[coltranefanatic]

Hi there, I've been the overly questioning force on the "Romantic Feelings Toward Therapist" thread, as I'm brand new to therapy, and having massive transference issues toward my therapist that I feel are being met with mixed messages and weirdness.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/roman...nsference.html

That's the link to my story should anyone dare to read it.

I have no idea what I'm freaking doing. But I'm going. Weekly, now, whereas before my transference was keeping me from going weekly. I just don't understand how this man can make eyes at me, then tell me bout boundaries, but continue to be so flirtatious. He does make progress, he doesn't only flirt, but he does flirt. I really like my T as a person and a therapist, I think frankly, he's the only part of therapy I like, the rest of it makes me feel like I'm digging out my own spleen with a blunt spoon.

My hardest session happened yesterday. It was the second time back since I made my confessions. The session was extremely tense from the jump, as I came inside, sat down, and could barely look at him. When I did, he had a smoldering long smile and I was like "oh STOPPPPPPPP!!!!!" But it broke the ice, we talked about how I should learn to relate to him, and how I have massive issues being vulnerable. And finally I asked, "what do you get out of this?" And then came the long smile and a lot of blushing, but I decided, to take some power back (or so I thought) and said "I'd hate to think this is really ALL bout me. I know you see hundreds of patients, I know we're not really special, but in these moments, I would think beyond a paycheck, you get something out of seeing me" And he smiled and said "there are just some things for your safety and for ethical reasons, that I can't tell you about, can't answer for you and there are boundaries we must have." When he said that, he was serious, friendly but serious, but he's just...always flirting with me, and it's only now that we're starting to go backwards, deeeeep into the dark murky hellish childhood I had. I'm....so scared.

I want this transference to GO AWAY. I want anything to take it away because I want to only need therapy ONE time in my life, be cured and then be able to live a good life. I love my husband, I adore him, our sex life is fantastic, we're amazing together. This is a distraction that is rendering me to tears every day since it happened.

[CantExplain]

Therapists are aware that many patients are highly suggestible and are very careful how they use that influence.

If T told you what he gets out of it, you would probably try to feed into that and become what you think he wants you to be. It's not for him to decide what you should be.

If I were a T, what I would get out of it is watching my patients grow. But it would be dangerous to say even that. The patient might feel she was not growing fast enough.

[anilam]

This, in my book, is a very, very badly put answer...
I asked my T the same Q once- I know he could easily get another client- needs a paycheck but not necessarily mine ...so why putting up with all my *** ? He said its because he thinks he can help me- very simple

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Therapists are aware that many patients are highly suggestible and are very careful how they use that influence.

If T told you what he gets out of it, you would probably try to feed into that and become what you think he wants you to be. It's not for him to decide what you should be.

If I were a T, what I would get out of it is watching my patients grow. But it would be dangerous to say even that. The patient might feel she was not growing fast enough.

Really good answer. I could see how i could mess up on this.

[PeeJay]

I dunno. The T sounds like he's encouraging you to adore him. I get an icky gut feeling from reading your post.

My T told me that it is a privilege to sit with people in their tough and intimate moments. And that she did the work because people often have more potential than they realize. I think she likes to bring the goodness out in people, and also the work is intellectually stimulating.

That answer was fine with me.

This answer that you got suggests to me that the T wants you to take some hint that he's attracted to you. "There are just some things for your safety and for ethical reasons, that I can't tell you about, can't answer for you and there are boundaries we must have."

What does that even MEAN?

[stopdog]

They get vicarious emotions, it is indoors, not very physically demanding, they have an enormous amount of autonomy, they get to label and blame clients rather than admit they are wrong and they get paid.

My former T was open about this; he said of course there are certain patients a T enjoys more than others for a variety of reasons. Just like relationships outside of therapy. So I think your Ts answer was good since he wasn't being fake or dishonest.

CantExplain If T told you what he gets out of it, you would probably try to feed into that and become what you think he wants you to be.

Sort of like what CantExplain said-he can't get caught up in your pattern. He prevents this, in part, by being non-reactive so that you both will eventually get to the core of things.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

This answer that you got suggests to me that the T wants you to take some hint that he's attracted to you. "There are just some things for your safety and for ethical reasons, that I can't tell you about, can't answer for you and there are boundaries we must have."

What does that even MEAN?

In context of everything else, I think other reasons stated would have been rejecting. I actually think he had the perfect answer for the situation.

[coltranefanatic]

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

In context of everything else, I think other reasons stated would have been rejecting. I actually think he had the perfect answer for the situation.

I'm confused? Probably because I'm reading this wrong. He wants to...reject me but doesn't...want to reject me?

If he wants to reject me, then why..provoke and seduce me?

Originally Posted by coltranefanatic

I'm confused? Probably because I'm reading this wrong. He wants to...reject me but doesn't...want to reject me?

If he wants to reject me, then why..provoke and seduce me?

No, it's probably me. I'm just having a bad day and am messing up all around.

He doesn't want to seem rejecting. Rejecting, in your efforts to seduce, would have been like saying-no, I get nothing from you-I am all about benevolence and treating patients. At the same time, he doesn't want to be too accepting either.

I can't see how he is being provocative (but understand you are totally seeing him that way). I just think he cannot be rejecting. He has to let you seem like you seduce him. Because rejecting that right now is rejecting you.

Sorry, I can't find a good way to explain it. Maybe someone else will. I probably should sign off now.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

They get vicarious emotions, it is indoors, not very physically demanding, they have an enormous amount of autonomy, they get to label and blame clients rather than admit they are wrong and they get paid.

Sometimes they cry.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Sometimes they cry.

My T realized yesterday that I do not show any emotion like anger or sadness and I admitted that I cannot imagine myself crying at the session, then he said that maybe first he will have to do that for me - that really freaked me out - T crying?! I really hope that it won't happen...

I read his reply as just saying he can't and won't answer that question because it would just complicate your already complicated transference. You phrased your question in a way that suggested you wanted a particularly affectionate preferential response. There was no way he could have answered that question without created an issue. Kind of like asking your husband "Do these pants make my butt look big?" He's damned no matter what answer he gives.