[HazelGirl]

I have had a terrible few weeks and an even worse day.

I have a lot going on and am stressed out. It's Friday and so I am also exhausted.

First, I said something at work that I guess was rude or inconsiderate or something (I am terrible about knowing whether something is appropriate...yay abuse which never showed me what you should and should not say to someone). My coworkers then teased me about it all day. It was embarrassing and made me feel terrible.

Then I made a joke to a good friend of mine that would be considered rude if you weren't good friends. Well, a mutual "friend" then said to me "Can't you ever say anything nice?" in response to this joke and wouldn't listen to my attempts to explain that it was a joke.

Then I was criticized by someone who has no place criticizing me, and she did it in such a mean and passive-aggressive way that it left me feeling worthless and beat down.

Then when I tried to text my T, she hasn't responded. And not only that, she hasn't responded to any of my texts in the past two weeks. It hasn't been a big deal because they have been lighthearted or had good news, until today when I need her, and now I feel abandoned by her as well.

So basically, I feel like I run everyone off and everyone hates me, and I want to just curl up in a corner and die so that I don't subject other humans to my presence anymore.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Aw, sorry to hear that HazelGirl. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

I hear you on the pushing everyone off it is such a funny defense mechanism. Especially when the wounded little child in all of us just needs compassion, understanding, and love. But it's not like we can go around and ask people for this, like "hey I'm having a rough time and I know I'm treating you in a way that feels not nice, but could you please love me anyways?"

I went and sent off another email to my ex-T and I'm never going to hear from him and I keep making it impossible for him to ever even like me or want anything to do with me. I don't understand why. I feel horrible about it and today was just crap for me too.

I hope it gets brighter and less painful soon. hugs.

[RTerroni]

Sorry to hear that, things will get better soon.

[withoutthelove_]

Mind if I curl up in the corner with you?

[JaneC]

Sorry you are having a crap time, I do hope you can be kind to yourself and let this pass. It will.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I have had a terrible few weeks and an even worse day.

I have a lot going on and am stressed out. It's Friday and so I am also exhausted.

First, I said something at work that I guess was rude or inconsiderate or something (I am terrible about knowing whether something is appropriate...yay abuse which never showed me what you should and should not say to someone). My coworkers then teased me about it all day. It was embarrassing and made me feel terrible.

Then I made a joke to a good friend of mine that would be considered rude if you weren't good friends. Well, a mutual "friend" then said to me "Can't you ever say anything nice?" in response to this joke and wouldn't listen to my attempts to explain that it was a joke.

Then I was criticized by someone who has no place criticizing me, and she did it in such a mean and passive-aggressive way that it left me feeling worthless and beat down.

Then when I tried to text my T, she hasn't responded. And not only that, she hasn't responded to any of my texts in the past two weeks. It hasn't been a big deal because they have been lighthearted or had good news, until today when I need her, and now I feel abandoned by her as well.

So basically, I feel like I run everyone off and everyone hates me, and I want to just curl up in a corner and die so that I don't subject other humans to my presence anymore.

wow that really does sound like a crap day. can you try and give yourself a bit of a break here. I know it is sometimes so hard to figure out how to deal with relationships . we say stupid things sometimes. especially when we havnt had the best roll models in our life. as far as that coworker who teased you all day about it ,that is horrible and shows more about her then you. tomorrow is another day and a new start. forgive yourself for today. I have a feeling you feel way more shame and so on then you need to about the things that you said.

You get the final say about whats appropriate or not for you to say.

That's for being teased all day. I find a quick "get a life, and when you do, live it" response to immature work colleagues works wonders ;-)

[AmysJourney]

Hazelgirl, I am sorry you had such a crap day.. And I can say all the things that others have said already - It will pass, be kind to yourself, don't take what your co-workers said to heart too much..

But I also -in addition- want to say this. Sometimes the saying is true that we have in Germany (don't know if you have it where you are)
"What you shout into the forest echoes back at you".
When we feel down or upset, depressed or angry or stressed - that's what we usually signal to our surroundings. And sometimes we don't realize when we're negative or sarcastic or blunt or whatever.
Others pick up our signals and overlook the cause of why we do things or say things or behave a certain way. So we hit a certain spot in others because they too have their reasons for reacting the way they do. And then we take their reaction very personally and it hurts our egos and confidence.

But, instead of just feeling like you are pushing people away (and we all think or feel like at at some point and it makes us even more negative about ourselves or the world) it sometimes helps to turn it around with the exact opposite. You know, try to be the bigger person - in yourself and to others. That friend who asked if you can never say anything nice - tell them something really nice instead of apologizing for making a joke you thought was ok to make. The co-worker who teased you all day, in your mind forgive her and think something nice about her. (Or in your mind, think all the bad things about her you can imagine and allow yourself to be very arrogant and think you are much better than her :-) That helps me sometimes and it eventually balances out to neutrality)

Take your comment that you think was inconsiderate and turn it around into something positive - for example - think to yourself it was absolutely ok to say it because that is how you felt and it just came out like that. Try to be a little gentler to yourself, refuse to believe what the situation tells you about yourself because I am convinced the feelings you feel about yourself are lies that others put on you today and in the past, but you take them on because that's how it made you feel.

I hope you find some rest this weekend and the the exhaustion fades a little. You are quite awesome, I read your posts and think you have a lot of strength! Draw from that when you feel so low and bathe a little in the love people have on here for you!

Love,
Amelia

[maglee186]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I have had a terrible few weeks and an even worse day.

I have a lot going on and am stressed out. It's Friday and so I am also exhausted.

First, I said something at work that I guess was rude or inconsiderate or something (I am terrible about knowing whether something is appropriate...yay abuse which never showed me what you should and should not say to someone). My coworkers then teased me about it all day. It was embarrassing and made me feel terrible.

Then I made a joke to a good friend of mine that would be considered rude if you weren't good friends. Well, a mutual "friend" then said to me "Can't you ever say anything nice?" in response to this joke and wouldn't listen to my attempts to explain that it was a joke.

Then I was criticized by someone who has no place criticizing me, and she did it in such a mean and passive-aggressive way that it left me feeling worthless and beat down.

Then when I tried to text my T, she hasn't responded. And not only that, she hasn't responded to any of my texts in the past two weeks. It hasn't been a big deal because they have been lighthearted or had good news, until today when I need her, and now I feel abandoned by her as well.

So basically, I feel like I run everyone off and everyone hates me, and I want to just curl up in a corner and die so that I don't subject other humans to my presence anymore.

Please try to breathe, I would like to extend comfort to you. I would wish for you to be in your happy place. I have personally found that when I am in a slump or lost my mo-joe I have to fake it until I make it? Does that make any sense to you:? I will tell you that I admire your courage for attempting to make your life manageable by continuing with responsibilities! Even if you can not see your worth I can! Good job and do not give up This to shall pass

[HazelGirl]

I can't be mean to the people around me. I don't have the heart to do so. A major part of my past abuse was being teased, and it causes me to shut down and not respond at all. I feel completely beat down and worthless whenever someone teases me.

And I also can't handle criticism from people who don't know me well. I feel like bad mistakes make me bad and so I end up believing that all they see about me is bad. And so I believe I am terrible and horrible and should just run away from everyone.

And another fear of mine is abandonment, which is what I am feeling from my T.

So basically, yesterday was a triple whammy of triggers and deep fears all happening at once, all while I am exhausted and worn down, and while I have a lot of stress going on. I am not over it yet, and I think I will have a terrible day today, too.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

<snipped>
So basically, I feel like I run everyone off and everyone hates me, and I want to just curl up in a corner and die so that I don't subject other humans to my presence anymore.

This is the most incredibly **** feeling in the world ever

But it's NOT TRUE. Not for a second. Everyone doesn't hate you, and you don't make others suffer by just being present. It's a horrible, savage, insidious feeling that makes it feel this way, but it isn't true.

I'm so sorry you're having a crap time this last few weeks and the day from hell yesterday. I hope it starts to turn around

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry yesterday sucked so much and that today doesn't look better.
I finally watched a video that had been making the rounds on social media, it's called "removed" about a kid in the system. I think the title has many layers of meaning, but so does the video. The reason I mentioned it was that someone's statement about reacting or acting in what is construed as hurtful way stems from the past. It's kind of a reflex action that looks harsh but really is just a desperate bid to have someone see past the icky and still say they care. The little girl in the video portrays that very well. It's a potentially triggering video though, so only look it up and watch it if your are in an ok enough place to do so...
but that lashing out or pushing away to hide how desperately we need to be shown love and compassion is quite common... sometimes we just need someone to handle us with "kid gloves" to prove the whole world doesn't suck. (I think my t may hate me for that...)