[IndestructibleGirl]

I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this?

Lately (past month or six weeks) I've started to feel a real change in myself. Largely thanks to therapy, I don't really believe I'm utterly worthless at my core in my most private thoughts/ feelings anymore. This worthlessness really took hold of me in the last few years after my mother died. Before that I certainly has doubts and pain and problems to do with various things, but not all the time, it was far far less when I had my unwavering life force of my mother at my side. So, I've kind of got back to that point I suppose, and feel able to keep rooting out the damage.

So in one way I feel great. Strong again. Less panicky. More certain that I can do with my life the stuff I want to do.

But in another way I am really sad.

I've spent YEARS of my life floundering. I have many memories that I treasure, have done a few things I am very proud of, but I feel I lived it all the wrong way. Wasted so much time. It feels like so much of my struggle was needless, if only I'd had the right support or love or whatever it is. All I have achieved is immensely important to me, because it felt/ feels so hard to do it, but in reality my achievements are extremely modest and humble.

Also, my T is truly wonderful. But again I find it sad that I had so failed to be lovable in 'real' life that I had to seek out a stranger to help fix me. Having somebody be so good to me is awesome, and I know she cares. In the real world my close friendships are blooming, however, when I have a relationship as intense or intimate as the therapy one (like with my birth mother, or a romantic partner) it always goes wrong. So I'm scared therapy is kind of like an intravenous drip, making me feel wonderful and nourished and strong - but it can't always be there. Nor would I want it to.

This post is pointless I guess. I don't know. I'm obviously happy to be feeling better, but just sad too. I can't seem to genuinely accept how things were. I suppose I think, oh look, I wasn't worthless after all, so why had I myself and so many other people fooled that I was?

[Syra]

This makes sense to me. I'm glad you are feeling better. If you felt better once, you can feel better again. It will happen more and more often. It's not like an IV. You aren't in T when you are home, and you are feeling better at home, amidst sadness at times too. You may have gotten better because of T, but the feeling better isn't limited to time with T

[Onyx999]

Hey there. I've been in a similar situation and I can definitely relate. I've always known I was intelligent, but I had lots of insecurity as a child. Largely (I realize now) due to a narcissistic mother and divorce issues. My Dad (while having his own issues ) was my life-line. As I got older we got closer. When he died 11 years ago, I spiraled down for 2 years into massive depression.

But it got better with meds and counseling. It still gets bad sometimes, but with counseling and treatment it can continue to get better. It is a continuous process and sometimes it's hard work. But as @Syra (What's up California in the house!!!! ) said if you felt better once, you can feel better again. Hang in there. I know its hard.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you both for your thoughts and insight.

To be clear though...I am feeling vastly better in many ways - and it's not that that's gone. I'm not having a set back as such, in fact it feels like going somewhere new and unfamiliar. It's this very strange sensation of knowing I have ironed out a chunk of myself and am a lot stronger and more energized but at the same time feeling a sense of loss. Loss I'm only allowing myself to genuinely confront now. Tis bittersweet.

Maybe this is the 'grieving' part I've heard of, where I stop shying away from looking at all I never had, and should have had, and finally acknowledge it? I have never really been able to do that before. It either made me a flailing mess automatically feeling my only real option would be to die, and so I had to reverse quickly out of the feelings, or I just denied/ minimized/ gas-lighted myself, I suppose to feel I was still ultimately in control.

I had a dark, dark mood earlier after a rough day, where I thought my sense of self-worth was slipping away, but I think I've managed to hang on to it by skin of teeth. Really pleased about that, that I still believe I'm worth something to myself, even if I'm muddled and doubtful as to whether I'll ever be worth anything to anyone else.

Ick. I hate therapy.

[CantExplain]

Therapy brings old pain to the surface. Then you can grieve properly. But it feels awful.

And therapy doesn't stop bad things happening.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

however, when I have a relationship as intense or intimate as the therapy one (like with my birth mother, or a romantic partner) it always goes wrong.

It may have gone wrong in the past but you are not finished yet. I married when I was 39, after a zillion years of therapy and because of therapy. The new perspective/therapy you will spread to the intense/intimate you too so you won't fail there, you will find someone who wants you to be and can help you be the best you you can be and you'll want to "rescue him right back" to put in Julia Roberts/"Pretty Woman" terms.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thank you both for your thoughts and insight.

To be clear though...I am feeling vastly better in many ways - and it's not that that's gone. I'm not having a set back as such, in fact it feels like going somewhere new and unfamiliar. It's this very strange sensation of knowing I have ironed out a chunk of myself and am a lot stronger and more energized but at the same time feeling a sense of loss. Loss I'm only allowing myself to genuinely confront now. Tis bittersweet.

Maybe this is the 'grieving' part I've heard of, where I stop shying away from looking at all I never had, and should have had, and finally acknowledge it? I have never really been able to do that before. It either made me a flailing mess automatically feeling my only real option would be to die, and so I had to reverse quickly out of the feelings, or I just denied/ minimized/ gas-lighted myself, I suppose to feel I was still ultimately in control.

I had a dark, dark mood earlier after a rough day, where I thought my sense of self-worth was slipping away, but I think I've managed to hang on to it by skin of teeth. Really pleased about that, that I still believe I'm worth something to myself, even if I'm muddled and doubtful as to whether I'll ever be worth anything to anyone else.

Ick. I hate therapy.

Yeah I think you're right about the grieving part. You work and work and make sense of things and the depression kind of turns to an unbearable sadness. I'm going through something similar where I feel better in some ways but totally overwhelmed by sadness about what I really needed but didn't get. My T says you just have to grieve this but I'm not even sure what grieving is or how it works in this context. I guess if I think of all those Kubler-Ross stages I can see that I'm going through some of them (anger, denial, acceptance) in coming to terms with having had some very poor parenting and a very difficult adolescence.

[shezbut]

I can really relate, IndestructibleGirl.

You didn't make a mistake for posting this experience and your thoughts/feelings towards it.

I understand what you're saying ~ but you aren't weak without your T. Rather, your T has done a great job & you're thankful! At the same time, though, it sounds like you're a little scared to let go.

Unless your T has said that the end is coming, I would try not to worry about that right now. Instead, focus on now. Getting even stronger and more self-confident in your abilities. You will eventually reach a point where you both agree that letting go is okay.

[Aloneandafraid]

I relate to this. Thank you for sharing. My T told me she will work with me for a year from now and then we will review - she said we may end then or decide we need to continue. I am really confused emotionally. I don't want to stop seeing her (ever!) but realise I can't see Her forever. I was surprised she thought I may need to see her for another year and worry why she thinks it will take so long - sorry I am not making sense. Just full of mixed thoughts. I am pleased in a way she has said a year as it gives me time to work through lots of things. I just feel so mixed up. I felt sad and relieved, afraid and grateful?! don't know what I'm asking or anything - just thought I would share.