pretty mutual.

[anilam]

Sure you can but would you really what to? Too weird and one sided...

[CantExplain]

Madame T would never allow it.

Originally Posted by anilam

Sure you can but would you really what to? Too weird and one sided...

Actually not weird at all and actually much less one sided than when I was in therapy with him.

But like Feral said, there weren't transference issues at play, we both have healthy boundaries, I never had the expectation that he would ever be my therapist ever again, the friendship had nothing to do with "therapy" anymore, etc. Our relationship became much more equal in that we relate to each other now as professionals, educators, parents, etc. Completely different dynamic than when I was a youngin' in therapy with him.

[Rzay4]

I think so, all my Ts can be my friend after the two year anniversary.

[pmbm]

I was very attached to the first therapist I ever saw. She is only 8 years older than I, but she was a mother figure for me. I saw her through most of my twenties and into my early thirties. After I finished therapy with her, I found myself calling her once a year for several years for an appointment. Finally after 5 or 6 years of that, I realized I was making the appointments as an acceptable social way to see her, and so the next time I wanted to see her I called her and told her I wanted to see her but did not want an appointment. She asked me if I meant I wanted to be friends with her and I said yes, but only if that was okay with her. She said she wanted to be my friend, and told me that once our relationship changed, she could never be my therapist again. I already had a different therapist and I knew I had basically grown up and outgrown my first therapist as a therapist, but we always had gotten along really well. So I told her that was fine. So, we went out for lunch. She and I both worked really hard to integrate each other into our outside therapy lives and we have ended up being really good friends. And no, I cannot even imagine her as mother figure to me anymore.

[Daisymay]

I think if the client had had no painful or difficult transference feelings or if they had properly resolved them then after a certain amount of time a friendship could work. I think the passing of time and the way we all change and grow anyway can enable different relationships to evolve naturally where both people find they want it. I don't at the moment think I'd want to be friends with the T I have just left. But I do have a long term friend who just happens to be a therapist. She's a great friend but I wouldn't dream of going to her for therapy!

A lot of T's (maybe most?) have a rule about not forming friendships with ex-clients. Maybe they find the change in their role from being the one with the power to being an equal too confusing.

[CantExplain]

The post-T relationship is a challenging issue for me. You can never go back to being strangers, and if you can't be friends, what does that leave? Enemies?

[Lauliza]

It's interesting because the office of my ex T (other than my pdoc) just called me Friday to say she has come back to the practice and wanted to offer me an appointment if I was interested. Now that I've been using my pdoc for monthly therapy, I don't feel more T is necessary. Plus with work, school and kids, I don't have time for weekly therapy AND pdoc visits (even monthly is a struggle with time).
Yet I'd love to see her to catch up and just chat. I feel like I could be friends with her but the boundaries won't allow it (it hasn't been the 2 years). So I made an appointment, as it seems like the only acceptable way to socialize. I felt no power differential at all...she's 5 years younger than me and our t was more CBT/DBT than psychoanalysis. The attachment was healthy, since I want to see her but if I can't it would be ok. Now if this were the pdoc I see now, the feelings would be very different.

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[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

The post-T relationship is a challenging issue for me. You can never go back to being strangers, and if you can't be friends, what does that leave? Enemies?

Aquaintances.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by amee200

It's interesting because the office of my ex T (other than my pdoc) just called me Friday to say she has come back to the practice and wanted to offer me an appointment if I was interested. Now that I've been using my pdoc for monthly therapy, I don't feel more T is necessary. Plus with work, school and kids, I don't have time for weekly therapy AND pdoc visits (even monthly is a struggle with time).
Yet I'd love to see her to catch up and just chat. I feel like I could be friends with her but the boundaries won't allow it (it hasn't been the 2 years). So I made an appointment, as it seems like the only acceptable way to socialize. I felt no power differential at all...she's 5 years younger than me and our t was more CBT/DBT than psychoanalysis. The attachment was healthy, since I want to see her but if I can't it would be ok. Now if this were the pdoc I see now, the feelings would be very different.

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Not sure I'd be willing to pay the prices they charge in order to socialize.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Aquaintances.

I'm not good at acquaintances.
What do acquaintances do?

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Not sure I'd be willing to pay the prices they charge in order to socialize.

Luckily I have just a co pay, but it still seems pretty silly :-)

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[Elektra_]

they always keep their distance... so there will be no opportunity for that i think...

[archipelago]

I don't expect to become friends with my shrink when we stop working together. I think of him as more as a colleague now at least in some senses. So one day I would like him to visit my office perhaps. We have talked about that and he seemed agreeable about it. He thinks there is no absolute rule except for the obvious ethical guidelines. there can be exceptions made in special circumstances. He goes to a nursing home to deliver meds to an elderly woman and has to drive across town even though he's really packed with patients. And he doesn't charge her. I think there must be a write off for cases like that. Anyway he does do things that you wouldn't necessarily expect.

[Syra]

Depends on what you mean by "friends." I think it's possible to keep in contact with fondness and connection with each other and increased sharing by the T (I wonder if the sharing would ever really be equal given the unequal knowledge base). Perhaps a "friendship" like may teachers have for their students. But then I could never go back to her the next time I needed therapy so don't know if I would do that. I think a friendship like with my "buds" would be hard.

[CantExplain]

I see now that a complete cut-off is necessary for grieving. Perhaps the two a year ban is a good thing.