Wishy Washy

Most of the focus in my therapy has been in dealing with how I feel about my mom and dad. I had the basics growing up, meaning food, shelter, and clothing. I also had opportunities to spend time with friends and do other fun things. I was never physically abused. My parents let me take music lessons and bought me gifts at holidays, etc. Because of this, a part of me believes that I have no real reason to be feeling so much pain and hurt over things that my parents have done (or not done). When my parents come for a visit and things go fine, I feel very guilty about being so unhappy with them, or even for saying anything negative about them to my therapist. When things go well with my parents, I feel ashamed and like a terrible daughter.

On the other hand, some of the things my parents did to me as a child, or the ways they treat me now, have hurt me alot. For example, when I was very small, my parents left me with babysitters almost all the time. Even though I had separation problems and would sometimes beg my mom not to go, they always did anyway. If they couldn't get a babysitter, they took me along with them to loud parties. When it got late and I was tired, they tried to put me to bed in a strange bed, but it upset or scared me - not sure which. So my parents would tell me we were going home, and then drive around until i fell asleep, and then go back to the party and put me in the strange bed anyway. I have memories of waking up alone in a strange room, not knowing where I was, or where my mom was. It was very scary!

When I was in grade and middle school, my parents would go drinking after work and not come home on time. I would get very nervous until they called to tell me where they were. They would tell me they would be home in an hour or so, but it was sometimes 2-1/2 hours or more. I remember times when I would stand at the window, looking out in the dark, with my heart pounding and fearing that my parents must have gotten into a traffic accident and died.

Also, my dad, though not a spanker, did alot of yelling. According to my mom, when I was small and did something wrong, he would get down at my level and be very stern and it would scare me and make me cry. Also, as a teenager, he often would drink and then make fun of me and laugh when he got me upset and I cried, calling me things like a "big baby." He loved to argue and seemed to get a kick out of being able to get me worked up. Most times, my mom was nearby but did nothing to stop him. She also didn't come to my room later to soothe me or help me understand why my dad treated me that way.

When my neighbor abused me at the age of 8, my parents didn't confront him or do anything to make sure I was dealing with it OK. Also, it seemed like everything I did was wrong in my dad's eyes. We had chores to do, and I remember being yelled at for not rubbing in the furniture polish well enough, or not raking the carpet well enough, or for forgetting to turn the head down or lock the slidng glass doors, or for taking too many chips in my lunch, or not taking a good school picture, etc. When my dad was upset with me, he often said my thoughts or feelings were stupid or wrong. I felt like my dad was annoyed just having me around. But my sister did not seem to rub my parents the wrong way like I did. There were just so many things that hurt me. Even when I got married and asked my dad to dance with me at the reception, he didn't want to do it.

Today also, my dad has let me know on occasion that he is very disappointed in me. He has called my relgion a cult and has told me I am brainwashed. He has also gotten on my case for not going to college right out of high school ("Why didn't you do things like your sister did?"). He has expressed disappointment that I didn't have children and said I would regret it. At times, he has also called me lazy or unmotivated, even though I've held down a full-time job for almost my entire adult life. My husband and I don't have much materially, partly because he is disabled and has many illnesses, some of them life-threatening. But instead of showing compassion toward our situation, my dad looks down on our standard of living and calls us poor. These occasions don't happen regularly - maybe every 2 or 3 years. But it's enough that I feel anxious and sick to my stomach every time I hear they are coming to town for a visit, because I don't know if this is a time when my dad will cause a problem. Most of the time, when my dad isn't drinking, he isn't verbally abusive. Mostly, he is quiet and avoidant of me. I still know that he doesn't really like me though, because at times when I am talking to him, he will get up and walk away. Other times, he treats me OK (but never great.)

I was hurt too when I was struck with a very severe depression that has taken me years to climb out of. Through all this time, my parents haven't tried to talk to me about it - not even the time when I was hospitalized for feeling suicidal. I was very ill and lost 26 pounds - even people at work asked me if I had cancer. But my parents just ignored it. The most my dad ever said was "You're too skinny."

The few times I've tried to talk about my depression, my mom and sister clam up. I tried a couple of times to let my mom know that part of my issues in therapy had to do with things that happened as a child. But she claims that nothing happened that would have caused me any problems today, except maybe leaving me with alot of babysitters. She claims my problem is just my hormones.

So. . .these are the kind of things that have happened that have resulted in me carrying around a huge amount of hurt, pain, and terrible self-esteem. I haven't felt loved by my parents and see how other parents treat their children so much better. At my mom's job, she said some of her coworkers didn't even know she had kids, so apprently she didn't have our pictures on her desk. As a retiree, she said that she was bored spending time with other retired couples because "They always want to talk about their children and grandchildren, but I want to talk about my job and how important it was to me." My dad also told my husband once that if they could "do it all over," they would not have had kids.

My family can't communicate about anything important. My mom expects me to be happy and positive all the time, and she refuses to acknowledge anything painful or bad. So when she comes to visit, I put on a happy face and go shopping with her and do my best to get through the visit. But I feel like I have to hide so much of who I am. It feels so superficial. And in some ways, I feel like I don't even know my parents, and they don't know me. Except for my dad when he's drinking, we never tell each other how we feel about one another. Even important things are sometimes kept secret. For example, some years ago, my parents divorced. They said it was for tax reasons. But they never told me. I found out accidentally. When I asked my mom why they hadn't told me, she said "We decided it was none of your business."

Still. . .when my mom comes to vist, she gives me money to go shopping. And she also has used her sewing and crocheting skills to make me a quilt, afghans, placemats for my table, etc. So how can I feel that my anger and pain is justified, when she also does nice things for me?

I'm just so confused. . .I feel like I have to deny my own experience of being hurt and needing therapy - because what I've gone through isn't "bad enough" to warrant me having problems or needing help. Sometimes, I get in touch with my pain and it is so bad and so deep. But other times, I just feel ashamed of myself for complaining to my therapist or for making my parents look bad.

Can somebody please help me sort things out? I swing from one end of the spectrum to the other - and I just don't know if I can trust my own feelings.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical. You not only were verbally abused but also neglected, and that changes your brain structure, and it still is going on today. You have every right to feel the way you do! it is totally acceptable and reasonable, and frankly I'm amazed about how strong you are. You definitely have every reason to feel the way you do and to be in therapy. I am glad you are getting help for this. That's awful what your family is doing to you, it's odd how parents can pick out one child to be the good and the other to be the no-good. It's part of BPD--which your mother/father may or may not have. my Mother did, and I was the never-good child.

Just because she does nice things it doesn't erase all the harm she does and continues to do--that's called emotional manipulation.....I was just reading an article on it this morning, let me get it for you.

8 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation | Karenstan - Stunning Quotes & Photos from around the world

It's not surprising your parents try to manipulate you emotionally, they are verbally and emotionally abusing. Also they are in denial because they can't face their own faults, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It isn't your fault.

I'm sorry I know how it feels to be ashamed to be in therapy and wondering if I'm making a big deal out of nothing. What does your T say about these things?

It's mixed messages, isn't it? I'm thinkin, do they really think they're gonna fool St Peter at the pearly gates with this act? Isn't he gonna see right thru them? Like are they just doing enough to keep themselves out of hell? Speaking metaphorically, of course. It really IS wishy-washy. They used to call this crazy-making, like in the 1950's; they thought parents could "make" their kids schizophrenic with crazy-making behavior.

You are totally entitled to feel how you feel. Why did they do it? My only answer is - because they could get away with it. Maybe it's time for them to pay the piper. You can do whatever you want. You just have to be responsible for your actions. I'm alone, and that is fine with me. I went to the hospital last year, and it was the first time i didnt tell my family - it was a relief not to have their craziness and phoniness around me.

I'm struggling with a similar thing especially as my job is with abused kids. My t constantly points out the drip drip of neglect and not getting needs met can be worse than occasions of definite abuse. I'm sorry you're struggling with this and hope you manage to make some sort of peace with it. Yes, you can trust your feelings but its what you do with it that hopefully your t can help with.

You have every right in the book to be in therapy. What your parents did and are still doing are horrible. My heart breaks for you I wish I could help you more. Trust your feelings, they deserve to be validated and therapy is a perfect place for that to happen.

Hello Peaches ~ I am glad to hear you have someone to sort this out with, your therapist can validate your feelings & help you work on the best way to deal with them and future behaviors & feelings regarding your family members. For now, perhaps the simple encounters, shopping etc. are all any of you can manage. It is okay to be in that place. It will give you time to consider and resolve the conflicts you are feeling so keenly.

I guess, for me, feelings are an evolving thing, especially when you are sorting long past events. At some point, after you face the pain, live with the pain for awhile, you have to move on to a place of safety within yourself. You are acknowledging the painful things now, but perhaps your conflict with yourself is just that you see that your parents are human. They are good, they are bad, they made some good choices, some bad ones.
It says to me that you have a great heart and the ability to weigh the damage done and not let it be the only thing you see. You have an extraordinary resilience.
I think, acceptance as whole, flawed people is all any of us can hope for. If you are able to do that with your family, as many, many of us have had to do, you are the better person for it.
The effort to understand what happened and who/how it made you who you are, those are priceless gifts you are giving yourself. You should be very proud of who you are now, and who you are becoming.

I wish you only the very best as you continue on this journey.

I don't think you need to have survived a particular set of circumstances to "deserve" therapy. Your parents don't need to have reached some objective benchmark of awfulness to justify you getting help. They did some really awful things and you had to live with a lot of insecurity, anxiety and shame for many years. That doesn't mean that they are thoroughly horrible in every way or that there is nothing good about them at all. But it also doesn't mean that a lovely crocheted afghan somehow nullifies the lack of love and warmth, verbal abuse, neglect and emotional violence that you suffered. The existence of the afghan or a moment of kindness doesn't disprove (or compensate for) a terrible childhood. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling traumatized and angry about having had an extremely difficult childhood just because your parents do some nice things (or because you've heard stories of abuse that seem more horrific.)

Why do you feel you need to deny your own experiences of being hurt? My T constantly advises me not to compare. Sure, we can always find someone who has had it 'worse' so we think we don't deserve help.

There's no question that you must trust your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings. They need no justification.

I know it can be confusing when the people/person who has hurt us also can be seen being 'nice' to us. Then we question our judgment of what had happened. But even if all someone 'did' to us was give us a dirty look but we felt pain from that, we deserve help with coping with our feelings about it. There's no right or wrong in this. We don't need to have the perfect excuse for our feelings. We feel. That's enough.

Listen to your feelings. Give them voice. Honor them with some attention. They're begging for you to pay attention.

My experience in therapy was that I finally stopped feeling so ashamed and guilty about 'complaining' about my abuser and began to believe that my feelings had validity because they were MY feelings.

We tend to criticize ourselves so easily. And probably that ease originates because we experienced criticism so regularly. And it's somehow safer to acknowledge our 'faults' before anyone else can point them out to us.

With the help of my therapist, I have been able to step away from this self-defeating thinking and love myself a bit more. Shame and guilt about my own feelings also eased up quite a bit.

So, be gentle with yourself and try not to deny yourself the right to have your feelings. They're yours - claim them.

Hugs

Hi everybody who answered me. My parents are here for a visit, so I can't let myself think very much about this subject or read the replies much yet because otherwise I won't be able to handle their visit. I have to block off alot of this pain just to get through the visit and have it go well.

But I appreciate every response, and I will come back and reply after their visit is over.

I appreciate this community so much.

Peaches