maybe working for T's husband - update

So on Friday my T offered me to apply for a job as a secretary for her husband and his team. They're child psychiatrists working in an hospital and I think I would like the job, but am still a bit unsure about boundaries.

On Monday night before skills group, she told me I had to apply earlier than she thought and we decided to meet today to go over my application, which I was supposed to write yesterday.

So I arrived at T's office at 10:30, and she was a couple minutes late as usual. But from there everything went great. She told me her 12:00 client had cancelled, so she offered me to spend some time going over what I had already done, until her 11am client arrived, then I'd go to her second office, re-write my application during her session with the other client, and afterwards we'd go over what I had done.

This time again she saw that I'm really struggling a lot with job applications, and that all those times where I told her I had tried but just couldn't I wasn't making anything up. I mean at one point she asked me how I would formulate one sentence and I couldn't get a word out... she looked at me, held my arm and gently said: please don't hold yoursel back, I see you're struggling, but we need to work through this if you want to turn your life around.
That really helped me... we spent more time than planned going over a first draft as her 11am client didn't show up.

Then she still sent me to the second office, so I would try to rewrite it all on my own. To be honest I only had to put the pieces we had prepared together and add a couple words here or there. But knowing my T was right next door really helped me calm down and make it.

When I finished I went back to her, she spent a couple minutes finishing her invoicing, and we looked at what I had done. She really complimented me on the few things I wrote on my own and told me that with that letter I will get a job interview.
We spent almost two hours on it, all of the time I was very tense, nervous, ready to break down, butmy T was really awesome and helped me through this. We didn't analyze anything, as it just really needed to be done and if we had spent some time going into details about why I was feeling this way, we'd still be there... and now I wonder why I didn't accept her offer to do it this way months ago!

And if I get offered the job I may actually take it. I mean, at this point the most important thing for my health is to get a job and move out! She told her husband about me, and if he asks I may gave vague details, (like diagnosed with BPD, but highly functionnal and I keep improving, no more details). She already discloses quite a lot about herself, so if her hsband is professional too I won't know too much about her. And I may not see her husband that much as he will spent most of his time in sessions. Right now I try not to overthink this too much, and just appreciate how much my T helped me today!

That's great, Jordy. I think with that help, even if you don't get this job, you will be in a position to apply for other jobs? Hospitals and other large organizations like that are great places to work because there are easier and harder jobs and other sections one can work in if one does not like where they are, etc. Just imagining the size of the civil service when I worked as a secretary for the Government could sometimes cheer me.

It's a tough choice. Do you think working for your T's husband, could work?
If it's something that your heart is telling you to do, for the right reasons, then go for it. But, you might want to ask your T that if you get the job, can her husband go through with you, the professional boundaries that must be understood and followed in order for it to work.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck!

It's not the only job I'm applying to, and part of me would rather work somewhere else. But my urge to self-harm is getting stronger, I can't sleep because of flashbacks, I feel miserable every Sunday when I have to face my abuser. At the moment the single most important thing is to get a job and move out! No matter what...

So even if I'd rather not, if that means working with T's husband, or maybe have to find another T down the road due to this I'd rather do that than staying longer than necessary in this house. I mean, even if the room was fully redecorated, it's still the place 4 years of CSA took place and that's what's slowly killing me at the moment... I need out asap!

I think this is a Boundary Crossing (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). I think Boundary Crossings are risky, but also can be very beneficial. Most risks come with an upside as well as a downside. I think the important thing is to talk about that "what ifs" that might be problems beforehand. And if after that it seems like it's worth the risk, then do it.

I agree, but if I were you, I'd take the job. I know the importance of needing a job and needing to move out. For me, working brings a much needed structure to my life. I really hope you get this or another job.

Dual relationships happen all the time. In some communities they are commonplace because so few services are available. Most Ts are familiar with the issue. Handling them well, by being open and frank with your T before and during, can make all the difference. TAking the job makes sense the way you describe it. It sounds like hell to have to see your abuser every week, living the space.

Thanks for encouraging me... I'm freaking out a bit at the moment: I'm supposed to type the letter we've prepared today and e-mail it to my T. Why did stupid me had to blurt out: ok, I'll do it tonight!
Yeah it's important, but I'm tired it's 9pm, and this day was stressful enough. I'm not working tomorrow morning, I could have done it then. But no, I had to push myself and promise it'd be done tonight. And I bet my T won't even see it tonight....

ok, rant over, I'm going back to typing...

It is a pretty stressful process, but it sounds like a great opportunity and it was so kind of your therapist to go the extra mile for you too! Good luck!

I am really grateful she heelped me out that much, and I think this situation also made her realized that even though I try t stay strong, I still feel pretty vulnerable. I don't know if she realized, but when she arrived I was at the verge of crying... I was so scared about the session, because I knew what I had prepared wasn't good, and I didn't want her to think I hadn't tried...

I've sent the e-mail last night, still waiting for an answer. I'm nervous, because I've never sent her an e-mail before and don't know how long it takes her to answer. I know it's stupid to be nervous as she's the one who specifically told me to e-mail her, and I've done everything she asked me to, so there's no reason for her to be mad at me. But still, I'm scared to fail the test...

It sounds like your therapist has really step up so far and so have you! I think it's great that you've been able to push through and get so much accomplished. Try to give yourself a bit of a break if you can. It sounds like you've done everything right so far.

T hasn't replied to my e-mail yet... I'm getting frustrated...

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This is unethical surely.

I don't think so, hopefully she'll reply soon. I wish you the best of luck in applying for jobs. Your T sounds very nice.

Thanks for the encouragement, I really need it. I hope to send everything in on Saturday at the latest.
Then I'll have to write letters for two other jobs... I feel like T is my mom at the moment, making sure I do my homework. And I restarted self harm today... Need to find time to talk about that too.

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Oh no I hope you will stop self harming. Is this because she hasn't responded yet?

No, it's totally unrelated. Someone at work made a joke about me. He know to him it was for fun, but it triggered a flashback I couldn't handle.

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Your T and her husband are super sweet for helping you out like this. She must know you to be of good character, and now her husband (who you'll be working with?) knows too. I wish you the best of luck in getting out of your situation and into a healthier one. If this works out, I think it could make a world of difference for you.

Thank you!

T didn't asnwer to my e-mail, but I know she's not very tech savy. Wondering if she didn't manage to open the attachements

Anyway, I finished the application, it's all sealed in it's envelope, wanted to send it in today, but I can't find a single stamp in this house! Monday it is then... I'm not going to drive all across town for a stamp and I doubt it makes a huge difference whether it arrives on Monday or Tuesday...

Now all I have to do is keep my fingers crossed.

Good luck. I hope you get the job. Being out of your abusers house and not having to see them will be a huge weight lifted off of you.

Finally got an answer from my T. She corrected a few mistakes, but other than that is really happy with my application. Only problem is applications are already being reviewed so I should act asap.
She says I should E-mail and/or hand it in personnally. I don't really know what to do, I feel more comfortable e-mailing it, but I think actually going there and handing the application in myself may give me better odds. And if I hand it in, I wonder at what time to do so: I have to be at my T's office at 6pm tomorrow for group, her husband's office is about 10 minutes away from there, so I guess I could go at 5pm, relax a bit then go to my skills group. But I worry 5 PM may already be a bit late...

I think emailing it wouldn't be a big deal if you decided to go that route.

Good luck Jordy!