Santa Claus is coming to couch 68!!!!!

That's interesting!

Yes growing up, I took care of my sis. She's 9 years younger than me. Th older one wanted no parts. It all fell on me. The older one and I are not close. I could take her or leave her. But I love the kids.

Hi couch You've all had a busy time. I had terrible nightmares last night plus dream where I punched my T repeatedly because he asked me how i was feeling. Only 4.5 hrs til I see him.

Some hostility there.

*******TW for talk of sex, rape, and flashbacks**********




I have long since come to terms with my T being male and me being female.. and haven't had much problems talking about things related to sex or the rape.. I have told T this, that I see him as just "T" he has no gender.. He is a therapist I talk to about something the most vile things that can happen to a child..

Well, tonight.. I was reading a book I just downloaded about BPD- I was reading a chapter related to sexual abuse and abuse in general. It got to the point where all people who write about abuse when they say its not your fault, and abuse victims have this sense of guilt for various reasons. Then, I had a flashback to my rape. I am not sure that it is a new memory, but more disturbed reliving of what happened to me.. Anyways, it was third person (which most of my memories are) but it was almost in sense that I could feel what was happening to me. And this is where it becomes hard.. for some reason, knowing that I want to talk to T about this flashback becomes hard for me. I could almost feel what this person was doing to me.. not the feelings of sex, but the movement of it all. How do I talk to T about that? Am I finding this hard because T is male and we are talking about some pretty graphic stuff, or is it just because it is graphic stuff in general? I don't know really.. but is all pretty disturbing crap!

I almost feel dirty for sharing this.. I am sorry if this is too graphic, please tell me if it is and I will delete it.

Healed I can't answer your question because I have never been there and can't even imagine it. Just wanted you to know I hear you and I hope you find some peace in the near future.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

((Healed))

I am so sorry you had to go through that healed.

Healed your T is still the same person, what you share with him will not change that. It sounds like this is your own idea of embarrassment or shame from what happened ( unwarranted as it was done to you ) Your both adults and are aware of your history, share the details and flashbacks, he will understand and it could help you to continue healing.

((( Healed )))

I can relate to that...and I didn't feel the need to go into explicit detail with T. I just shared that I sometimes have "body memories" about the CSA. I don't find it necessary to share every nitty gritty detail - especially since its importance is really how I relate to it in present day - how it affects me, my relationships, etc. I can do that work without sharing every last detail.

Evening couch.

I was writing a post, but it disappeared on me, so now I have to start over.

Just wanted to check in before heading to bed. I have to be up at 6am (it is half past 11 here) to be at C's by 7. Early day, but I like C, so I don't mind. It's a fun and pleasurable way to start my day even if it means getting up early.

I finished “stickering up” the holiday card for the kids tonight. I decided not to tape the reindeer to the cards, so I made up little goody bags with the reindeer, some holiday pencils, and holiday erasers in them for all the kids I work with (only 36) no matter how few classes I am in with them. I made little buckets of chocolates for the kids I am with most of the day (only 8). All the kids are special and mean something to me, but the kids I am with almost all day mean a little more because I spend more time with them and have gotten to know their personalities really well.

I will be a “bag lady” tomorrow, but it will slowly get lighter as the day goes on. Exams start on Wednesday, so I want to catch all the kids tomorrow (or Tuesday if they are absent tomorrow). I may be pulled for other classes exams if there are kids that have a verbatim read accommodation and the teacher couldn't find their own person to read to that kid. I hope I don't have to do that. I would much rather be in my “normal” classes.

Well, I better get to bed. I don't want to be tired in the morning.

I hope everyone has a good night (or day if you are on the other side of the world).

I'll be back sometime tomorrow.

Just got home from my sister's house where we had our early Christmas. We had a nice time. I ended up giving the kids each a $20 bill made into an origami shirt...put it in little jewelry boxes and added a note to it saying, "We got you a shirt. Hope it fits!"...Everyone got a kick out of it. The boxes were put in mini snowman mesh stockings which were also filled with wooden unpainted ornaments and clear ball ornaments. The kids and I painted the ornaments and filled the clear ones with ribbons, balls, etc. I also played Pictionary with the kids. I love spending time with the kids - and they love spending time with me. That's what I hope they will remember most about me. I cared to really spend time with them.

Daeva...I absolutely LOVE the monster quote.

Thanks!!!

I wish I could steal you guys, this whole xmas project for my T is a monster undertaking!!!! I only need I think 15 of you each do an artistic page, I hope i can get this done by next week!!!!!!!!!!!

SCRATCH THAT I juat realized it has to be done by this wednesday. CRY

Healed - I hope it gets better for you.

DV - perhaps one thing that could be learned in therapy is not to over-do projects like this xmas thing and the therapist so that one adds stress to one's self. I am not saying don't do something, just do something that does not add stress.
I hope I am being clear here.

You are, I perhaps should have at the very least started this earlier and not procrastinated, also I understimated the project, I thought it would be quick and easy. But alas, I am a perfectionist. It is keeping me from doing other less healthy things such as SI, but still.

I think I'm taking a break from it. Other wise I'll never want to look at cows again.

My T and I always talk about me going to extremes, it mainly focuses around my grades, I swing from caring way too much to the point of hysteria about getting my straight A's, or to not giving a ****. There is never a middle with me. Finding that balance has been tricky. My black and white thinking does not help. Cognitive distortions! How do you counteract them anyway?

Ok, cool. Thanks. Then I know I won't be here alone.

Also, Healed, I really hope things work out for you and that you'll feel better soon!

I never known PC to ever be dead. I hate holidays so I'm always here

I'm a bit worried about the holidays (I really like Christmas though).

Why are you worried about the holidays? I hope i'm not prying.

You're not prying.

I'm just worried about a whole bunch of things:

1. Not being able to see my psychologist for 3-ish weeks and therefore not being able to talk to anyone.
2. Having to spend a lot of time with a lot of people. I'll be spending the holidays with my boyfriend's family and then with my family and I'll have pretty much no space for myself. As an introvert and a person with social anxiety disorder that is one of my worst nightmares. It always makes me very depressed and anxious (though I love my family).
3. Traveling by airplane.
4. People expecting me to me social.

Things like that.

I can imagine how that would be stressful, hat must feel like alot of pressure. I hate not hving time for myself, I also do not like people, but it's no where's near having social anxiety disorder, and then on top of that not able to see your psych--do you have a way of contacting him fi things get bad? Maybe email? I'll be around and so will the rest of us if you need us! I'm sorry the holidays are tough!

Yeah, it's a lot of pressure and that pressure always manages to trigger my OCD as well. It's like I do my compulsions a lot more just to deal with all the anxiety. More anxiety, more compulsions. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, thank you. I'll try to be online too so I'll be here for you (and the others) as well. I don't really have a way of contacting my therapist if (when) things get really bad, no. Well, I do have his email address etc but there's no way I'd use that during the holidays.

Yes I know exactly what you mean! I am the same way, I do compulsions to ease some subconscious or conscious worry but then I get more anxious cause I can't get the compulsion right it's a vicious cycle. Very frustrating.

Is there a way you can escape even for an hour or so at a time, maybe for some you time? Is your boyfriend supportive/understanding? Maybe even ten minutes meditating, I don't know what works for you.

I can understand the hesitancy.

Yes, exactly. Unfortunately my parents are very annoyed with some of my compulsions so last time I was home and carried out my compulsions they got a bit angry with me. Trust me, my parents are great but they just don't know how to handle some things I do (they really don't know how much my disorders affect me). So that worries me a little too.

My boyfriend is supportive but we've been having some problems due to my mental illness lately so I don't want to talk to him about it. However, he's always very sweet and says that it's ok if I escape for a little while and just sit down all alone somewhere. I think he thinks I do it a bit too much though.