[sweepy62]

Im wondering if therapy and the relationship and goals can be met, without having to form any kind of attachment. That is my goal, but every book I have read seems to say opposite.

What do you think? Is it possible? Are you unattached now?

[HazelGirl]

It depends on what you are being treated for. I believe with some things, such as CSA (well, any abuse really), it's absolutely essential to be connected and attached to your T. And I believe it's because that relationship is part of the healing process. If you don't have that relationship, you may get symptoms under control, but you will not be fully healed. You won't have the practice of creating a safe and caring relationship with someone else.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It depends on what you are being treated for. I believe with some things, such as CSA (well, any abuse really), it's absolutely essential to be connected and attached to your T. And I believe it's because that relationship is part of the healing process. If you don't have that relationship, you may get symptoms under control, but you will not be fully healed. You won't have the practice of creating a safe and caring relationship with someone else.

I agree with Hazel.

If you're doing CBT to get over a specific phobia, I think that less of an attachment would be possible, but there still has to be some type of trust and connection in that you can rely on your therapist to help you.

I don't think you can be completely unattached.

[peaches100]

My t told me that some people come to therapy with a very specific problem or goal, and that if they don't have attachment issues, then sometimes they can just work with a t for a few sessions in order to resovle the issue they came to therapy for, and they don't have any need for an attachment relationship with the t.

[peaches100]

But I think that all clients would have to feel some measure of trust in order to feel comfortable opening up to the t and being willing to try out some of t's suggestions, etc.

[looking4polaris]

I also agree that it depends on the client and the goal. But...if you are actively trying to avoid it, the answer is likely NO.

[stopdog]

I don't think you have to be attached to a therapist for there to be benefit. I have what the therapist has labeled ptsd, abuse, csa etc in my past and I don't see getting attached to the woman as necessary.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think you have to be attached to a therapist for there to be benefit. I have what the therapist has labeled ptsd, abuse, csa etc in my past and I don't see getting attached to the woman as necessary.

Can I ask you something though stopdog? Didn't you say before that you had intended to leave your female T, but in the end, you didn't feel you could? I would think that would be some type of attachment, or am I mistaken?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

Can I ask you something though stopdog? Didn't you say before that you had intended to leave your female T, but in the end, you didn't feel you could? I would think that would be some type of attachment, or am I mistaken?

I find it interesting to observe myself with that one. I would not call it attachment. If it would be called attachment, it would be negative attachment = not the positive kind. I don't particularly trust the woman or anything. She is not what I consider safe. I ahve no idea whether she is competent at therapy or not, but she does stay back and I don't have to worry about her caring so I can tell her some things I don't tell real people in my life.
The second one I could leave and not look back, but she is the calmer one and she listens better, but if she disappeared tomorrow, it would not be particularly upsetting or anything. She seems reasonably competent at her job and I don't despise her. Is that attachment?

[IndestructibleGirl]

I think in order to progress significantly attachment of sorts must be present. I imagine the healthy fortunate people with no old attachment wounds from childhood attach in a diluted, temporary way even in the likes of CBT and that's what allows the work to get done to overcome a phobia or a smoking addiction etc. Kind of in the same way I have two GPs I trust, like and believe genuinely have my best interests at heart, and I will always insist on seeing one of them if I need to see a doctor for a sensitive matter (I mean I don't care what doctor I see if I need some antibiotics for a throat infection, etc). I consider that a kind of low-level attachment? But I could be wrong.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think you have to be attached to a therapist for there to be benefit. I have what the therapist has labeled ptsd, abuse, csa etc in my past and I don't see getting attached to the woman as necessary.

Thats what im looking for, someone to talk to about this stuff which I already know is long term, yeah ok a bit of professional trust. But I dont want attachment, dont think its necessary to meet a goal.i mean do u need to attach to a dr. For a procedure to work?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Thats what im looking for, someone to talk to about this stuff which I already know is long term, yeah ok a bit of professional trust. But I dont want attachment, dont think its necessary to meet a goal.i mean do u need to attach to a dr. For a procedure to work?

Sweepy, you can try not to. But you are going to fail. It's not something you have a lot of control over.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Sweepy, you can try not to. But you are going to fail. It's not something you have a lot of control over.

Im so afraid to, I thought maybe the 3rd time around I would try a different approach, while still trying to reach my goals with new t.

I want this relationship to work, but without all the emotions involved, I want it to be like this:

I go in to sessions, I report the symptoms, stressors, past csa
in turn, she explains logically why I feel thi way, gives me coping skills, support, and listens.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I go in to sessions, I report the symptoms, stressors, past csa
in turn, she explains logically why I feel this way, gives me coping skills, support, and listens.

I guess, if you can tell her how to do her job. If you think this is what her job is.

Im not sure what my ts job is! I just go and talk to him.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by hankster

I guess, if you can tell her how to do her job. If you think this is what her job is.

Im not sure what my ts job is! I just go and talk to him.

Interesting insight....I think I've been trying to tell my T how to do his job for the past year. I have attachment issues......yeah. Not working out so well for me /:

[renie1022]

I'm not sure what the answer is but wow this is a great question.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Im so afraid to, I thought maybe the 3rd time around I would try a different approach, while still trying to reach my goals with new t.

I want this relationship to work, but without all the emotions involved, I want it to be like this:

I go in to sessions, I report the symptoms, stressors, past csa
in turn, she explains logically why I feel thi way, gives me coping skills, support, and listens.

I totally understand why you're afraid. It makes total sense. But the reality of life is that people come and go. It's very unfortunate that your T had to go before you were ready.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I totally understand why you're afraid. It makes total sense. But the reality of life is that people come and go. It's very unfortunate that your T had to go before you were ready.

Wow, I guess you are very perceptive, you have impressed me here, cant pull the wool over your eyes ok, so yes, but , I mean some ppl on pc have tried this approach, just saying.

[stopdog]

I think it is controllable and I do think control is a good thing. Sometimes therapists need to be told how to do their job. They need to explain what they are doing to the client and they need to be accountable.
I found a way to make the woman useful to me. The way she was going about it was not. I have learned to tell her not to talk and then she is useful. Her talking was not. I cannot think of one time in four years where she said anything useful. She has been useful when she has not given an opinion or tried to explain me to me. She has always effed that up - so now I just don't do that with her. If that is telling her how to do her job, then I am glad I did because it works a whole lot better for me than when she was doing god knows what by talking.

[sweepy62]

Stopdog: I really commend you, that makes alot of sense, whatever works for you, go with it, I just wanted to question the attachment theory for the healing to work, I compare it to side effects to a drug, it helps with the ailment (which is what you go to therapy for) but when you stop taking it ( which is termination early termination due to a therapist leaving, then due the attachment , the withdrawals are a B I T C H.

[Asiablue]

I asked two therapists this. " Can we do therapy without the whole attachment thing?"

They both kinda laughed and said nope. It was then i knew i was screwed!

[sweepy62]

Really? Lol I think I will ask this new t about this as well, because I really need to know why this is needed. I'm not talking about trust that's different than attachment .

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[Asiablue]

yeah, ask. But there are lots of studies that have shown that the therapeutic alliance is what is the most conducive to a positive outcome in therapy no matter what techniques are used. So therapists truly value that alliance, that is what is going to get you better.

If you think about it, going to therapy and avoiding attachment (for someone who has difficulties with trust and attachment in their life) is like going to therapy for a fear of Bees and NEVER talking about Bees, never exposing yourself to your phobia, just talking around the issue and finishing therapy having talked about a whole load of other things and feeling somewhat better -except for the phobia of Bees which you still have.

Does that make sense? I dunno, it's early morning here lol

[sweepy62]

It's 1 am here can't sleep but makes total sense the whole getting attached thing makes me feel not in control.

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[Asiablue]

me too! I feel like i lose control of myself and become spectacularly needy with zero impulse control when it comes to my T. Doesn't feel nice at all. I'm trying desperately to not let that happen with my new (ish) T, i'm not confident in my ability tho lol