[DelusionsDaily]

So, I have been thinking a lot about old pdoc lately. I was doing really good with limiting the amount of time I allowed myself to think about him. It seems the closer I get to sending him the letter asking him to be my pdoc again the more I dwell on him, the possible answers and scenarios to follow. I know it's an anxiety thing. Those feelings for him are creeping back in too which is slightly annoying and troublesome. This is probably happening less than I feel because I spend lots of time practicing DBT and staying busy. There's still a lot of guilt on my end so it's hard to see much positive outcomes in asking him but I have to ask or the "what ifs" will terrorize me. Anyway, I wish I could spend 1 day totally free of thoughts of him, but that's not likely.

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[anilam]

What does your T think about you reaching out to him? I know she wanted you to wait for her baby to be born and her maternity leave to end to send the letter but does she think you going back is a good idea?
Why I'm asking, you seem to be doing great last few weeks and it all started after you terminated your other T and then this PDoc terminated you. I do have to wonder if him taking you back would be such a great thing for you. All transference and attachment aside- was he a "good enough" PDoc for you?
Could be my thing though I hate ultimata and his "rules" were a bit too much for me. Just don't forget who's working for whom.

Also there's the possibility of him refusing- I do hope you've talked with your T about that and know what it would mean to you. Not saying he would...

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks. We have talked extensively about my asking him back on board. She had me do some pretty hard thinking about this.

We've talked a lot about why I want him back on and what would happen if he were to say no. First while I don't agree with the last few months with him, ie: the contract. I have to say that overall he was an excellent doctor for me. In the event he says no while I think it may slow me down a bit but I don't foresee any major issues. I think all the work I do with DBT on a daily basis will be "automatic" enough that I will be able to use the skills to help me through. I am determined to not let a "no" from him send me off the deep end if in fact that's what happens.

I know anything is possible, while my progress has been tremendous the last few months I am still not that far from the acting out Melissa when I wasn't getting my way or didn't like something. So that just means I just need to be extra mindful when I receive his response. My T will also be available if I need her because she will be back from maternity leave before I even send the letter.

In terms of my actual asking him I believe that the pros outweigh the cons. Meaning I think there's more good that would result from asking him than avoiding asking him out of fear. It always be rolling around in my mind so the decision to send the letter could change at anytime if and/or wen a legitimate, heavy enough weighing reason comes up. I have a little over a month before I send it...if in fact I follow through with the plan thus far.

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[CantExplain]

A definite NO can sometimes be a good outcome. I makes it easier to move on.

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks CantExplain. That's exactly why I have to ask him. While I really hope he says yes because I do really want him on my team. However, if he says no it serves to more definitively close out our relationship, as it will plug any holes in my thinking that tell me he may come back if asked.

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[Daeva]

Is there anyway to play through the what ifs in your brain or even writing them down, like what if this happened.....then walk through what would happen if it did? Then come back after and right down the reality

[DelusionsDaily]

I have played through the what ifs in my mind. My real biggest concern is if he says no because I used to act out when I didn't like something or get my way but I think the DBT skills I have been practicing and the progress I have made should alleviate that issue.

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