[Yearning0723]

It went well, I think. I didn't actually ask her anything. I was also really nervous and thus being my super charming self and being all smiley and bubbly and downplaying serious things (and not mentioning some serious things, like when she asked about traumatic childhood events - I told her last week about my mom kicking me out and my father's remarriage, but that's all I said). Buy I guess she will learn more about those things as I start to trust her more, and it doesn't have to be right now, right?

She wanted to an assessment, which mostly involved asking questions about my childhood, like my earliest memories and deaths/traumas/illnesses, and I told her about being sick with ITP when I was really little and about my brother's diagnosis with Asperger's, and we talked a bit about current (former?) T who she doesn't know I'm still seeing and about former teacher/mentor and about how I respond to anxiety and how that manifests itself.

I felt good about talking to her - she is really expressive and smiles and laughs with me, which is nice, and she seems to understand me pretty well already (although honestly it's not all that complicated - her understanding of me pretty much consists of me being super intelligent/cerebral/analytical and liking attention and my control issues, although when I was telling her about my need to control everything as a little kid, she thought that was cute and I quickly corrected "cute" to "neurotic").

And she seems really empathetic - like she said it must have been really hard for me when I was three to be sick and have to have a needle every week and to stay in bed and not move for four days a month so medicine could have some time to kick in, and I'd never really thought about that before, but yeah, it must have been. And also she said she could understand how scary it must have been for my mom to worry so much about me being sick, and how her anxiety might have impacted me - also something I hadn't really thought about.

I wasn't so sure about all the emphasis she was placing on early memories, but she did say that she could see how CBT would be a bad fit for me since I am already so cerebral and analytical, and I told her what I really needed was a T who would be more empathetic and who would help me build trust instead of just focussing on thoughts and behaviours. And she thought that was very self-aware of me.

I don't know if I've really given her a full picture of who I am or what I need yet, and we didn't really talk about boundaries and stuff - it was really all over the place and we talked about a lot of marginally relevant stuff, like she asked me about my grandmother who passed away when I was nine and I talked about how we used to play checkers and she would never let me win because she wanted me to learn real strategy and how proud I was when I won at checkers for the first time...

But it's only the second session and it's about becoming comfortable enough with her to talk about big stuff and sit with big feelings, so I can accept that. She asked me today if I can feel the feelings I must have felt as a three year old in the hospital or about my parents' divorce and how scared I must have been - and I can't really connect with those feelings, or at least not with her.

She seems really nice though, and significantly less boundaried than old T - she took me in a few minutes early and didn't hurry me out of her office after and she said it was good to see me as I was leaving, and she was just really kind to me. We have another session booked for next Friday.

That sounds like a really good session yearning! She seems really attuned to you already.
Maybe this ts warmth and expression will be really good for you.
There was a lot of childhood covered, did you not spend much time with old t discussing your childhood? That was a good observation she said about your mothers anxiety may have affected your own stress and anxiety, do you think she was right in saying that?


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[HazelGirl]

Don't worry about needing to tell her everything right now. It took me nearly a year before I started sharing about trauma, so T's are used to waiting and seeing their clients reveal themselves piece by piece.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

That sounds like a really good session yearning! She seems really attuned to you already.
Maybe this ts warmth and expression will be really good for you.
There was a lot of childhood covered, did you not spend much time with old t discussing your childhood? That was a good observation she said about your mothers anxiety may have affected your own stress and anxiety, do you think she was right in saying that?


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I'm not sure, but I'd never really thought about it before. It was interesting to consider. I know my mother's anxiety about germs definitely influenced me (which made sense, since when I was little my immune system was so weak that germs might have seriously hurt me), but anxiety about other stuff, I'm not sure. I'm not sure she was so anxious about me after I got out of the hospital. I think she might have been too wrapped up in herself to even see how much there was to be anxious about.

We spent a lot of time talking about my childhood with old T, but not broadly - just the important stuff, like trauma stuff or attachment stuff. It was way more focused. But I know it's only the second session.

[Asiablue]

Sounds like a good second session. Glad it went well!

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Don't worry about needing to tell her everything right now. It took me nearly a year before I started sharing about trauma, so T's are used to waiting and seeing their clients reveal themselves piece by piece.

I guess it just feels like I'm lying to her, or at least lying by omission when she asks about childhood trauma and I don't tell her about stuff, or like I lead her to believe that my mother and I have (and have always had) a very good relationship...I mean, I told her about my mom kicking me out, but that was very brief and we didn't talk much about it. I guess I just worry that I'm misrepresenting my situation or myself and I'm only hurting myself in the long run...like I was so bubbly and chatty and happy and charming today and I could have and wanted to (but didn't) tell her that it was just because I was nervous and trying to make a good impression on her so she would like me, and that usually I'm not so pleasant to be around...part of me wanted to see how she would handle that side of me, but also doesn't trust her enough to show it to her. But I'm sort of cheating myself, because by the time I show her that part of me, I will be so invested in her that even if she doesn't respond well to it, I will probably not want to leave her. That's what happened with old T...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I guess it just feels like I'm lying to her, or at least lying by omission when she asks about childhood trauma and I don't tell her about stuff, or like I lead her to believe that my mother and I have (and have always had) a very good relationship...I mean, I told her about my mom kicking me out, but that was very brief and we didn't talk much about it. I guess I just worry that I'm misrepresenting my situation or myself and I'm only hurting myself in the long run...like I was so bubbly and chatty and happy and charming today and I could have and wanted to (but didn't) tell her that it was just because I was nervous and trying to make a good impression on her so she would like me, and that usually I'm not so pleasant to be around...part of me wanted to see how she would handle that side of me, but also doesn't trust her enough to show it to her. But I'm sort of cheating myself, because by the time I show her that part of me, I will be so invested in her that even if she doesn't respond well to it, I will probably not want to leave her. That's what happened with old T...

I am so angry at your old T for responding like that. I really don't think your new T will treat you the same way. It really sounds like she is invested in you and is willing to give you the time and space to open up when you're ready. And it definitely sounds like she is willing to accept you when that time comes. But I know that me just saying it won't make you believe it. So I will tell you a variation of what my T has told me a million times: take your time and learn to trust when you are ready. You're not being deceitful, you're just only able to tell some of the truth right now. You don't have the ability to tell the whole truth yet. That will come when you're ready.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am so angry at your old T for responding like that. I really don't think your new T will treat you the same way. It really sounds like she is invested in you and is willing to give you the time and space to open up when you're ready. And it definitely sounds like she is willing to accept you when that time comes. But I know that me just saying it won't make you believe it. So I will tell you a variation of what my T has told me a million times: take your time and learn to trust when you are ready. You're not being deceitful, you're just only able to tell some of the truth right now. You don't have the ability to tell the whole truth yet. That will come when you're ready.

I sort of want new T to reassure me of all that. But she won't because she doesn't know I need it because I'm acting all calm and collected and put together and like I'm doing just fine...because I'm not ready to show her how much I need her (or someone). But that's counterproductive...

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I guess it just feels like I'm lying to her, or at least lying by omission when she asks about childhood trauma and I don't tell her about stuff, or like I lead her to believe that my mother and I have (and have always had) a very good relationship...I mean, I told her about my mom kicking me out, but that was very brief and we didn't talk much about it. I guess I just worry that I'm misrepresenting my situation or myself and I'm only hurting myself in the long run...like I was so bubbly and chatty and happy and charming today and I could have and wanted to (but didn't) tell her that it was just because I was nervous and trying to make a good impression on her so she would like me, and that usually I'm not so pleasant to be around...part of me wanted to see how she would handle that side of me, but also doesn't trust her enough to show it to her. But I'm sort of cheating myself, because by the time I show her that part of me, I will be so invested in her that even if she doesn't respond well to it, I will probably not want to leave her. That's what happened with old T...

When i got really angry and belligerent with my T recently she told she got excited because it meant i trusted her at least enough to show my anger LOL we both laughed about that
Don't worry bout showing any part of yourself to a T, a decent one won't fear any part of you.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

When i got really angry and belligerent with my T recently she told she got excited because it meant i trusted her at least enough to show my anger LOL we both laughed about that
Don't worry bout showing any part of yourself to a T, a decent one won't fear any part of you.

Do you think most Ts would respond this way? Old T didn't like when I got upset at her; she would get upset back. I mean, they're human...

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Do you think most Ts would respond this way? Old T didn't like when I got upset at her; she would get upset back. I mean, they're human...

Yes they are human but they are being paid not to be reactive. They are being paid to not act the way they'd respond to anger when they aren't working.

I think most do respond this way.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Do you think most Ts would respond this way? Old T didn't like when I got upset at her; she would get upset back. I mean, they're human...

Your T may be human, but that doesn't mean she can get away with being angry at you. It would be different if she owned up to it, apologized, and then changed her ways. She did not do this with you. She continued to respond in an angry and upset way, and thus was being very unprofessional when it came to handling you and your needs.