[Freewilled]

I've identified what might contribute to my extreme discomfort and troubling reactions during therapy sessions....my stammering, difficulty holding thoughts, shutting down, etc. Part of it seems to be a pervasive, engulfing feeling of shame. I don't know how much my T plays into this but I know a big part of it is self-induced. The entire set up of the therapy process figures into potential shame responses with trying to bare ones soul and heart wrenching difficulties to another - one in an authority position.

So I think just being there shuts me down. I don't know how to address that with my T. From what I've been reading online, Ts can also feel the shame.

My mom shamed me my entire upbringing and my relationship right now isn't the best. I'm trying to open up to my T and had a but of success last week, but it's so hard I don't want to keep him out because he seems to be really attuned, engaged and deep down I believe he cares. Has anyone come right out and named this problem with T before or had a T address it in a way that helped you?

My T mentioned it a couple of sessions ago and said that he suspected I had an intimate acquaintance with shame but we have yet to discuss it in earnest. I know its something we need to address but I don't quite know how to bring it up again. Good luck with your T.

[HazelGirl]

I know all about shame in therapy. It's what makes me shut down more than anything else. I feel a lot of shame over much of what I have gone through, and my T and I have started discussing it and why I feel so much of it. I was also shamed a lot as a child, especially for how I felt and reacted to things. So I feel a lot of shame when I try to tell her about some of the things I have gone through and my feelings and reactions to them.

I don't really have a good suggestion for how to overcome it except to bring it up and tell him/her why you think you feel this way.

[Nightlight]

I was the same way for a long time. I could barely share anything for the first couple of years of therapy. My therapist thought that I experienced what some people refer to as "toxic shame".

I still haven't read Brene Brown's books, but I really relate to the articles and interviews with and by her that talk about shame and vulnerability. I had another therapist visit me at home recently and my shame reaction went into overdrive at the mere possibility of her in my house. She reminded me of Brene's work and said that it's a strength to show vulnerability (and that idea does help me to risk being slightly braver with how much I share).

I also find that it only lessens if it is acknowledged and confronted. Often initially I had to write stuff down for my therapist. I think it's something that takes a lot of time and practice.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Has anyone come right out and named this problem with T before or had a T address it in a way that helped you?

Hi Freewilled -

I can relate to so many of your posts and was just thinking about bringing this to T this week.

I've only been seeing new T for a couple of months, but I did address this in a straightforward way with my former T. I brought it up in the very beginning of therapy when telling him about my reactions to emails I sent to coworkers. I said I felt embarrassed of my emails all of the time and cringed when people would reply, afraid of the responses. It was worrisome and stressful to me. He asked-what is it about the replies that make you feel ashamed? We went over some of the replies-it turned out, nothing. The replies seemed "normal" to me. No one said anything to me that led to me feeling ashamed about what I said or regretful for sending the email.

So we went through what I wrote in the emails. What have you written that is embarrassing to you-give me an example? I went through all of the different emails and subject content. I realized that I was not ashamed for anything I said or did, but instead, was ashamed just of being me and revealing myself to other people. T became very serious and was very empathetic. He rarely judged anyone, but this is the first time I remembered where he got really mad at my parents and made some remark about how the type of parenting I had can almost destroy a child (a child's soul). We sat in silence for a few moments.

That opened the door for discussing the toxic shame. Before that, I used to be confused about what shame was (to me), mixing it up with guilt. After that I realized shame is more about being and guilt is more about doing.

What helped the most in addition to these types of specific mini-discussions, was me continuously revealing the not-so-desirable parts of myself to him over time rather than filtering what I said through my ego. Sometimes abruptly, sometimes slowly and cautiously. I think his accepting all facets of me really helped with feelings of shame. I accept myself much more than I have in the past, but I still struggle with it. Working with a new T is really going to help, I believe. Maybe I'll grow out of this if I was unconditionally accepted by more than one significant other. It takes time and repetition. Each little bit helps.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I've identified what might contribute to my extreme discomfort and troubling reactions during therapy sessions....my stammering, difficulty holding thoughts, shutting down, etc. Part of it seems to be a pervasive, engulfing feeling of shame. I don't know how much my T plays into this but I know a big part of it is self-induced. The entire set up of the therapy process figures into potential shame responses with trying to bare ones soul and heart wrenching difficulties to another - one in an authority position.

So I think just being there shuts me down. I don't know how to address that with my T. From what I've been reading online, Ts can also feel the shame.

My mom shamed me my entire upbringing and my relationship right now isn't the best. I'm trying to open up to my T and had a but of success last week, but it's so hard I don't want to keep him out because he seems to be really attuned, engaged and deep down I believe he cares. Has anyone come right out and named this problem with T before or had a T address it in a way that helped you?

It sounds to me your problem might be fear too and not just shame itself. Your mom was shaming, so you are fearful other people will be the same. Maybe that's why you feel it a bit too, you are assuming your T will react like your mom or concerned about it. To deal with it I think you should address it head on in therapy. Just say, I've been thinking I might have a hard time talking because I feel ashamed and/or am worried you might be thinking X because that's how people have reacted to me in the past.

[CameraObscura]

Oh yes.

Shame is one of the main things I want to tackle during this round of therapy. I've been seeing my current to for about four months, and we've talked about shame a lot. I've told him that it feels like shame has wrapped itself around my spine, and I can't tell where I end and it begins.

It's going to be slow, difficult work because of how hard it is to physically speak when the shame flares up in session, but my T so far seems okay with my snail pace.

It is difficult, but I remember getting little bursts of feelings of relief after sessions where we discussed shame feelings. It was less destabilizing than going through trauma experiences.

Hope you get some relief too.

The very first time I saw my T, I saw him as a pdoc, referred by my then-T to discuss my medication. Towards the end of the session he asked me whether I helt hampered or hindered in my life because of shame. Nobody had ever asked me anything like that ever before, and I had never discussed shame with anybody. It was one of the things he said which made me feel that he would be a better person to work with than the T I was seeing at the time. And ever since I started seeing him for therapy, we have worked, periodically, with shame. I do get overwhelmed with shame - and fear of shame - sometimes and it's as if it floods my brain to the exclusion of everything else.

I wonder if you are familiar with affect theory? My T asked me to look it up and read about it, and I did, and I find that it explains things very well, for me. Threre's a primer of affect psychology here (pdf file), which I found interesting and informative, though I object to the tone of the presentation (it feels like the author is talking down to the reader.) Like all other theories, it presents one way of looking at reality, and it's definitely not an all-encompassing truth. But I found it enlightening. It combines biology and psychology in a very appealing way.

10yrs in therapy and I still struggle. The only answer I have is as Nike says - just do it.