[Hoppery]

I use email mainly for contacting A. telling him bits and pieces of possible important info and updating him on the process of getting a support worker. I sent him two emails over the weekend and he didn't reply. Then today, I sent an email updating him on what's happening with the support worker. He replied almost straight away but said nothing about the other two. Is A. trying to discourage the use of emails and encourage more verbal talk? Or is he trying to discourage what he thinks is negative talk even though it actually isn't.. It's only me telling him how I think, how I feel to help him understand me to help me. Or, a third possible answer is, is he trying to make me less dependent on email and more dependent on talking verbally to his face?

Cause if the answer is either of these, it shall not work. It will only make me withdraw from him more and be more closed and defensive. It will also hinder me putting my trust into him. But I guess he'll learn from his mistakes. I just want to understand what it's most likely to be rather then what I think it is.

Extra Notes:
I sent him my last email of this month informing him of some important info about my meds and that I am withdrawing from emailing him so much. And that, I will email only twice per month and finished it with..

I get it.

[elliemay]

You seem convinced that an alternate approach (talking face to face) won't work. However, part of therapy is stretching out of your comfort zone and being willing to at least try.

It seems to me as though you are handicapping yourself right from the start by drawing this line so firmly. What would happen if you tried to not be defensive and closed? Anything positive?

[Hoppery]

Well I have been open and as honest as I can via email but I get the feeling from his response that he is perhaps getting a little tired of me emailing him so much rather then talking to his face. I also, realise that he can use me emailing him so much against me if he wished to make me talk to him to his face rather then emails. So I'm keeping one step ahead.

I just want others views on this as my views *could* be clouded by many factors.

[Asiablue]

Keeping one step ahead is game playing. And you will lose, every time. Most therapists will not do therapy via email, too much can get lost in translation, and it causes real harm to the therapeutic alliance. You can see how much you are inferring already from his lack of response.
Have you both spoke about email, expectations from it, if and when he will reply etc?

[anilam]

How about your T's view on this? Cause only he can tell... ours won't do much, I'm afraid.
But hey I try some anyway:
Could be he didn't get those two?
Doesn't want you to contact him over weekends?
Thinks that you don't expect a reply?
Doesn't know what to say?
Wants to deal with those topic in session?...

[Hoppery]

@Asiablue - I don't want to do it via email. I email him to share info that I feel like I cannot say verbally for talking verbally is certainly not my forte. I told him to choose how often I am allowed to email him. I suggested once a week. He agreed. But I am having trouble with keeping to that. And since me emailing me him too often can be used as ammo against me, I decided to be super strict with myself and not allow myself anymore contact via email apart from 2 emails per month.

@anilam - If he got all of my other emails which he did, he got them. He probably doesn't want me to contact him at all, except once per week. I don't care about if I get a reply or not, it's the whole he seemed to be trying to make me talk to him verbally by not responding anymore to the other emails containing some extra info about me. I'm sure he is experienced enough to nearly always have a response. He might want to deal with it in session but I will not allow for certain things to be dealt with in session yet, due to not knowing him too well yet.

[Asiablue]

listen to what you're saying Hoppery! "Emailing too much can be used as ammo against you?" " you won't allow certain things to be dealt with in session"

The language you're using is very combative. He is not the enemy. But you are making it very hard for him to do his job if you stay so rigid about what you will and will not do.
Therapy is very difficult and uncomfortable and trust is difficult too but you need to be prepared to at least try.

[Auntie2014]

This might just be a misunderstanding. The reason I say that is just my take on email in general. To me an update is just a one way conversation informing the person of the current status and does not require a response. If I send an email that I expect a response on I will usually indicate that in the subject line. "Question: how....

Many Ts ask clients to "check in" between appointments. If you are doing that you should make it clear what you expect from the message. "Please let me know what I should do till our next appointment" or I am OK see you xxxx

I think it would be helpful and less stressful if you talk to your T so you know what to include when you do communicate by email.

[Hoppery]

This written on a note and given to him in my next appointment, should do it?

I apologise for imposing such strict emailing boundaries upon myself. I didn't mean to withdraw from you or push you away. I guess I am relieved that finally, someone listens to me and I wanted to share everything with you, fast before you realised I was too much work and turned your back on me. Or before you told me, hey, your getting on my nerves, don't email me no more.

I will email you on our original agreed one email per week boundary, if you agree to that.

Instead of being strict on withdrawing from you, I will be strict on sticking to that boundary. Again.. I'm sorry. This whole having a mental health professional who wants to help me and not play mind games is all new to me.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Hoppery

I sent him two emails over the weekend and he didn't reply. Then today, I sent an email updating him on what's happening with the support worker. He replied almost straight away but said nothing about the other two.

Could he just not reply to emails you send over the weekend? Could it be the content, did you not ask a question for example? You're reading a lot into it when you start asking "is it because he wants to talk face to face" etc., it could be a bunch of things but you are just wasting your time on it, you'll never know unless he says. You can drive yourself crazy doing that. I'm not sure who A is or what his role is for you, but that sounds like a lot of emails (1 a day) for a therapist client relationship which is normally once a week in person only. If you're worried I would just ask him does he prefer to receive email.

[HazelGirl]

Hoppery, that note sounds like a good thing to give to your T so that you can discuss this issue with him and why it is hard for you.

[Bill3]

Maybe the original schedule was not enough.

I agree with the others. Try to discuss the situation with him and try to reach a plan that will work for both of you.

[Lauliza]

I think the note is great and you should definitely hand it to him at your next session. He may want to encourage you to speak face to face and not via email. Email is more comfortable for you, I understand that, but the purpose of therapy is to help you reach out of your comfort zone. Maybe you can be less rigid on your rules for emailing A., but keep the email content short. Reserve anything really meaningful for your actual sessions.

[Hoppery]

Okay. I will not tell him the really meaningful stuff via email. But I shall not share them in session either. In fact at this early stage, I downright refuse to talk about the stuff he obviously, doesn't want me to share in email to him. Cause you know, I ain't talking verbally about meaningful stuff. Too soon to tell it to his face. So while my emails will now be short and contain nothing much worth reading. In session, it will be the same and he will not gain much info. Actually, it might make him realise that perhaps for now, email was the best way to go if he wants to get an idea of the problems I face on a daily basis. I'm s**t enough at talking verbally to people other then my family, face to face as it is. I don't need the extra pressure of it in there aswell! I want to go there to escape from pulling a mask over my face. I want to be me in session. Whoever that is.

I'm not saying that I won't ever talk verbally much to his face. All I'm saying is, it's too soon for that. 18th Feb is only our third appointment. Maybe if I didn't have aspergers, I could do face to face verbal contact so soon. But whether I like it or not, I have aspergers. So I have to take things painfully slow to avoid what has happened in every other professional relationship.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I think the note is great and you should definitely hand it to him at your next session. He may want to encourage you to speak face to face and not via email. Email is more comfortable for you, I understand that, but the purpose of therapy is to help you reach out of your comfort zone. Maybe you can be less rigid on your rules for emailing A., but keep the email content short. Reserve anything really meaningful for your actual sessions.

[Bill3]

I have to take things painfully slow to avoid what has happened in every other professional relationship.

I admire that you are exerting control here so as to avoid problems that occurred in the past.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by Hoppery

I'm not saying that I won't ever talk verbally much to his face. All I'm saying is, it's too soon for that. 18th Feb is only our third appointment. Maybe if I didn't have aspergers, I could do face to face verbal contact so soon. But whether I like it or not, I have aspergers. So I have to take things painfully slow to avoid what has happened in every other professional relationship.

It is okay to take it slow. That is the best way to go.

My psychiatrist lets me send email. She permits this, because I communicate much more effectively through writing. It has helped me share my story and connect with her. Without email, I would have never been able to do that. It is also teaching me how to express myself verbally, because we discuss them.

I have Asperger's so I am very aware of the communication difficulties, and all the misunderstanding and judgement that comes with it. I often miss nonverbal cues that most people can pick up easily. This can be really confusing, especially when I am getting to know somebody. Usually I need to ask what I can and cannot do. If I don't I rely on past experiences, which isn't always appropriate. Would it help if the boundaries were clearly stated to you?

[learning1]

I think it would be a good idea to ask him these questions you were wondering about "Is A. trying to discourage the use of emails and encourage more verbal talk? Or is he trying to discourage what he thinks is negative talk even though it actually isn't.. It's only me telling him how I think, how I feel to help him understand me to help me. Or, a third possible answer is, is he trying to make me less dependent on email and more dependent on talking verbally to his face?" It could be that he really didn't think about emails. Or maybe one of the answers you thought of is correct.

I guess that since you're more comfortable writing than talking, but you're worried he might not want too much email, then writing him notes to give him in the session would be a good thing to try.

Did you get to explain to him that it's a lot easier for you to communicate in writing? Do you think he understands that? I hope he will tell you if it's okay with him to get to know you in writing, if you'd rather get to know him in writing at first.

I also think giving him the note you wrote would be fine. I guess he probably doesn't realize you were withdrawing from him yet, since you haven't been seeing him very long yet. But if you give him the note then he'll know you had it in mind to withdraw from him, and then you apologized for withdrawing. That way he'll understand what you are thinking about better. He might not have known you thought about all of these things.