http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...right-now.html

I'm so happy that I wrote that thread three weeks ago! (I linked it above.) I'm sorry it has taken me so long to come back on here and write this thread, but thank yall so much for responding to it and all the great advice and suggestions and thinking points yall gave me. I called the next day after that thread and yall's help and made an appointment for the next week. I went twice that week since it was the week before Christmas and my T's practice was closed that week. I was so nervous going in there..but she was just so happy to see me come back. I apologized for basically leaving her hanging. She thanked me and let me know we all make mistakes and that she was concerned and thinking about me. She wanted to know how I was and what I had been up to. I told her I knew I was sick and still had a lot of work to do with her and things I needed to work out with her. She agreed. We talked about my bulimia and laxative abuse and how that was going and what I have been doing in regards to that. We basically went right back into our sessions. It was a good first session back. At the end she said lets go make another appointment for after the holidays and I said well I alreqdy made another appointment with you for tomorrow. She just started laughing and said "Awesome!".

The next day appointment was way more open. I was opening up to her the day before about my thoughts on AA and just getting out how I truly felt...it was the start of me really opening up compared to how I was prior to not going for a month..where I was open..but not truly
getting there. The next day appointment I went to a place where I don't let anyone in. I told her things that I haven't opened up to anyone about. There is still more there to talk about and that I need to open up to T about..but I believe it was a good start. She gave me the best compliment at the end of our session. She told me this was the most balanced she has seen me. I believe the month away was needed perhaps. I had a session with her last night after the week break and I didn't want to get into what we talked about the last session the week before...but we, instead, talked about seeing family over Christmas and family issues and things that happened over the holiday week. I just didn't know how to go back to that other place that I was at the week before. At least I know that I can safely and comfortably go to that place with T now though.

[Daeva]

I've been there, where you finally let your T in, your walls crumble and they see your vulnerable insecurities, you tell them things you'd swore you never tell anyone. You really feel like you made great progress and had a breakthrough and did some good work, however the next sessions are nothing like that and it's like you retreated back into your castle and are back at a somewhat square one.

That I have found through the help of PC and my ex-C, is normal. A lot of times it is either a combination of your T wanting to pace you and give you time to recover instead of harming you by bringing it all out at once, or your own defences trying to heal you, which is perfectly normal. This does not mean you won't ever get back to that spot with your T, you will. It sounds like you have quite the journey ahead of you, just know you're on the right track!

Originally Posted by Daeva

I've been there, where you finally let your T in, your walls crumble and they see your vulnerable insecurities, you tell them things you'd swore you never tell anyone. You really feel like you made great progress and had a breakthrough and did some good work, however the next sessions are nothing like that and it's like you retreated back into your castle and are back at a somewhat square one.

That I have found through the help of PC and my ex-C, is normal. A lot of times it is either a combination of your T wanting to pace you and give you time to recover instead of harming you by bringing it all out at once, or your own defences trying to heal you, which is perfectly normal. This does not mean you won't ever get back to that spot with your T, you will. It sounds like you have quite the journey ahead of you, just know you're on the right track!

Exactly. Though, now looking back at last night's session, I don't think I really retreated...so much as I realized that letting more out last night would have been too much for me to do and handle so soon after letting so much out the week before. She did ask me how I felt since that session and I admit I believe I was a little vague on answering her. I think she also realizes that I need to be able to pace myself after we talked about the whole AA thing. She was in no way mad or hates me like I thought she would. We actually met on middle ground with that, which I'm glad about. I'm not entirely against AA or going to meetings to help me on some level...because they did help me to a good extent...but she is not going to be pushing AA on me and making it a central focus of my recovery like she was.

Thanks for posting and letting us know!