[rothfan6]

How do I tell my T I feel rejected by him? I sort of want to bring it up but that means I'm attached and trust him. I don't like that I am or that I want to reach out for help. It goes against all my defenses. This is why I don't trust or let people get close. I get hurt. If someone is close enough to influence my emotions it's time sabotage the relationship and run. I do sessions online and we were discussing self harm and I told him I was struggling with wanting to lately and that's how it was left. I haven't heard back since. I feel silly and childish that it's bothering me that he hasn't responded but it's been 4 days when we typically talk once a day or more. Sorry for venting I don't know what I'm looking for from this post. I'm just hurting and don't know what to do with it.

[Leah123]

I don't feel it's silly or childish of you at all to want reassurance from your therapist, that's part of why we hire them! It's normal to become attached in many cases and that actually can help the work get done better, the issues to resolve, but it is agitating to deal with the attachment and fear of rejection or loss, I know. I also do therapy online.

Does he know he's supposed to respond to you at this point, or could he be waiting for you to initiate contact? Many therapists, including mine, won't normally intrude on clients by reaching out, they won't initiate contact, so as not to pressure the customers or impose their own wishes on them.

I hope you can find the courage to tell your therapist that after talking about the difficult subject of self harm, not hearing back from him worried you. Perhaps you can just start that way, and ask why he hasn't replied yet?

Anyhow, I can empathize and I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now.

[rothfan6]

Thanks for the reassurance. It makes it a little easier to tolerate. He knows he's suppose to respond. It's like one long text chat. I post, he responds. He's missed a day here and there before but not this long.

This is all I came up with to tell him. What do you think?
"I feel like you bailed on me. I know your probably busy or something but this sucks. You usually write back by now."

[Leah123]

I do emails as well with my therapist and more than once she's missed one. I use LivePerson and their email format causes complications. So, it's perhaps possible there's a technical reason or some type of emergency/trip/unexpected commitment he's been dealing with as well.

Regarding your message, I think you should send it. It's good to be honest, and his job is to encourage that and help make things easier for you emotionally, so... hopefully he'll appreciate it!

I hope it goes well, bravery usually pays off for me with my therapist.

[rothfan6]

I'm trying to get up the courage to send it and not edit it. It seems rude though especially if he did have something come up that's keeping him from answering or he didn't get my message altogether.

[Leah123]

Well, if you're worried about the wording, here's another suggestion, more what I would say:

"I feel vulnerable because I talked to you about a really difficult topic on _________. I am worried that I haven't heard back from you yet, if that is because I've said too much, but I am also wondering if something maybe came up or you didn't see my message? Please let me know, I'm feeling really uncomfortable after not hearing back for so long."

[rothfan6]

Thank you! I really appreciate it. That explained a lot better what I am feeling. I changed it some and then sent it before I could change my mind.

[Leah123]

Good for you! I can tell you, I've gone through a lot of agony sending messages like that the past 10 months since I started therapy again. Waiting for replies, I feel so afraid wondering if I've said too much, said something wrong, exposed myself too far, etc.

But... it's worked out. I really hope it works out for you. A good therapist should be available, supportive, and understanding when you reveal serious things like that.

[rothfan6]

Well I feel stupid now He'd been sick with a cold and missed my message.

[Raging Quiet]

I'm glad he got back to you.. 4 days is a long time if you speak everyday. Do you have set times to email or just email when you need to?

[rothfan6]

Yeah it was frustrating. There's not usually a set time. I work night shift so I write him after work in the morning and he usually writes back in the evenings after work. Sometimes we set a time to talk though. I'm more mad at myself than anything for wanting the connection and missing it.

[rothfan6]

How do you ever trust your T only seeing them once a week for an hour? I've been talking with mine for 4 months and still struggle with trust. I've thought about therapy face2face but I think I would waste a ton of time and money before I could even trust enough to do any work.

[Nightlight]

I try to remind myself that it's a privilege to have the ability to have one hour of help each fortnight and I try to make the most of what I do have.

I think the therapy relationship amplifies unhelpful patterns of behaviour that occur in real life. So each time something happens that triggers my I’ve been abandoned, forgotten, or rejected sensors, I try to take notice of the way it turns out. If I feel completely okay or even a little bit better once I find out why I’ve been “abandoned, forgotten, or rejected” then I try to hold onto that. The next time it happens, I try to remind myself of what happened the previous time. Except each time it happened, I’d be tested by something that seemed far more difficult than the time before (this was always the real rejection happening now).

To actually make a difference, as awful as it always feels, I’ve found that it needed to occur a number of times (ouch). Eventually those sorts of situations didn’t hurt me as much in therapy or real life. I’m now much more able to be open-minded when something like that happens, rather than jumping to conclusions that do me no good. I’ve found that eventually it moves beyond being able to imagine something happening that would not be about being rejected (like you did this time), but it actually begins to feel much more okay and survivable when it happens. I think that eventually something clicks and suddenly it’s not just thoughts that may or may not be true, but a whole new understanding of those sorts of situations that develops.

[Leah123]

I am so glad he just had a cold, and it was nothing at all personal or related to the topic you discussed. It's so common to be mad at ourselves for wanting the connection, but that's because we have it backwards: we think we should be completely self-reliant when actually, it is being connected that's most healthy. Try to be compassionate toward yourself: no need to be angry for wanting support.

As for the neediness, I do more than an hour and have two sessions a week and it's been an immense help, it doesn't just give me the contact with my therapist that I enjoy/want but I make much faster progress and get defensive less. Are you able to add another session?

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I try to remind myself that it's a privilege to have the ability to have one hour of help each fortnight and I try to make the most of what I do have.

I think the therapy relationship amplifies unhelpful patterns of behaviour that occur in real life. So each time something happens that triggers my I’ve been abandoned, forgotten, or rejected sensors, I try to take notice of the way it turns out. If I feel completely okay or even a little bit better once I find out why I’ve been “abandoned, forgotten, or rejected” then I try to hold onto that. The next time it happens, I try to remind myself of what happened the previous time. Except each time it happened, I’d be tested by something that seemed far more difficult than the time before (this was always the real rejection happening now).

To actually make a difference, as awful as it always feels, I’ve found that it needed to occur a number of times (ouch). Eventually those sorts of situations didn’t hurt me as much in therapy or real life. I’m now much more able to be open-minded when something like that happens, rather than jumping to conclusions that do me no good. I’ve found that eventually it moves beyond being able to imagine something happening that would not be about being rejected (like you did this time), but it actually begins to feel much more okay and survivable when it happens. I think that eventually something clicks and suddenly it’s not just thoughts that may or may not be true, but a whole new understanding of those sorts of situations that develops.

Thanks for this. It gives me a lot to think about. I'm glad it's gotten easier for you.

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I am so glad he just had a cold, and it was nothing at all personal or related to the topic you discussed.

He was great and understanding. He said he would try to give me a heads up if he's going to be off in the future.

Originally Posted by Leah123

It's so common to be mad at ourselves for wanting the connection, but that's because we have it backwards: we think we should be completely self-reliant when actually, it is being connected that's most healthy.

Exactly. I want to keep everyone at arms length and not accept the help but then miss the connection and really the need the help. It's so backwards and frustrating. A part of me doesn't like the fact I need or want support but I know I should just take it. It's a battle between the kid who asked for help and got abused and the logical adult who knows its should be safe.

I don't really have set session times right now but if I ever get up the courage to go to therapy in person I will probably try to go twice a week. I think I would make more progress that way.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by rothfan6

How do you ever trust your T only seeing them once a week for an hour? I've been talking with mine for 4 months and still struggle with trust. I've thought about therapy face2face but I think I would waste a ton of time and money before I could even trust enough to do any work.

P.S. Four months isn't long. That's roughly 16 hours together, don't be surprised or concerned if you don't feel like dishing every gory detail yet- that can take some time, and part of the healing is in taking your time and not forcing it, but having the chance for him to prove he's trustworthy enough to get to hear and help with your story.

[rothfan6]

I guess your right, 4 months isn't that long. I'm having a hard time being patient and hard on myself and giving him a chance. I start opening up then it worries me and I start looking for reasons to stop therapy.