OH my god what did i do ???

wow does this make perfect sense . it sure felt like she held back any real response .and I really do feel like I did something wrong or that she couldn't handle the information I told her. problem is truly I don't know if I gave her the chance to .I just don't know. I was terrified and my head was spinning like crazy with bunches of thoughts . I did kind of ramble a lot about a lot mixed up like my wedding the mother pushing me down stairs and my head being cut open, how I hate people ,the abusers mother being a big cheese at the hospital, being forced to have breakfast with her. all kinds of things.in a very short time . I definitely think I was looking for something else but might not have given her the chance because I was so terrified of her response I was not going to let her . but then I may be full of BS and just making it all ok in my mind and figuring out a way to make it my fault and keeping her all good. I did just dump it on her kind of out of no place after 4 years mixed in with a bunch of other stuff after I have not seen her in 3 weeks.

but MKAC I do agree that this is a huge thing for me .I have never ever talked to a T about this stuff (many have tried) if this is how my T is going to deal with it by almost acting like I never said anything and allowing me to go hide back in my hole until I am ready again it might be another 4 years before I am .that wont work. on my part I don't know how to say anything to her about it because I am terrified to appear as over needy, a way bigger part of me doesn't want to deal with it at all, I don't want her mad at me, the idea of looking for a new T is scary. I have a hope that she will be willing to meet me more then half way on this if she feels it is something to talk about because I do need her to .

I still cant believe I even said anything. when I think about it it is like a memory without any reality attached to it at all .a made up thing. it could be easy to ignore and forget .it was only like 3 sentences on my part

mkac - that was very helpful to me too, because I think it explains why I sometimes feel therapy is like torture....my T also confirmed with me that he is intentionally "neutral" when I complained about his blank-slate nature during our sessions.

That article explains a lot...maybe I can try to be more direct and less subtle about it because I can tell him what I DO need rather than what I don't. I couldn't do that before because I didn't know what I need in a way that I could verbalize it. This article gives me a place to start, so thanks

The full article is at: kspope.com/memory/relationship.php

It took me forever and many efforts to read this article. My brain just couldn't get a grip it on.

I just remembered another thing my T said that I am not sure how to take .it might have been her way of making things ok and say I did well.

when I told her that I refused to go to the funeral she said "good now I don't have to tell you not to go" she may have said good now I don't have to worry and tell you not to go but not sure she said to worry . that just might be me putting words in her mouth.

I really am trying to find and remember the good things

good for you, granite! I bet she did say that because doesn't she always tell you not to engage with your mother? i'm glad you are looking for the good as well

im so scared and am having such a hard time. I just want to sleep these days away. I should have never said anything about the csa at all. my T will not be able to win with this one at all .if she wants me to bring it up I wont ,not ever again. if she doesn't it will be proof that she couldn't handle me even saying the few sentences I did. .if she does bring it up I don't think I can talk about it any more . I cant handle her not caring at all about it. I don't want to me a spoiled miserable brat wining about something that was no big deal and so long ago. I don't blame her .I need to get over all of this crap .after 4 years id be sick of me also .I am. sorry to be so miserable again .I know I bring it on myself .just want to vent. I will feel so horribly disgusting sitting in that stupid chair with her staring at me saying nothing .knowing what I did and was done to me . how sickening

I think i can relate. What t texting me merry xmas felt like was, "dont include me now when you excluded me before." It made me feel bad for him or anyone to be nice to me. I told him it was the first thing i should have told him, seven years ago or whenever. But i think the f er distracted and confused me by being extra nice. Wily.

I'm very sorry that you're feeling like that... I don't think that I can cheer you up so I just send my

7 years ago I revealed something about csa to one T (saw her only once) and my parents, and I still regret it, I felt like you might feel now - I couldn't understand how stupid I had been that I thought that talking about it could help... So I just ignored the fact that I've ever spoken about it and other people did the same... And it took me 7 years to realize that actually I have to talk about if I want to move on and that it's not my fault that some people (also including Ts) cannot handle it and that I had to look for a good T... And I found one, and I know that it was a good decision... I only hope that you won't need as much time as I needed to realize that it's not your fault that your T has no idea how to handle so big problems...

Granite...
Please be gentle with yourself. Yeah you have been in therapy but most of which you had a hard time talking. You have come so far. Please don't give up now. You deserve to be heard and heal. Take it as slow as you need but please don't give up.

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im sorry hankster

thanks someone im so sorry you have had to go through this also. I am terrified of what might happen. I do have a list of T and numbers incase this all blows up in my face .I am sure it will .like I said I think I put this T in a place that she will not be able to win no matter what she does. I don't knoe how to even move forward with this and I don't see her as being able to help me with this if she cant handle it either

it is hard to even see anything through being so humiliated and scared .I will go to T for the most part I always do . but I just don't know how it will go .if she is going to just sit in judgment of me the whole session I will be so devastated. im scared to find a new T. I tried once and didn't have great luck with that .no one wanted to work with me. I contacted 4 T's. I hate that I stupidly put myself in this situation. If T ignores it I think I will go through the huge realization that I should have kept my mouth shut .but time heals and maybe ill just move on alsoand be able to work on other things with her

Do you think that you could address these fears at the session? That you could tell your T what you wrote in this forum (e.g. once I told my T that I hate his lack of empathy and that I don't know if I can trust him etc. and that actually was our best session till now)... Maybe then, if you can "confront" with your T, making any decision would be easier for you?

And also if you decide to look for another T, maybe you could find someone who has mentioned (e.g. in internet) that has an experience with csa? Such Ts should be better prepared then...

Granite...
I don't think T was judging you. At worst she was definitely having a bad day and wasn't the giving you the support you need.
Just a quick question: in an ideal situation what would you have liked T to do for you that session? I ask because it might help you assert your needs if you can figure that out and let her know those are the things you need when you talk about CSA, mother, or other difficult topics.

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If your T is silent and seems like she is judging you when you go in next, can you ask her "are you mad at me?" And just see where that takes you? Chances are is that shes not amd she is trying to let you lead on this topic, maybe because she thinks you know best in how much you want to talk about it.

I have appointments with 2 potential T's now this T wont even return my call no now that is against the roules .she will sit in silence unless I talk she doesn't care about my past .ahe will not read letters texts or e-mails. and she even forgot that she saw me for a session last week and the most horrible thing that took me 4 years to be able to tell her . I am devastated and feel so expendable. I never thought she could ever make me feel this way an so unimportant just like every one else in my life .and Im suppose to believe it isn't me

It. Isn't. You!!! It is about HER inflexibility and inability to find a way to help you communicate.

I know on the basic level it isn't me. but deep down it hurts so horrible .

Granite, I do believe a different T with a different approach may be able to make the painful process of healing from this kind of trauma a little easier for you. Someone who is more responsive, more aware, and more open to different approaches could have the potential to help you so much more.

It really isn't you, Granite. You have been through so much and are so dedicated to your own healing, despite how uncomfortable and painful it is for you. It really doesn't seem as though current T has the courage to walk with you on the journey you need to travel. She has shown time and time again that she can't go with you down that road. That is not your failing. That is likely a reflection of her training, her personality and her own fears. There WILL be someone out there who can help you through this process more effectively, and I applaud you for having the courage to keep looking for that person.

There ARE plently of Ts out there who DO have the courage to hear the stories of our pain and stay with us as we process the trauma and find a way out the other side. The next T you find could well be one of those gems.

I copied and pasted this from the couch didn't want to type it all again lol but this is the letter I sent to my T

I was hoping you would return my crazy call and I was going to tell you then. but its ok I guess calls are off limits now also ..I just didn't want to just drop this on you .I don't know why I guess I want to think it would matter. Or the right thing to do . I will be coming on Tuesday if you will see me but to terminate . I didn't want to just come there and say ok I'm gone .I owe you more then that . at least I hope you feel that way because I did start to feel somewhat connected to . probably why this has happened. I have set up meetings with a few therapists and I hope one will be willing to work with me (its ok to feel sorry or them I sure do) i hope I can do better .I'll try. one on wednsday and one on Thursday. and im waiting on two others. it would be nice if you could be a little hopeful for me

I don't know how much of this I can say when I get there .as I know this session will be so so hard for me (I know all about me again) but I just feel I cant do what you want me to do. not on my own,not with out help. hell I didn't even really understand what you wanted from me . I have such a hard time opening up or even being able to talk at times (like Tuesday) I think you just wanted me to talk and when I couldn't you would sit there and get so so angry at me and I know you don't believe this but I needed help and I know that seems to be a boundary you have and couldn't help me. it just wasn't going to ever work .I was having a hard time saying anything and you felt I could and couldn't help me . I need to respect that but it just was not going to work.it never was so clear to me then on Tuesday. the week before I told you one of the most disgusting secretes I had .one that took me 4 years to be able to even speak. last Tuesday you didn't even remember you had a session with me the week before . never mind what I said . you started the session with "so it has been a few weeks sense we have met " it was so so devastating for me to even walk into that room knowing what I said. Iit disgusting and I don't blame you at all I really don't. but when you told me at the end of the session if I want to discuss something I was going to have to bring it up I knew it was not something I was ever going to be able to do .I thought you were always going to help me . but **** all these stupid misunderstandings really mess with my head . I hope for thing that I know cant happen .I am so so sorry.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom Tuesday you helped me also .it hasn't been bad .if I was not so resistant and difficult to deal with maybe things would have worked.i guess I gust don't have any idea how the heck to do therapy . I hope one of these new people can help me figure that out. you did one amazing thing though. you have made it easier when I was seeing you to say no to the mother . that was not easy and with your help I have done it a few time .maybe even more .

if you read this thank you and ill see you tuesday

Granite, best wishes finding a T you who is willing to 'listen' to what you can say in writing. You need someone who can hear what you cannot say out loud, and someone who knows when to be proactive about helping you to feel safe enough to share about your self. Those Ts are out there, so keep looking til you find the right one.

Do you have any idea about what kind of questions you'd like to ask them when you interview them? (Questions like... do you allow email contact between sessions when necessary? What strategies do you use to support a client who has difficulty trusting / opening up / talking? Have you worked with clients with childhood traumas and histories of abusive?)

YAY GRANITE. i am SO GLAD you put it all out there! I hope it really gives clarity to your T, and either way I hope you start heading in a new and more positive direction.

Woo!

not yet I have not. im not so worried about the e-mail I am use to not being able to. but being able to write something and give it to her to read or mail it snail mail or call when I need to .I can understand the hesitance to allow calling but I don't hardly ever do that because that would mean I need to talk.

thanks Velcro it is going ti one freaking long week .I hop ya all are ready and im sorry ahead of time

What makes you think that she has banned phone calls? WHen did you call?

And at this point, WHO CARES what she thinks if you plan on terminating? That is why it is so freeing just to put it out there. If she doesn't read it (and I highly doubt it, who just deletes emails from clients?) Her limitations are HER limitations! Meaning these shortcomings are just part of this therapist's way of working, and it does not reflect upon you. I think she probably is a good T, but maybe just can't figure out the best way to help you.