Fear. What does your T do if you start to cry in session?

I am so scared of the stage I'm at in therapy right now. I feel like an utter idiot for being scared, because I know there's nothing to be scared OF.

We were talking about vulnerability in my session. My T said that I seemed like I was feeling some emotions about the hard stuff we were discussing, but I couldn't let myself 'go' to the vulnerable place. I had to exercise every ounce of self-control I possessed to not allow myself to get upset - I was so close to dissolving into tears and I just CANNOT allow that to happen. Even though I KNOW its safe I was smiling and shaking and fighting desperately hard to stay in control and I just about managed. I can't do vulnerability, I just can't, it has taken this long to be able to even say the word in relation to myself without wanting to throw up.

I am TERRIFIED of what would even happen if I did start weeping. I hate how my face looks, twisted up and so obviously lacking composure - it's the most giant hallmark of all of not being in control. What does your T do in those situations? Say empowering things? Sit silently? Or what?

Thanks for sharing, I do exactly but really exactly the same... And I really hate my nervous laugh during all these moments when the laugh is not the most appropriate expression... I've already told my T that I cannot even imagine crying in front of him and he said that maybe he'll have to do that for me first - that really freaked me out...

I'm also curious how others "first time crying at the session" looked like...

I am the youngest of 5 kids. I can not remember a time when as a child I was allowed to cry. It took me a long time to learn that crying is OK. Could you ask your T if it would be OK to sit with your back turned while you talk about this so you can get through it?

Took me 3.5 years to shed a tear in front of my T. Like you describe, l was terrified of feeling vulnerable making horrible crying sounds, how T would react. But in the end it was fine and l think at that time a real step forward. I didn't plan it, it just happened. l guess it takes time to feel ready to relax enough to let go.

He asks me what is going (in other words, what am having a reaction to). He usually asks me to use my words because he doesn't want me to get completely overwhelmed and dissociate). Then he gives me time to get to the point where I can actually speak. He usually moves his chair closer to me and may ask to hold my hand (he always asks before he touches me).

Thanks for your thoughts.

I was shamed for crying as a kid at quite significant times - when a relative died, when I was diagnosed with a serious illness, etc - so I think it must stem from there. The only person I could do it with and not feel upset about the crying itself was my late mother. Was also relatively ok with it with two serious ex-boyfriends. Until the second left me crying by myself at London Bridge when I was breaking up with him which I think has made me worse again and more secretive about it again.

The one and only time I cried in front of a T was during our last session. I was seeing her for about 2.5 yrs and never cried until that point. She came and sat next to me, rubbed my shoulder and handed me a kleenex. It was fine really. I think it is harder to try and not cry than to just let go. Its probably not going to be as bad as what we are imagining. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to let go. Also, the times I wanted to cry just to show that she meant the world to me, the tears weren't there.

But I am right there with you. I completely understand what you are talking about.

For me it would definitely be more difficult to cry than to hold it back. Physically difficult, I mean. I don't think it will happen (but I also know that you should never say never...) It's not so much a question of not letting go, as of there not being any tears to shed, even though I am often in a great deal of emotional pain during therapy sessions. On one level I would like to be able to cry, but then again I think I would feel much worse afterwards if I did, so I'm kind of glad I don't, too.

I don't know how my T would react but I imagine that he would do nothing, say nothing, and simply remain silent in his chair until I was able to communicate with him again.

T may....

• offer a kleenex
• turn on the ultra-compassionate voice
• offer a lot of affirming statements (eg. repeating what I said to convey understanding or rewording my experience)

I cry a lot now during sessions, took me a while to get there. When I cry, my therapist tells me to just go ahead and cry as long as I need to, and let it all out. She thinks of crying as a good thing, necessary, healing, cleansing I think. We do phone sessions, so I'm not sure what she'd do in person, but she's very comforting. She has a kind, gentle voice and is sympathetic and encouraging. Sometimes if she doesn't quite understand what I'm thinking while I cry, she'll ask me what the tears mean. Early on, especially, she would tell me she would hold all my tears for me, which I think is her way of saying to make it safe to cry and sort of emotionally embrace me while I was upset.

She's a really good person to cry with.

Mine passes me the tissues and talks to me or wait for me to cry it out, depending.

I also hate crying in front of anyone for the same reasons: I know my face looks messed up and it's the first sign that I'm losing control.

I have cried in front of my T already. She actually seems to be a pro a getting me to some form of tears (and I'm not a big cryer!) I get real quiet when I cry. I start whispering, I can't make eye contact, and my communcation is delayed and simplified.

What my T does: hands me tissues first. Then she basically starts mimicing me. She lowers her voice to a whisper. She simplifies her communication and delays it. She does NOT back off from the topic unless I really stop communicating.

I still hate crying, but I like the way my T acts when I do cry. I'm not treated as weak or like a child. It's not made into a big issue, and I like that she meets me at my level.

Last week was actually the first time I've ever noticeably teared up in session. Like a lot of previous posters, I couldn't make eye contact at all. It was like I was holding my breath so I wouldn't hit full-on crying mode. I kept trying to answer T's question, but I started whispering cuz my voice was shaking. Then I couldn't talk at all and started getting shaky. I just kept staring at my lap.

During all this T also got really quiet, and his voice changed to being really, really gentle. He left a lot of silence in between the little he did say. He started saying all the ways he knew this was hard for me, but how he knew that it could get better. Then, when I started calming down a little and finally looked up, his eyes were really watery. He smiled a little and then he asked if I was ready to keep going or if I wanted to talk about something else. Then we kept going, and when I started talking a little louder again, his voice went mostly back to normal as well.

I was so depressed I think he probobly found it refreshing when I finally stopped.
In general it isn't like that anymore, but he doesn't react any differently, although he might comment something like, 'this is something that upsets you'

There have only been a handful of sessions where I haven't cried. Most of the tears come from my own frustration at not being able to communicate in words accurately how I feel about some of what we discuss. Sometimes though my tears seem to come out of nowhere and even I don't know why. Lots of silence and questions about what the crying could be coming from, but only once did I see him slightly upset/totally confused.

I have never cried. I would ask the therapist what they do if clients cry. They might tell you.

She doesn't do anything really. She waits for me to compose myself, or she comments on what i was saying just before i started to cry. She usually uses a softer voice when i am crying but that's about it. She might also acknowledge that I got upset when were were talking about a particular subject to point out that it meant something to me.

I've been in therapy since '92? First one I had I didn't want to cry in front of because she had an attitude that made me feel like I was wasting her time. On my fourth right now. Pretty well used to crying on occasion. Most of the time they let me cry a while. Assure me that it was obviously a painful experience and I will either talk more or let them ask questions. But I do know if it's safe after the first time I do it. I used to be ashamed of crying in front of a T, but I know it is a very common thing to see in their profession, so I didn't feel like I'm some kind of freak that they are having to deal with.

I never cry in session. Horrible, I wish I could!

Crying was not a safe thing to do as a child. It just angered my mother and increased the punishment. It was also used as a threat--the "I'll give you something to cry about" response.

Yet, I cried my eyes out in my first session. I apologized, telling him that I never cried. He said something like "maybe I needed to" and that it was safe to cry there. And passed me the box of tissues, placing the box on the arm of my chair. He just sat quietly, occasionally spoke quietly. It was a rare session when I didn't cry. I couldn't stop it. I always felt very protected during those times. Ironically, showing such vulnerability can actually be a powerful position; it can be a way of provoking and insuring good will. A bit like animals who adopt a wounded posture to disarm their predators.

When I was in therapy she use to do several things when I cried. All very healing. The most memorable was her taking kleenex and wiping my tears away. She did it twice, and I will all ways remember those acts of kindness.

I've never cried in front of my T, but I've come close. When I get emotional in my voice (any emotion) he also seems to mirror me, somewhat. When I'm feeling small, like a child, he leans in and speaks more softly. When I'm angry but can't get it out, he might voice some of it for me but never raises his voice.

Idk. I wish I could cry. I struggle to cry on my own time too. I really need to just cry as it's stuffed in there and that's painful.

I've never cried in a session. I haven't come close in awhile - what we're working on isn't necessarily painful so much as awkward. But if I were to cry, I don't think my T would do much more than hand me a tissue, if anything. It makes him sound cold (he's not) it's just we have a lot of transference swirling around the room and he keeps our boundaries firm (which I appreciate.)

Thanks guys - all the replies are really helpful as well as interesting to read and see the different reactions.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that kind of concentrated vulnerability in a relaxed manner, ever. It just feels so wrong and horrific and agonizingly exposed.

I felt EXACTLY the same way as you did. I was so scared of crying, being vulnerable. Yet it was strange because I have so much trust for my T, we have an amazing connection, and we worked together for nearly 3.5 years meeting 2x/week before the first time that I really cried (I'd teared up, maybe had a few tears fall, but not really cried). Most of this time we were talking about really difficult things, including trauma, abuse, etc. First, we talked about this several times. My fears about crying, what she would do if I cried. She assured me that she wouldn't sit and stare at me, that she would say encouraging things and let me cry, that she would comfort me.

Then it happened. She was already sitting next to me as we were talking about tough stuff and it was the 14th anniversary of my big sister's death so I was already feeling sad. And I just started sobbing, crying, and I had trouble catching my breath. This went on for at least 5 minutes. The whole time, she held my hand, I hugged her, she used her other hand to gently pat me on the head and shoulders. She told me that it was OK to cry, that it's OK, that I was safe, etc. It ended up not being awkward, and she also didn't make a big deal of it, which helped.

I've cried like that once since (it was just 4 weeks ago) and that was OK, too. I felt more anxious over potentially feeling vulnerable than I actually ended up feeling vulnerable.